Not By Might Nor By Power

Christmas Morning arrived quietly without noise, or chatter or fanfare of any kind. Deciding not to exchange gifts again for the third year eliminated much of the stress that usually accompanies Christmas. Mary was getting use to it. Somehow, however, this bothered her for some reason she couldn’t quite put her finger on. “Perhaps it was just getting too easy,” she thought to herself. “Perhaps it is getting too darn easy for our own good,” she added.
At the last minute (a few days before Christmas) Mary had suggested to Robin that perhaps they should each take $50 of the $100 her sister had sent them for Christmas and shop for each other. Robin thought it was too late in the season to do that so Mary had spent the money on groceries instead. Mary had been disappointed in this and decided that no matter how difficult it was for them next year that they would exchange gifts even if it only meant exchanging little tokens of love.
However, despite the lack of gifts under the tree Mary and Robin blessed each other with pretty cards and lovely verses. Mary had found a card that said exactly what she could have spent a full page writing in a brief but beautiful summation. Robin had taken the time to write Mary a note and this meant a lot to Mary. She would hold the words close to her heart.
The day was filled with a beautiful peace that descended on their home like a white snowfall on a dark night. Good and surprising news had come from her sister Martha who lived in the states. Mary had been praying for this sister and her marriage for a long while. It had been a sad affair and the couple had a friendly separation. Oddly, they seemed to spend more and better time together since their marriage break up that had occurred only months after they married back in 2003. On this particular Christmas Martha and her beloved had decided to take a trip to the coast in their mobile home. It surprised Mary even though she shouldn’t have been; she had encouraged her sister to do something this Christmas when her three grown children had indicated they wouldn’t be home for Christmas. But for her sister to end up going away with her ex amazed Mary.
So on this Christmas morning Mary was even more flabbergasted when her sister phoned and reported:“Ray and I got married again”. Mary had said nothing. In fact, Mary’s long pause was obvious and her sister Martha laughed nervously to break the silence.
“How wonderful!” Mary finally said, and she meant it. “I have been praying for you too for so long. I am so happy for you. When did this all happen?” Mary asked, curious about the details. Martha proceeded to share her jubilation over the big event and the particulars over the day. Apparently, it had happened three days prior to this and they had found a judge still available to do the deed.
When Mary got off the phone she found herself highly elated for her sister and amazed even though she shouldn’t have been. She had prayed after all for them, hadn’t she? So why did it seem like such a surprise to Mary? Well, dear reader, it seemed to Mary that her own prayers for herself, regarding her finances and a career seemed to be landing on deaf ears. Though Mary knew God wasn’t deaf by any means Martha’s good news seemed to indicate that at the very least He just wasn’t responding to her needs right now.
Later in the afternoon Theresa, Mary and Martha’s sister emailed Mary elated for Martha. Theresa had written:

It’s a Christmas of miracles all around. Martha being married, little Brian off drugs and not facing jail time like last Christmas, Katherine happy again, Sally 2 in town got to church for the first time in her life last night on Christmas Eve. She was raised without God and over the last few years I have given her simple instruction in being a Christian. Two weeks ago I baptized her and the next day she met and became friends with a United Church minister (a woman) from the Island

Yes, it was a miracle and as Mary looked at all the people Theresa had mentioned in her email she realized she and Robin had prayed for each and every one of them including her sister Theresa! What this did for Mary was encourage her that God was in the business of answering prayers and would answer hers in due time. For now she would enjoy the miracles of this Christmas and the answered prayer for so many she had petitioned God for on their behalf.
Christmas Day, Boxing Day and the following Monday Mary felt God continue to speak to her regarding her own Christmas wish: to know His will for His life. Christmas Day God had spoken and told Mary to Rest in Him or Be Still and wait patiently before Him to act. This encouragement was from Psalm 37; a familiar scripture which Mary read with new hope in her present situation. God would act on her behalf and she just needed to be still. The following day the reading was from Exodus 14 and God’s words to Moses at the parting of the Red sea spoke loud and clear to her: she was to stand still and see the salvation of the Lord just as the Israelites did when the great waters separated before them drowning their enemy, the Egyptians in the process.
Finally, on that very lovely Monday morning God reminded Mary of the prophet Zechariah’s encouragement regarding the rebuilding of the temple after Israel had been in captivity for 70 to Babylon. The prophet had said
“It is not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, says the Lord Almighty” (Zechariah 4:6). As Mary read from the commentaries on this passage her hope was renewed that God was at work on her behalf in her own situation. God through His Holy Spirit was fighting for her. She became even more excited however when she read the next verse which added "Nothing, not even a mighty mountain will stand in [your] way, it will flatten out before you". Mary harkened back to the thoughts and memories of Ireland and the mountain she had seen their looming in the mist, seemingly so insurmountable. God was speaking directly into her own situation! What a Christmas gift: God’s will for her life included His mighty power to flatten any mountains she faced!
Later that day as Mary drove to Windsor to pick up Robin she listened to a speaker on the radio. She didn’t normally get to hear his radio show because she usually left later. However, today she had decided to hit one or two of the big box stores to see what the Boxing Day sales were like. So it was about an hour earlier when she caught the ministers’ talk. Interestingly enough it was about restoration and how God was doing something and going to restore some people. What was interesting was the lecturer repeated himself more than once and directed his attention specifically to people he thought who were in his radio audience that had been called and had been somehow robbed of that call.
As Mary drove along she found herself pulled in to his discussion as if he was speaking to her alone. It was as if God was giving her a prophetic message through this man – that He was about to restore her. It impressed Mary greatly because already that day another minister had said something on the subject of restoration. A well known woman speaker had suggested from her take on Isaiah 61 that those who had gone through losses would "inherit a double portion of prosperity” or “double for their trouble”, as she put it. Mary had a busy day but threaded throughout were thoughts of these words of promise and whispers of hope.
She went to bed that night feeling deep within her a sense of God’s comfort. It instilled within her an inner peace she had not known for quite some time. She had thought the quiet streets of town had been the source of her quiet spirit but she realized that her surroundings only personified her existential situation. The New Year was coming and with it new challenges and the long awaited mountain Mary had feared since she had viewed it in Ireland. But despite this mountain and the difficulties it posed God was promising Mary He would be with her. It wouldn’t be by her power or might but His Spirit she would overcome. And that mountain she feared: well, when it came she would face it with Him who promised to level it. Yes, the New Year was just around the corner and Mary was excited that restoration was coming.

Hinds' Feet

Mary had run out of people to share her marvellous experience: seeing those beautiful deer that came so quickly and went just as speedily up the side of the ridge. Despite this the memory of the animals stayed fresh in her mind and were there in her thoughts the next morning in prayer. She decided to check out the word “deer” in her concordance and found another passage besides the one that had come to her the day before. This new scripture was found in both 2 Samuel 22 and Psalm 18: “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights.” Intrigued and curious about this passage Mary read a few more Bible translations to see how others had interpreted it.
It was the last translation she looked at that supplied a note of recognition to the verse. This passage in the King James Version was all too familiar. It deciphered the original text this way: “He makes my feet like hind’s feet: and setteth me upon high places”. Mary had read a book years and years ago by Hannah Hurnard entitled Hinds Feet on High Places. It was a metaphor for the story of the Christian walk showing the struggle of the main character, Much Afraid, as she journeyed through life and up a mountain of troubles.
Mary had identified with this story in her past life as she struggled through a tough marriage and her personal struggles with being a Christian. When Mary's first marriage ended and she had finished university she had gone to Ireland to celebrate. While there she found herself driving through the Connemara Mountains. She saw their beauty and greenness from around the lower edges and watched sheep and goats graze upon its emerald loveliness. At the time she saw herself having arrived at this peaceful place in the valley accomplishing the feat of overcoming the obstacles within the first half of her life. She had climbed her mountain and with God’s help had arrived.
However, before she left Ireland she stayed at a beautiful hotel in the north west of the island. Looking out her bedroom window was the view of the tallest and most daunting mountain she ever saw. It stood majestically in the clouds, so it seemed as the early morning mist shrouded it in mystery. While she looked upon this vision God spoke in her heart and told her this was the next mountain in her journey, the next challenge of her life.
As Mary thought back to that day she remembered how fearful she was of taking upon herself this confrontation. She had left that place and the Green Isle trying to forget what she saw and what God said to her. Today she realized that she was about to face that second half of her life journey and that mountain. Yesterday’s view of the hinds was a reminder that as God was with her through her past trials He would be with her no matter what she faced in her future.
The scriptures before her comforted her that God was her Rock and Refuge. This God would be her teacher teaching her “arms to wars” or as another translation spoke training her “hands for battle”. The whole passage was an encouragement that Mary was not only being led by the Holy Spirit for what faced her but that God would be with her during this battle.
Mary was encouraged because she recognized what the next challenge was: it was what she had run from all these years; dealing with the past rejection by the Church. She knew all her life it would come to this day. From her professional experience Mary was aware that God used present situations to heal past wounds. Mary had never truly been healed of the childhood rejection of the black hooded nun grabbing her and preventing her from receiving her First Communion. Oh yes, she had gone for many, many prayers but sometimes, as in this situation, some healing had to take place in re-experiencing the past through the present situation which acted like a trigger to the past incident. That thought did not excite Mary.
As Mary recalled the Connemara Mountains and the second mountain peek she realized how much bigger and more intimidating the later was. This did not excite Mary either. She found within herself the fearful, familiar character, Much Afraid, of the Hurnard book, coming to life again. However, Mary had been through a lot all these years and God had been with her. As God had been with her so He would be with her again.
He would make her feet as swift as the deer she watched yesterday that clipped their way up the hills. She would stand on the heights someday, she knew it. She would see God’s promise of scripture come true that God would “stoop down to make [her] great. “
This was all in the future, in her New Year. This is what faced her but she was not alone. God was with her and promised He would get her there: he was making her “feet like hind’s feet” and God would “enable [her] stand on those “heights”.Looking out her window that day Mary thought about the last seven years living in this very, very flat county. It had been a land of lack but God had provided through those years and Mary and Robin had grown closer together to each other and God during this time. It was a good time. But God was about to change all that and lead Mary and Robin someplace else. Perhaps the time of financial difficulty was about to end but in its place God was putting a new hurtle. Mary didn’t think both would exist side by side because she knew God never gave you more than you could handle. So Mary looked forward to the New Year and saying goodbye to her debt. However, the new hump she would have to get over was far greater than anything she had faced.
Mary considered the deer she had seen yesterday once again. The young stags had appeared so strong and appeared to climb the ridge with such ease. Perhaps that is what it was to have feet like hinds’ feet: one was enabled to face and bound through trials and climb the mountains of difficulties with victory and triumph.
As Mary considered this thought she realized God’s answer to her prayer for Christmas, her Christmas present to know God’s will for her life had just expanded. Mary now knew she would be moving on in the famine just like those in history who travelled around looking for food. She and Robin would be moving to Windsor. There God said her ministry was to bring good news to the afflicted and poor and it seemed now this would all be done in the context of the church and under their umbrella. This later truth meant dealing with those in charge. However, despite Mary having a hard time seeing the gift in this she knew she had asked God’s will. God’s will was not only for her to work with and through the church to bring good news to the poor. God was indicating in the process Mary would be facing the challenge of her life: to face an old wound that hadn’t been totally healed.
However, God‘s will for her was not without His love and support. You see in the last couple of days God was indicating He would lead her; His gift to her included strength like that of the doe and an ability to climb every mountain. Her hind’s feet would get her to those high places. Mary felt no matter how long it took it was the last leg of her journey. But no matter what: God was with them on this mountain climb and someday would stand on the heights with her. This was for sure, dear reader, this was for sure!

His Deer Presence

Early Monday morning Mary quietly read from Jeremiah 31:3 of God’s love: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; with unfailing love I have drawn you to myself”. It was a reassurance she needed this morning as her soul was a little unsettled. If she had only reflected on the moment and God's love she would have recognized the condemnation and guilt that had come upon her earlier for what it was. But she hadn’t.
It all started the day before during the Sunday service and the Vision class that followed. Mary and Robin were enrolled in the later. In the service the Pastor spoke about the church’s vision, the importance of unity and accomplishment of that vision coming through working together. One of the comments that struck Mary was the need for unity because otherwise the House is divided and there is a fall from influence and authority. At this point in the sermon Mary had felt condemned. Satan had attacked a weak spot: Mary had always felt if she had been doing things right she and Robin wouldn’t be suffering financially and she would have influence and authority.
However, Satan’s attack didn’t end here. During the Vision class another Pastor gave a masterful discussion on being broken and surrendered to God. The sermon for all intents and purposes was right on the nose but again the enemy whispered in Mary’s ear doubts and fears about who and what she should or could not do.
As a result, by the time Monday morning rolled around Mary hesitated to assess the truth of what had been said because she felt the worst of herself and feared she could never accomplish what she summarized from Sunday’s messages: that she would have to surrender to those ministers in that church and succumb to whatever test they put her through. Having gone through much abuse and rejection by different authority figures in her past Mary had kept her distance when it came to this Assembly. So now Mary’s mind was plagued with guilt and shame and worst of all a sense of hopelessness that she could not possibly attempt to be at unity with these people.
In her heart Mary was able to admit to God that she had sinned and resisted getting close to this group of pastors. She could go that far but knew if she was to repent then she had to turn around and go the other way. In her mind, in this instance she was to be in unity by humbling herself to these church people and trust them.
Now that was repentance she felt incapable of tackling. How could she trust them knowing her past history? So she was left feeling sad that she might never accomplish this demand especially if her salvation depended on it. Mary felt resisting what she thought meant unity for her would be displeasing God.
So on the way to work that morning with Robin Mary shared her sin: that she had been running from this church and that she felt the message of unity yesterday indicated she had to be one with these people and work with them.
It was in the middle of this discussion that Robin interrupted her: “But you are to be in unity with the Trinity first. If you look to men they are always going to be in disagreement. Let God lead!”Mary felt she had been hit over the head - and she had - with the truth. She was so blown away by it she had to remain silent for a minute before she said, “Yes! That is it. I have to trust in God. I have to be in unity and be led by the Holy Spirit. It is not about me trying to unite with the individuals in the church but unite with and be led by the Holy Spirit. He may lead me amongst them to work with them but it is that unity with the Trinity first before any other!”
Mary felt a great relief off her shoulders as the burden had been so heavy. She could trust in God and walk with Him where He led her. She was not alone. The burden wasn’t hers to carry nor was the feat hers to accomplish alone.
As Mary left Robin at the church that morning she smiled to herself at the great wisdom God had imparted to her husband. Mary’s mood had changed considerably just because she had been honest and open with her husband. Talk about unity! God had showed up and spoken and to think: it came through the words of her husband!
Mary‘s contemplation of their discussion continued as she drove home along the back roads of Essex county. Despite there being a lot of flat land there were some more hilly areas especially near the River Canard where it ran through the bushy backwoods. As Mary was driving through one such area she suddenly slowed her car and watched breathlessly as a deer stepped timidly out onto the road. Mary gasped with excitement. The beautiful gentle creature stood looking at her. As Mary sat mesmerized in her car she was even more delighted when a doe came out from among the trees and stood alongside the first deer. As they slowly moved across the road eyeing Mary as they went she was overjoyed in her heart when not one more but four more deer walked across gracefully in front of her to the other side of the road. Driving up closer to where they had just stood Mary watched to where they had gone and eyed them increase their speed and lift their legs in a gallop to fly up the side of a hill.
Mary’s joy turned to weeping at the thought of God’s loving presence and how it warmed her heart so with this sight. She was reminded of a scripture and whispered: “as the deer pants for running waters so my soul yearns for you, Lord.” How perfect the whole picture had been and even lovelier was another scripture that came to mind: that signs and wonders follow. Mary felt these deer were a sign and wonder that confirmed the wisdom Robin shared.
Part of the answer to Mary’s Christmas present to know God’s will for her life had been to realize she had been anointed to spread the good news to the poor, afflicted and broken-hearted. Sunday’s message directed the congregation to be in unity with the church and its vision. It seemed after her discussion with Robin that this message was just another confirmation of what God was showing her was His will for her life; she was to spread the good news and this was, in fact, united with the church's view to win the generations to Christ! Mary smiled to herself as she thought about her Christmas present this year...and those deer showing up: they really were His deer presence! How awesome was that, yes awesome indeed!

Glad Tidings to the Poor

Mary had received quite a gift and answer to prayer. The gift she asked for God that Christmas was to know God’s will for her life. Well, the revelation that initially came indicated that in times of famine people often moved and relocated. It seemed to Mary that right now this was God’s will for her life – to move to Windsor.
The answer to this prayer did not end with this insight, however. Following on this disclosure from God came another shortly afterwards. Mary had listened to the woes of so many this Christmas and normally she would have tried to carry the burden around. This year she decided that just as with the burden of guilt she could no longer carry other’s problems either. She would pray for them instead. Coupled with this decision God spoke to Mary’s heart directly about the afflicted, the poor and needy.
Mary had been reading Isaiah 61:1-2; the very words Jesus had quoted in the Gospel of Luke. Normally, because of the abuse of her past her focus on that passage tended to dwell on God’s promise to heal the broken hearted and set the captives free. Mary had found in her own life God had healed her broken heart and set her free from her captivity to an abusive relationship. God had used her painful past to bring healing to those around her.
However, on this particular morning Mary was quickened in her spirit to read:
“The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me because the Lord has anointed me and qualified me to preach the Gospel of good tidings to the meek, the poor, and the afflicted.” She had stopped there because God had been showing her a whole new meaning to the word “affliction”. It now had come to mean someone having troubles, dealing with adversity, calamity, grief, sorrow, and going through a famine.
Now as she looked back at the last seven years of her afflictiion Mary had learned to live through a famine of sorts and through poverty. Her insight of the day before encouraged her that what she went through had helped her grow. How much had she learned about cooking and budgeting? How much more had she learned to trust God?
But this day’s insight seemed to be another part in God’s answer to her prayer for Christmas: to know His will for her life. For God was suggesting deep down within Mary’s heart that her ministry might be to the poor now. They were moving to Windsor in this time of famine. Mary knew they would have to downsize into a much cheaper home to get their debt down. This meant they wouldn’t be living in the prettiest part of town. But Mary knew she would meet many poor and deprived there. God’s will for her was a ministry to bring the Good News to the poor. Mary was set to go.
God never failed to amaze Mary. Recently Mary and Robin had both agreed to take the Vision leadership course at church. There they learned that the church’s mission was to win the generations to Christ, connect them to the Master’s plan, empower them to succeed and finally, grow the kingdom. This mission lined up with this direction from the Word: that as God’s anointed she was to bring good news to the poor. Mary was grateful that God had given her part or all of her Christmas gift. She was delighted that she now saw God’s will for her life: she was to go in this time of famine to Windsor and speak the good news to the poor. She was to tell of this time of God’s favour, that it had come. She was to share the gospel of this Good News and testify of this same favour and grace she had experienced firsthand. She was the living testament of this Good News! God had used it all for this very moment in time to go and bring good news to the afflicted, just as she had been! “How awesome is that, Mary thought to herself, how awesome is that! Thank you, Lord, for this gift, this wonderful, wonderful Christmas present!”All her past years was beginning to make sense now with the truths that were coming this last while about what she had been through and this answer to prayer. With it came a new lightness, a new freedom and a peace that past all understanding. Odd, isn’t it, how such a simple prayer for one simple gift could leave in its wake so much more than a person could ask or imagine! But it did dear reader! It certainly did.

Famine's Purpose

Mary’s week began with quite an expensive purchase: new winter tires. A horrible winter storm had settled on Essex County and to top that the high winds blasted across the very, very flat crop lands and hid the side roads underneath the tundra! Needless to say the drive into the Windsor after a week off was very stressful. Robin was in more than agreement on Mary checking out the prices of tires and getting them on the car. Her car had swerved all over the place even though Mary was only driving 40 km an hour.
The first blessing of the day came in a fantastic deal from the new Canadian Tire owner at the local store in town. A nice strong voice had answered the phone when Mary’s called back to give the size of her tire. She hadn’t known when she phoned initially but her calls to one of three other businesses in the area that also sold tires informed her of the size and number. Although the new entrepreneur of the Canadian Tire had estimated a good price for a set of tires Mary told the kind young man she would be possibly buying them elsewhere as someone had offered her a better price.
The wise young man on the other end of the phone had not let Mary get away that quickly and offered to match the price of the other vendor’s estimate! What was nice about this was that Canadian Tire was close by, offered a ride, and could also give her an oil change. The other gentleman with the better deal only sold tires. So Mary jumped on the offer and despite delays and frustrations got a new set of tires installed just in time to drive back to Windsor at 4pm that day to pick up Robin.
What was more exciting was money had come to Robin from a surprise source that day that would help immensely with the bill! Robin had recognized what his step of faith had done in agreeing to get new tires! Mary was pleased with this. God was at work!
The next day Mary had been reading about famines in the Old Testament. As Mary digested some of the scriptures on the subject she noticed that often times when famine came the Israelites were forced to relocate or travel someplace to get food. In both the stories of Joseph and his brothers in the Book of Genesis and the story of Ruth and Naomi in the Book of Ruth this idea was apparent.
In the Genesis narration Joseph’s father, Jacob, sent his sons off to Egypt during a famine in Judah. They were forced to deal with an issue that they had buried: selling their brother Joseph to the Egyptians 13 years earlier! In the Book of Ruth Elimelech and his wife Naomi took their two sons and moved to Moab because of a severe famine in Judah. In the case of Joseph and his brothers God used the famine to reunite them and deal with their unresolved conflict. In the Book of Ruth one of Naomi’s sons had married Ruth, a Moabite, while in Moab. Though the son dies early on in the story Ruth pledges herself to her mother-in-law to return with her to her native homeland after news comes of good crops back home in Judah.
If Naomi and her husband hadn’t of gone to Moab her husband and both sons might not have died. However, because they did go Ruth is brought into the family. The important point here is that eventually from Ruth’s loins came the offspring that continued the family line through which the Messiah would come into the world!
As Mary reflected on these stories she realized that her afflictions were not always the fruit of her lifestyle nor did it seem to matter if it was. What Mary saw was how God uses what man means for evil for His and their good. Mary thought of Romans 8:28 “all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose”. Mary had a new perspective on her situation right now. It arose from handing over the burden of responsibility and guilt of their financial situation to God. With new eyes Mary recognized that her momentary and light affliction was working for her a greater glory. Perhaps it would be important for Robin and Mary to move to Windsor during this time. But Mary felt it was okay at this point because after reading how the two Old Testament stories ended she realized if God had a purpose for her life it might mean moving from this small town they lived in now. Perhaps the famine in their own life was to move them out of this town for that one purpose alone: to lead them into fulfilment of God’s destiny for their lives in Windsor.
Mary was elated by this revelation. Perhaps it came coincidentally or just maybe it came because she had let go of the burden of guilt and responsibility of everything including their debt. Mary smiled happily to herself. That was wonderful. Why, what was even more wonderful was that just yesterday she prayed in the car with Robin for one gift alone this Christmas from God: to know God’s will for her life. It seemed to Mary that on her journey of faith God had used everything even a guilt complex to ultimately get her to this place and begin to show her His will for her life. Mary would not resist God any longer and this decision to move to Windsor. It was timely and right and just as their Patriarchal forefathers had moved as God compelled them He was moving Mary and Robin now. Mary smiled again as she realized she didn’t need to feel guilty about wanting to move – perhaps that desire was put there by God just as it must have been for Naomi and her family.
Mary wasn’t sure what would meet them if and when they moved to Windsor but it was not about all the “what ifs”. The question she should be asking she realized should not be a self-absorption or preoccupation with what she should do. The question should be “who was her God in all this?” The answer to that, Mary realized, would come daily as she took the journey with God, each step of the way, day by day and so far God had been good and faithful in her life. And this God was the one that was and always would be. Amen, to that brother? Amen.

The Yoke of Slavery is Broken

Despite Mary and Robin being on holidays God’s healing process did not stop that week. (It never does, you know!) This concept of feeling guilty seemed to encompass everything. Mary wrote in her journal: “I feel guilty if I spend. I feel guilty if I run out of money. I feel guilty because I am not working. I feel guilty that I am not looking for a job. I feel guilty Robin is making wages and I am not.”As Mary reflected on all these burdens of guilt she recognized they weren’t hers to carry. She gave over the burdens to God . She confessed her sin of trying to be God and carry all her problems herself. She asked God to forgive her for this and surrendered this problem over to God to deal with it. As the week progressed God began to deal with this issue showing her scripture passages and situations where this guilt was so prevalent.
Streams in the Desert spoke into Mary’s heart that week about the darkness she had been wandering around in. She had been in darkness about her carrying the guilt of their debt and had tried to help herself find the light in their financial problems. Her guilt had led her to trusting in herself to find a way out without trusting in God and relying on Him.
Mary reflected on this idea. She asked herself in her meditations: “How many ‘ways out’ have I tried in this last year to escape my problems and my guilt? I tried buying a cottage, buying a house in Windsor – either with no success; budgeting until I am blue in the face, scrimping and saving. These ‘ways’, she wrote, made me more proud than anything. These ways have not seen me out of my debt nor relived my guilt!”
One particular morning the words from Isaiah 50:7 whispered encouragement to Mary. It suggested if she made the Sovereign Lord her help than she would not be dismayed, confounded or disgraced. The passage went on to indicate that God who justifies was near. Since God was near who would oppose her or contend with her? Mary paraphrased the scriptures and made it personal: “where my enemies and adversaries are, let them appear and let us stand together . . . the Sovereign Lord is on my side and will help me. Who is he that condemns me and declares me guilty?”That last line blew Mary away. Mary realized the one who condemned and declared her guilty was herself! God was on her side and would fight for her! Talk about a battle of the mind!
Mary realized her only duty was to recognize the guilt game going on in her mind and give the burden of it and the situation over to God. This God was the Sovereign Lord. Sovereign meant one possessing supreme power and supreme authority. “Well, Mary laughed sadly to herself, I haven’t allowed you that much, have I? I have been too busy trying to figure out things myself.”
Later in the day when she and Robin went out for a ride to a Christian Book store Mary was delighted to find many pretty things for Christmas. But she was bolted upright in her thoughts when she read from a pretty Christmas card “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given. And the government will rest upon his shoulders!” (Isaiah 9:6) This government, it went on to say, would be a “peaceful” government [that] would never end! It was a zinger that hit Mary right between the eyes. The Sovereign Lord who possessed all power should be carrying her burden around and governing her life. It should be a peaceful government. Boy, had she screwed up! But Mary was glad for these intimacies she was learning about her God. The promises would help her let go every time she tried to carry a burden of guilt which was not hers to carry.
Later at home when Mary looked at this passage from Isaiah more closely she read “the people who walk in darkness will see a great light”. Mary laughed to herself and shook her head. Hadn’t she been in the dark about her feeling guilty over everything? What a burden! What a yoke of slavery.
It was then that she read from Isaiah 9:4 “.... God will break the yoke of their slavery from their shoulders and lift the burden [of guilt] from them”. Mary sat their quietly stunned. What Jesus had done 2,000 years ago was here prophesized so many hundreds of years earlier. Mary felt the hope rise in here that God was not only on her side but as Saviour held complete government over her life. This Jesus had taken upon himself her sin. Why then, she asked herself, did she continue to feel guilty about anything and everything? Boy, what a burden.
But then the words of Jesus were whispered sweetly and kindly into her ears: come to me, Mary, you who are weary. I will give you rest, come with your burden and take my yoke instead. It was with great relief and ease Mary handed over her burden and decided to trust God and take His yoke. She needed rest from this burden anyways for she had beaten herself up so many times and never saw it quite like she saw it now.
The very next day Mary had the opportunity to walk down to the St. Vincent de Paul while Robin went for an eye test. Though it had snowed in the morning the sun came out in the afternoon and it was quite balmy. Mary was too well dressed for the weather with her big fur hat and scarf and gloves. She took them off as she meandered through the store looking at different things. While she was there she saw a coat she liked, a ski jacket, but she didn’t have $10 with her. She would have to come back for it.
Anyways, while there, she saw an old friend. This woman had befriended Mary when she first moved to Amherstburg. They had met at garage sales and got along at once. However, it wasn’t long before Mary realized the relationship was a little co-dependent. Mary had to do most of the driving as her new friend was either not well enough to drive or couldn’t get the car. Further, Mary recognized that this person often talked about her other friends in a negative way when they weren’t around to defend themselves. This bothered Mary. In Toronto, Mary had lost a close friend because of her own bad habit of being critical. That is another story! Needless to say, after losing her friend in Toronto after a 16 year relationship Mary was hesitant about getting burned herself. She tried to keep any bad comments to herself about others and resisted being in relationship to murmurers!
As a result of this Mary decided a year or more ago to cut ties with this girl. It had been a hard battle because Mary recognized now that she had always felt “guilty” as if the whole problem was hers. Mary left the store that day and met up Robin at the optometrist. She shared how she felt. What was wonderful about this was that God who had been healing her of guilt now had shown her an actual experience with another person where she had tried to carry the burden of shame and blame. After Mary's discussion with Robin she decided she could only deal with her share of what went wrong. She didn’t need to feel guilty now that they were no longer friends. She could let go of this person and the guilt! Wow, did it feel good. Mary found it very freeing to release the responsibility for guilt she had been carrying around all these years. Mary didn’t know how far God would take it but she hoped He would continue until she desisted in feeling liable for everyone and everything in her life!
Later at home, in the safety and privacy of her bedroom Mary prayed: “O, Lord, thank you for the work you are doing in my heart. Thank you for showing me the needless weight I am carrying around. I give over to you my life. You are Sovereign Lord and the government is now on Your shoulders. I no longer want to carry it. I will trust You and let go. Forgive me for trying to carry all my problems myself. I confess You alone are God and not me. You alone are Lord, Amen”.
As Mary sat back considering this prayer that came after such a restive week she was amazed at God’s gift to her. God had blessed her in more than one way this week. It had been nice not to drive Robin to work, wonderful to sleep in every morning but most of all Mary was thankful to have heard from God. Robin would be back to work on Monday and their routine would get back into place once again. However, one thing was for sure, the amazing God who was always up to something new would continue to surprise her with His loving presence. It was a journey that never ended with Him. No matter what she had been through Mary had always felt His intimacy and affection. How gentle and kind God had shown himself to be yet again showing her this sick thing, guilt, she had burdened herself with. But as always in the past Mary knew this was a new day with God. All her guilt and shame God had taken to the cross for her. She didn’t have to suffer with it anymore. Mary smiled to herself feeling yet a little bit freer to face a new day and new possibilities with the New Year not far away.

Every Good and Perfect Gift

Mary had gotten up a little later than usual as Robin was on holidays. She crept around the house peering through the darkness that still clung to the morning. It was her favourite time of day when all was quiet and she could spend time in prayer with no interruptions for even most of the animals were still sleeping.
Mary smelt her coffee that was almost finished dripping. She loved that aroma! Filling her cup to the brim Mary manoeuvred her precious preparation off the counter. Unfortunately, it never got too far as Mary tripped up on her own pyjamas. Coffee landed everywhere including atop the gift cards. They were a bonus Robin had received for some work he had done that year. The spill did not bother Mary but the reminder of the money wasted on gift cards did. In any other time of their life it would have been lovely and thoughtful to have received a generous gift in the form of restaurant cards. However, Mary knew they needed far more than restaurant cards and it seemed an impractical gift for two people who needed so many necessities.
Mary had grappled with this gift all week and tried putting it out of her mind. Every time she looked at the cards she cried because she knew they could have used the money to pay off their debt more. It was painful. She realized she was being ungrateful and had tried being thankful to God. The givers of the cards were well intentioned. It seemed to Mary this was all a part of God’s response to a desire of her heart that she had prayed for years: to be content in all things.
As she sopped up the mess off the cards, the counter, and floor Mary cried to herself. It was a place of trust, she knew that. She also knew she was being very selfish and ungrateful each time she looked at the plastic cards. She wanted to be so different at heart. However, she knew she must walk through this despite her response and dislike of herself. “God, it is hard to be content in all things, “Mary whispered to her Creator in the dark.
Tears rolling down her cheeks, Mary took her cup of coffee and went back upstairs to pray. “God, please help me to be satisfied with what is given me and forgive me for trying to tell you what to do”, Mary sobbed out. Putting her coffee down gingerly on her desk she opened her devotional to the days reading.
The scripture passage was from Matthew 6; a reminder of the lily of the field who does not labour or spin. It was like God asking “Why do you worry so?” Oddly, Mary and Robin had been discussing the need for winter attire just that morning. Oh, there were so many things they needed. They had decided not to exchange at Christmas time for the third year in a row. Mary had been alright with it the last couple of years but something inside her this year resisted a little. Robin had wanted to buy gifts but Mary argued that they would just be eating up their line of credit and visa. Mary didn’t want the extra stress of adding more debt to their life.
Mary cried again as she thought of their situation. In her heart she realized the truth of scripture. The Book of James encouraged Mary that

every good and perfect gift came down from the Father of the heavenly lights

. The restaurant food vouchers were something good. Perhaps Mary was too worried about something that God didn’t seem at all concerned about: wouldn’t He have sent cash if he wanted them to focus on paying the debt down? By sending this”good gift” it seemed God was suggesting as the scripture passage today that they not worry about what you are to eat, or drink or wear. The next verse really caught Mary’s attention. It said “For the pagans run after these things and your Heavenly Father knows you need them” (Matthew 6:32).
Mary hung her head in shame. She spoke harshly to herself: “Haven’t you learned to trust God all these years in so many ways that were so numerous that you couldn’t even begin to count them, if you tried? Yes,” she whispered to herself.
Then more angrily and louder, no longer whispering she berated herself: “Then why do you act like a pagan? You need to rejoice and be glad at this gift. You need to give thanks that your Father is going to supply all your necessities and just enjoy this good gift He decided to bless you both with.”
Mary knew this meant trusting God and being grateful rather than murmuring. She didn’t want to be ungrateful like the Israelites who received manna in the desert. No, she wanted to dance, praise God and give thanks with full abandon. She wanted to be like the child she once was who lived in the moment and let everyone else worry. She needed to do that now. She made up her mind: she would. This Christmas season she would praise and thank God for whatever He gave her. She might even throw caution to the wind and maybe, just maybe think about exchanging gifts with Robin for Christmas. Oh, it wouldn’t be much, but perhaps even a $20 gift wouldn’t hurt. She would see.
For now, Mary decided to focus more on praising and thanking God-even now in this situation when she didn’t understand how He worked or why He worked that way. If God was more concerned about them being entertained and eating out then Mary knew she should enjoy the restaurant coupons without guilt or worry. Lifting her coffee cup to her lips Mary read the next verse of scripture: “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things would be added unto you”. Mary smiled to herself. Mary and Robin had been trying to help where help was required, give where there was the most financial want and even joined a church leadership class to seek God’s direction for their life.
“Perhaps, just perhaps,” thought Mary to herself, “these cards are some of the things being ‘added unto us’ because we are seeking first God’s kingdom.” Was she right? Was she misled? If you are a fellow Christian you might judge her for being so distrusting of God. If you are a worldly sort you will understand completely what Mary was going through. After all, you have been on your own for your whole life looking out for yourself and your needs. Like Mary perhaps you have trusted only yourself. Yes, perhaps Mary should have known better because she had trusted God in other ways and in other circumstances. This was a new way, however, a new road God had been taking her on and Mary had never been so stretched to trust in God.
“The way is narrow, it says somewhere in scripture, that leads to life, and boy, this is a narrow road,” Mary thought to herself. “Oddly enough on this particular section of the road I should be happy, unconcerned, and carefree like the bird in the air that never sews seed or gathers food in barns but yet has plenty. “So why not,” she thought,” yes, why not be happy?”
What a challenge! What a fight! For it would be one, for sure, to trust in God, give thanks and let Him do what He was doing and not worry. Yes, it was a battle. Mary realized the first weapon of her warfare at this time of learning to trust and be content no matter what God gave or didn’t give was praise and thanksgiving. Mary decided to be determined to do both. Getting up from her chair Mary hummed a happy tune of praise and went on her way with the day.
As Mary got dressed she found herself thinking: “I will let go and surrender to you, God each time I find myself focusing on our money problem.” Then she realized something in mid thought: it wasn’t their problem it was God’s! She never saw it this way before and today was the first time this thought possessed her. Yes, Mary cried out, it’s your problem, God and not mine. You are my Father and own the cattle on a thousand hills. This is your problem, not mine.
Tears flowed down from Mary’s face as she contemplated this idea of God as her Father. It was time to put into practice all that scripture said about being a child of God. Mary knew the problem she faced and had always faced: her earthly father had never been there for Mary. She had grown up in a home where he was absent. Mary’s mother had worked hard and had her four children out working to help make ends meet. Martha had worked at Christie’s Bakery nights while going to school during the day. Her brother Joe, Mary knew, had worked in an amusement park when he was 8 years old. Mary herself had spent the 14th summer of her life babysitting 5 children (one of whom was mentally challenged) who lived next door. She got $15 a week from that job. She paid her mom $10 for room and board. The rest she saved in the bank. By the time Mary was 16 she had saved enough money from this and other babysitting jobs to buy her first coat.
It was a long, below the knee, full length black fur coat with thicker fur cuffs on the arms and bottom rim of the coat. It was cinched with a black shiny belt at the waist. Mary had been so proud of her first purchase. It represented many hours of holding and feeding crying babies.
As Mary reflected on this difficult time Mary knew that her mother had done right in leaving her father who was an abusive alcoholic. If her mother didn’t hide some of his pay he would spend it all on booze and then come home and beat their mother. No wonder this was a tough area to trust God, Mary thought to herself. From as early on as she could remember Mary had to fend for herself within the family just to survive.
Mary had learned what she thought were a few valuable lessons from it so when it came time to trust God it was hard to relearn all she had been taught. Her own father was never there: would God be there? Her own father had abandoned her: wouldn’t God too? Her own father never gave her anything: would God?
Mary had seen God act mightily in her own life but she still struggled with the old voices of fear and doubt that raised their ugly heads when troubles came. Not only that but Mary had to deal with her mother’s dead voice that still echoed in her memory like alarm bells going off every time a bill came in or reprimanded Mary each time Mary felt she spent frivolously. Mary would never forget the time her mother gave Teresa, her sister $40 for her birthday. Teresa had gone out and bought this beautiful Blue Mountain statue of a dog. It was a lovely green shade. Mary never could figure out why they called it “Blue” Mountain when the colour was obviously anything but blue. At any rate, Teresa was so happy and proud of her gift but when her mother saw it boy was she mad!
“How could you spend this money on such a useless thing?” Mary recalled her mother say and on and on the harping went. Teresa, according to her mother, should have bought clothes or underwear or something more practical. How could she!
Then it hit Mary like a lead pipe: this problem with the gift cards from the restaurant was her mother’s voice deep within resounding loud and clear and condemning Mary. “How could she ever have a nice time out when so much money was owed elsewhere? They should be paying off debt and not going out to dinner.” Mary sat stupefied.
Mary’s reflection included a look back at her mother’s home when she died. There were no trinkets or pretty things in her mother’s house that her mother had bought. Everything had been given to her mother as gifts. She would never waste her money on such things. Despite her attitude her mother loved each and everything her children had given to her. It dawned on Mary that in her own fears she was becoming like her mother.
How sad, she thought to herself, her mother had been so deprived she had gone to the opposite extreme of what was necessary. Mary supposed most depression era people had learned to control their spending. Then to top it all off her mother had raised four children alone. Mary could see why her mother had become so practical. It was a bittersweet memory because Mary realized how much her own mother went without to look after them.
Her mother rarely went out to dine, rarely shopped at the store for dresses and depended on bags of clothes given to them from the church or school where she taught. She had given up so much for them. Looking back Mary realized that these tough survival lessons she learned from her mother were a hindrance when it came to trusting God. This was a new season though. God would look after her, after all He promised to supply all of her needs in a way worthy of his magnificent riches. She must trust, that was all there was to it. She would not discard what her mother taught her though for she knew she could not throw the baby out with the bath water.
The economical saving qualities of her mother had been handed down to Mary. These were good things, Mary believed. During these present difficult years Mary had been able to stretch her food budget dollar, spread her money on cost-effective meals that could be frozen for another day, as well as resort to using the basics in cleaning supplies to save money on what could be an otherwise expensive duty. All in all, as Mary reflected on her upbringing and her present need to conserve she realized she had not only used all her mother’s teachings for her current situation but gained some insights of her own along the way.
She was proud of herself. Good things had come out of deprivation. Now the lesson she needed to learn was who God was in all this. She certainly found the inner strength and wisdom to deal with many of the problems she faced herself. Now the great challenge would be to trust God’s provision. Further, Mary would have to confront and battle the fearful voice of her deceased mother that was still speaking to her after all these years! Yet now that she recognized where her fears originated it was a much easier battle. Why, the more she thought of it the more she felt at ease and peaceful about the gift cards. She was suddenly more grateful then she thought possible. They could use these cards in good health and not feel guilty that she hadn’t gotten money instead.
Mary realized with an even greater insight that that was the problem all along: she had felt guilty. Yes, oddly enough she was feeling culpable about not receiving cash to pay off her debt. Wow! That was such a big eye opener. Yes, as she thought about it she recognized she couldn’t be responsible because she hadn’t purchased these – they were a gift, after all.
“How weird that was”, thought Mary to herself, “I was wanting cash somehow to relieve my guilty conscience.” Mary realized she incurred this guilt when her mother rebuked her sister over her transgression of purchasing the dog statue. Somehow though her sister got into trouble Mary still held on to the guilt and shame of the moment as if it was hers! She decided to let go of it now. It was not too late. “I am going to let go of it, Lord, I give you over that guilt and shame from the memory with Teresa and mom. It’s not mine to hold on to. It never was.”
With the relinquishing of that pain and grief Mary felt a sudden flow of relief and tears fell down her cheek as God began to heal her of that wounded spirit. “Forgive me, Father, she cried, for my sin”. Even as Mary spoke these words she realized she wasn’t sure what she was guilty of that needed forgiving. As a child coming from a legalist home Mary felt guilty about everything even when she wasn’t the responsible party. Her husband often commented on this. Despite this Mary still felt compelled to look at her guilt in every situation even if she wasn’t to blame. Now she recognized that even in this situation with her sister she had taken on herself that guilt that was not hers.
What was worst, as in the situation with the gift cards, sometimes Mary had tried to transfer that guilt on to others. In this case it was a burden of guilt she had tried to put on the giver! Out of Mary’s legalistic mind and her great compilation of ‘should haves, could haves and would haves” came a judgemental rebuke: they should have given money rather than the gift cards.
This insight made Mary shake her head in discouragement. How many times in the past had she tried to blame others for a burden that wasn’t theirs to carry or hers to begin with! This was the sin. She had tried to carry the sin and guilt of others and when not possible had tried to point the finger elsewhere. This realization did not make Mary feel very good about herself. God, in Christ Jesus had taken all man’s burden of guilt and sin to the cross. Yet here was Mary all these years carrying this heavy yoke of slavery around her neck. What was worse was that when she couldn’t possibly find herself guilty she looked elsewhere. Ugh! Mary felt a sick feeling in her stomach. She recognized at that point she did have need of forgiveness for trying to carry this burden around.
“Please forgive me, Lord, for my sins. I am not God to carry this guilt around. Jesus, thank you for taking my sin and guilt on the cross, in my place. Forgive me for trying to be my own saviour and for being judge and jury of others. I let it all go and ask for your help in the future.
As she sat back in her chair reflecting she wondered just how far this ugly little thing extended to in her life. One question above all others came to the surface: Was she feeling so guilty right now about their debt that this remorse was at the root of her disinterest in exchanging gifts? If she was in control and trusting herself to resolve her financial issues than the likely answer was “Yes”. However, if Mary was to start trusting God, as Father, than she needed to let go of control and its repercussions in her life. She had to let go of the burden of guilt and she must let go of control. It was a heavy task at hand. She was only at the beginning stages of this discovery so she should not be too hard on herself. She would be grateful, that is how she would start. That’s all she knew right now. “Just to think, Mary said to herself, it all started with these gift cards! Mm”, she mused to herself, “so they were “good and perfect gifts” in more than one way, for the feelings they had agitated within me had turned out to reveal the root of this evil as well.”
“How awesome is that” she said to her spirit in quiet amazement. Yes, it was awesome indeed. As God often did he used one situation to deal with many. His work wasn’t over but He who begins a good work in all of us would complete it someday in Mary! And that is another good gift, is it not?

Contentment Comes

Mary read early that morning from two translations of the Bible. One said: “Thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress" (Ps. 4:1). The other translation said: “You have relieved me in my distress”. It caught Mary’s attention and so she sought the commentaries meaning for this verse. It indicated that the person speaking was pressed or confined and knew not how to escape and God interposed and gave him room so he felt free.
Mary thought to herself:” I see the last few weeks the gift of freedom as you showed me in revelation how fear had entered in and I was paranoid about spending due to focusing on the law of budgeting and finances rather than trusting you. It has been with great relief I have begun to enjoy living again. I have even bought extra Christmas decorations at the St. Vincent de Paul. Robin came with me and we found a beautiful big blue star that we hung outside. Robin had to modify its electrical workings so we could place it high above the upstairs window in the elements. It was on for half price for $3.50. It was an awesome deal at $7 and so we felt ecstatic at this and our other little purchases.”
Mary had indeed been set free and felt God had also given her a measure of contentment – something she prayed for - for years and years. Partially Mary felt this came as a result of God putting a desire in her heart to be thankful. She had awoken early on the American Thanksgiving morning and felt a voice inside here urge her to praise God. Obediently she had done it quietly in her prayer closet, then on the way to work with Robin and later she wrote a list of all the things in her life she was grateful for.
Equipped with her list Mary took a run over to the little church which opened its doors between 12 and 1pm for prayer. As she sat down to offer up some prayers of thanksgiving Mary was interrupted by the minister: did she need prayer? Mary thought about it for a long moment before answering: “Not really. Today I am here just to give thanks. I am always asking God for things so today I am just going to praise and bless him. If you would like to do that you are welcome to but I have nothing I would like prayed for.” The young minister looked a bit surprised but afterwards, as she prayed silently, she overheard the pastor praising and thanking God. Mary smiled.
Later that day, throughout making dinner, and doing her chores Mary showed her appreciation to God with songs and words of exaltation. Mary found herself filled with peace and joy and a new contentment that evaded her these many weeks and months overwhelmed her. Suddenly Mary realized she was completely indifferent about whether she moved or not. If she stayed or departed, it was of little consequence. She found this quite interesting and could only put it down to what God had been doing within her between showing her the fear she had acquired and putting it in her heart to be grateful. It didn’t much matter. What did seem significant was that she no longer cared if they ever moved. God would supply their needs where ever they were and if they were to stay in this house that was just fine. And if God didn’t see fit to look after their needs then there would be a message and a lesson in the trial that they would face.
Mary was grateful that Sunday morning as she and Robin drove off to church. She had been set free in so many ways lately. As she drove along considering the early morning readings she felt a warmth and reassurance for indeed, God had enlarged her space and relieved her distress of these last months and days.

The Breakthrough

For quite a few months Mary had been diligently watching her funds, taking no chances in overspending by keeping to the four walls of her house, and attempting to preserve their financial status. However, the more Mary did this the more their money seemed to slip away from them.
It was on a shopping trip one day with another Christian friend that the breakthrough came. Oh, it was not the kind you think, dear reader. Nor was there any great windfall from heaven – at least not from a monetary view. But what did come was a revelation worth its weight in gold!
It was during a discussion regarding a financial advisor both women knew that the truth came out. Mary’s friend had been listening to this speaker at night on the radio. However, as she shared with Mary, it was revealed that her friend grew more and more frightened from what the speaker dictated. There was a panic developing inside and a fear. The more Mary’s friend listened to this show the more she grew concerned about every penny she spent.
Mary sat listening in the car that day to her friend with her mouth open and her eyes widening in recognition. She, too, had felt this way. She, too, had become paranoid over her spending. In that conversation Mary recognized God had spoken to her heart in a whisper lately about what she had been doing. God had queried Mary as to what He had done in the past. Mary knew God had supplied her need over and over again during most of the years of her Christian life. But when she heard the question Mary thought she was to perhaps reflect on God’s reliance that He would indeed supply her needs in the future as He had done during all her history.
However, when Mary’s friend began to reveal her own fear that was beginning to sink into her soul after listening to this money man Mary saw something else. She recognized God wanted Mary to reflect on God’s goodness in her past life to help her dismiss the fear that had also taken root in her life.
This fear had been subtle at first starting with concern over keeping to a budget. Then the concern turned to preoccupation with not only their resources but their spending. Finally, the obsession had become full blown so Mary was no longer seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. Rather the fear lead to negative conclusions on her and Robin’s financial existence. It lead to this point in her history where she began to think they would lose their house, have to move, and on and on the torment went.
The mercy and grace of God that day in the car revealed Mary’s heart of fear. Mary repented almost immediately. The day out with a Christian friend had turned into a freedom from bondage. It was exhilarating and freeing to find herself delivered of this yoke.
As Mary drove away from dropping off her friend at home that day Mary felt the fear dissolve replaced by joy and peace. Mary was so grateful that God had broken through that day to speak His truth and love into her heart. The more Mary reflected on it the more God revealed how He had supplied her needs in her life and it was not because Mary froze up in fear, became obsessed with budgeting and stopped living. Rather Mary recognized her faith and steps of faith had pleased God because it was often times when Mary had very little that she took huge steps of faith financially in her walk with God.
She recalled all those years having a business in Toronto. She had a $6,000 overdraft which she used constantly to its limit. She didn’t bury her “talents” but used every penny. Mary knew this had pleased God though it had troubled her ex-husband that she had taken such risks. He had been too much like her neighbour.
Mary’s neighbour’s name was Wally. He was the carpet guy who rented the building next to her on a commercial strip in Toronto. Wally had a large overdraft, too, which he never used. Wally sat in his store day after day but never took any steps up faith to increase his stock. His business was not prosperous and he barely had his needs met. There was nothing in the store that showed prosperity or excitement about what he did. Wally was always sitting, smoking and waiting until someone came in to his store. After they would leave he would always complain about the customer. It was always the customer’s fault that they didn’t buy. It had nothing to do with Wally’s attitude or the way he presented his business. No, it was always the other person’s fault.
The way Wally ran his business had been a huge lesson to Mary. Witnessing his fear and how it ran his life Mary had been determined to run her business in quite a different manner and in fact, she did. In a time when the interest rates were almost 22% Mary filled her gift store with beautiful things and treasures every woman loved. Perhaps it was because the times were hard when most people needed a little comforting that she sold so many things or perhaps it was the attitude of her heart. No matter the economy Mary always did well because her positive attitude and trust in God showed.
Now as Mary reflected on her past she saw how her faith in God had been a blessing. Mary had been hearing lately in her heart of hearts that without faith it is impossible to believe God. This did not mean Mary was to become reckless in her spending but over and above everything Mary was to live her life for God and His kingdom, trust Him, and walk in faith. Her heart’s desire that day in prayer a week or so ago had been to bring God glory no matter what her life was like.
This breakthrough that seemed to come on the wings of this prayer changed things dramatically for the way Mary felt and acted. In fact, the drive inside her to move left Mary completely. She realized that perhaps buying the cottage and then thinking about moving to Windsor were attempts to escape the fear she had felt possess her soul. A great calm came over Mary. She was delivered!
The following morning as Mary began her day with prayer she read in scripture how Abraham and Sarah had waited until they were in their old age to have their promised Son, Isaac. They had waited and waited year after year until Sarah finally heard that next year at this time she would have a child she laughed. It must have seemed absurd to a woman in her 80’s that she would bear a child. But she did.
However, her life had been one of wait. Mary reflected on this drama, how it played out, and realized sometimes we need to be prepared to wait on God. Mary had never asked God “when” they would move to Windsor. Nor did Mary ask God “when” He would restore the years the locust has stolen from her financially as well as career wise. Out of this morning reflection Mary came away realizing the “when” of all her dreams may not be now at all. Mary believed God had a perfect timing and when He was ready He would move. Mary did not know when that was going to be and she knew God was not in the business of sharing when in the future things would happen. So Mary would trust and wait.
For now she was delighted and felt delivered of a bondage to preoccupation with her spending. She had been released. Today was a new day. Who knew what the future held or when things would transpire. The important thing was to live now, serve God, and love Him with her whole heart, soul, and mind and love her neighbour as herself. With a silent prayer that morning Mary started her day anxious to see God’s face in all those around her and the need presented there.

Rolling Along!

The next week began with a little redecorating; Mary and Robin had put up the Christmas tree. It was important, Mary felt, that life go on despite no movement on the sale of the house. No one had even looked at it for at least a month and half. So Mary had decided to deck the halls with all the trimmings. Along with this Mary had washed some of the curtains in the downstairs bedroom and re hung them in the dining room where they added a lot of Christmas pizzazz to the room because the curtains were a bright red and just looked so festive. The bedroom curtains were replaced with some pretty blue check valances Mary had purchased at a garage sale for the cottage. Since they weren’t moving there Mary dug them out to add some crisp freshness to this little bedroom. They went very well and complimented the other blue check pillows and bed skirt Mary already had in that room.
The third thing that happened was a large pine buffet and hutch Mary had in her possession since Toronto finally sold on Kijiji. Mary had emptied the cabinets of their contents months ago so they were just sitting there taking up space. Once the cabinets were gone it left the dining room looking much bigger. Mary was glad for the $300 from this sale. She was going to deposit the money in the bank to help pay her visa bill.
During this time the message that kept repeating itself to Mary was to trust in God with all her heart. She was not to lean on her own understanding but in all her ways acknowledge God and He would direct her path. Further the message was to commit her way to the Lord and trust him, or as one translation put it to “roll upon Jehovah your way, trust upon him and he worketh”. “Trust, trust, trust”, that was part of the message. But Mary felt she was not only to trust but seek God’s wisdom at a time when she wasn’t certain what the next move was. Oh yes, they heard they were to move to Windsor but doubts had begun to crawl in suggesting maybe she had once again drawn her own conclusions from what she read. Mary felt she was at her “wits end”. The more reason to trust God and seek His wisdom, Mary told herself.
And Mary was trusting God, wasn’t she? No doubt she was as she was living in the moment and doing what was at hand to do and waiting daily for direction. Each day came and each day went. What tomorrow would bring she didn’t know – today had enough worries of its own. As for this house and the sale of it and the purchase of another one in Windsor: what of it? She didn’t know and had decided to roll all these cares and her ways onto God, as God directed her to do and just trust Him for the next step. There was nothing more to say for the moment but to live in it and wait. And so she did.

All Is Well

She was beginning to get it. God’s message was clear. The week had been one of rest and retreat from the world. The only time she had gone out was with Carolyn to a local church. There was an hour during the day when the sanctuary was open for those who wished to pray. Mary and Carolyn had gone.
It had been an answer to prayer that morning because Mary felt she wanted to be closer to God but the distractions of home prevented her from this goal. This particular Wednesday Mary had phoned Carolyn in error. She had dialled Carolyn’s number by mistake – at least that is what she thought at first. However, when the day was done and Mary looked back at it she realized God orchestrated the event. There were no signs and wonders during her prayer time that noon hour at the church. The only thing special was a feeling of closer intimacy with God.
What was coming that week seemed to be the recognition that God was in control. God gave and took away, God made rich and God made poor as Robin Mark said in his song “All is well”. Mary sang along morning after morning “all is well with my soul”. Was she getting to the place that all was well with her soul? Perhaps, but more importantly Mary was beginning to see that God could give but He also took away.
Hadn’t she been learning that through the financial situation they were in? It seemed since before Thanksgiving no matter how hard she tried to keep within her budget something came up to force her to use her visa. First, it was Bernie’s operation, then the new kittens neutering, and now just this week Molly, their Jack Russell needed to go to the veterinarian. She had been limping around for a couple of days after chewing and itching her four feet. It looked like she had allergies.
However, when they got to the vet it turned out she had not only allergies but one of her pads was raw from where the dog had been chewing on it. The doctor said she had possibly a callous or blister she had opened. Mary was amazed at that because she herself had been limping around suffering with a callous on the bottom of her foot as well as a bunion. Was Molly’s condition just a reflection of Mary’s? Who knew. At any rate Mary felt not only physical pain but an certain amount of angst at not being able to do her walking anymore.
Mary began to take authority over her sore foot. She spoke in to the spiritual realm some scriptures promising that “by Jesus stripes we are healed”. However, as the week progressed she began to see that perhaps God was sending a message. He was God; to God belonged the glory, honour, and praise. As it said in Romans 11:36 (NLT): “Everything comes from Him; everything exists by His power and is intended for his glory”. The scriptures spoke to Mary: everything was meant to be for God’s His glory. Had everything she had done been for God’s glory? In her prayer that day at the church she asked God to give her the grace so that whether she did nothing but stay at home or if he put her back in the work force that she would do everything for God’s glory.
“God giveth and God taketh away”, thought Mary. “You are in control, Lord “she continued,” and all power and glory are yours, for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory,” she finished. Mary had come into a place of rest that week to hear from God. Out of His grace and mercy He had brought her into His presence to remind Mary that He was God and He gave and took away.
Finally, on the Thursday morning the words of scripture that had been whispered to Mary over and over that week were life. “By grace she was saved through faith and not by works”, she had heard. It fit in with the message that had come her way. God was God and He who foreknew her, predestined her, called her, justified her would also glorify her. Mary had little to do with her salvation and her calling. God was speaking loud and clear that week. It had humbled Mary. As God spoke to her heart Mary recognized that God humbled and He exalted. Mary so desired to be content in all things, as St Paul had wrote, so no matter how long God kept her in this place she was in she would learn this lesson.
Mary considered Moses who had been in Midian for fourty years before hearing God speak in the burning bush and calling him to his ministry to lead out the Israelites from Egypt. “He must have learned contentment waiting for his call,” Mary told herself. All in all Mary knew his call had come because God’s plan for Moses’ life was set in stone before he was born. So was hers, she thought to herself. She must learn to be content in all things. God was God and could do what He wanted. Hadn’t He been showing her that this week? Whatever would transpire in Mary’s life whether it would riches or poverty, position or de-positioning, she heard God say all came from Him, everything was for His glory and it was by His grace alone, through faith, she was saved.
Mary read that morning from Streams in the Desert:

The pressure of hard places makes us value life. Every time our life is given back to us from such a trial, it is like a new beginning, and we learn better how much it is worth, and make more of it for God and man.

Mary wanted the lesson of this time to last. She knew in her heart of hearts she wanted her life to be lived out for God’s glory and not her own. She couldn’t even do that, though, she realized, without God’s grace and mercy. She could not rely on herself only on God to do this. God alone could and would bring her through the hard place of this financial situation. No matter what happened, she would trust and believe: all was well with her soul, all was well!

Enlightenment

Despite the encouragement she had received the last few days Mary found herself a bit depressed. It was still not settled in her soul whether or not she and Robin were to move to Windsor. The words of the visiting evangelist at church on Sunday kept ringing in her ears repeating themselves that: “the manifestation of God, the glory of God, was going to be seen in Windsor”. It was like a voice whispering and calling her to go to Windsor.
It was during prayer time the next day she read the sweet comfort of Deuteronomy 33:27 that “the eternal God is our refuge and dwelling place, and underneath us are the everlasting arms; he drives out the enemy before us.” Added to this notion of God as the dwelling place or home came the words of John that “God is light and in him there is no darkness at all”. Mary was certainly in the dark about what to do. She reminded herself of another passage of John that said He was “the true light that enlightened everyone.”
She certainly needed direction this morning and felt God did speak through a passage of scripture in Joshua where she was reading. She had come to the passage in chapter 18 where Joshua rebuked seven tribes of the Israelites. They had conquered the Promised Land but had slacked off and not taken possession of it. Joshua ordered the people to go in and survey the land, map it into seven sections and he would draw lots to see who got what.
Mary was so excited when she read this because she realized perhaps her and Robin’s answer was here in the text. Perhaps they needed to be more specific about where they wanted to move to. Perhaps they, too, had to go in and survey the land, map it and draw lots to see which area in particular in Windsor God wanted them to move to.
Mary couldn’t wait to share this with Robin on the way into work during their prayer time. That ride into work proved a bit nerve wracking to begin with as a thick fog covered the fields and trees as they drove along. “This is the thickest fog I think I have ever seen”, Mary said to Robin. She didn’t want him to see how edgy it was making her feel so she focused on prayer and the new revelation from scripture.
Robin was not only agreeable to casting lots but felt in his heart that one area stood out: Parent Street and Howard. Mary was familiar with Howard but didn’t know of Parent. She would have to check it out on a map. As they shared and prayed about this decision to cast lots about where they should relocate to a wonderful sight caught Mary and Robin’s attention: it was an awesome scene.
You see, as they drove towards Windsor, the sun came through just a little and before them the foggy mist that had been so dark even through headlights took on a glow. It is hard to explain but as they meandered along, off to their left, it was like a flashlight from heaven shone down through the fog. It seemed to create a beam of light only in one slim column of the mist. It lightened up that stretch of Walker Road almost all the way to Windsor.
And in her head Mary was reminded of the passage that “signs and wonders follow”. The key word there was “follow”. This light in the fog was a sign. It followed the direction Mary felt God was taking them to – somewhere in Windsor. That somewhere He would show them.
Mary found a new hope and excitement rise up inside her at the revelation and sign. After driving Robin to work she stopped on Howard to pick up a bird house she had seen that someone had thrown out. It was too good to pass up.
Looking at the little wooden bird house suddenly made Mary laugh! It wasn’t just a bird house, but a home! She smiled when she thought of that and laughed heartily when she thought of her husband’s name, Robin. “Its Robin’s house,” Mary remarked to herself and added” How delightful is that?”
It, too, seemed to be a sign pointing towards them finding a new habitat. What began as a rather dismal depressing day turned into a day of rejoicing. Mary didn’t know where it would lead but found it very exciting. She couldn’t wait for her and Robin to check out the different areas of Windsor, map them out and draw lots to see which area God was directing them to. How intimate was that with both her husband and God? She couldn’t wait. A new day had dawned and a new home somewhere down the road – in Windsor- awaited them.

The Message is Reinforced

The following day Mary found herself working in the kitchen for the most part of the morning. She had cooked all the pumpkins and now was making up a recipe of chocolate cake and pumpkin that her Pastor had suggested was good to help her be regular. She made enough from one jar to make 12 small muffins, 8 large muffins tops, and a muffin cake in the shape of a cross. The later she was sending off with Robin to give to the pastors and staff for a snack.
Needless to say Mary found herself covered in chocolate and feeling high from the sugary residue she had ingested. At lunch she had stopped to pick a few things up at the grocery store and spent her last 15 dollars. It was nice to find a free shopping cart someone had abandoned. This always pleased Mary because it was like getting 25cents off her purchase. Sometimes she found as many as three carts left waiting in the parking lot and she would march them all back to their rightful place and retrieve the 75 cents change for an even more enjoyable moment.
However, today Mary was even more blessed because when she came outside to put her cart back in the stall she noticed a $10 bill sitting on the sale sheet in her cart that someone else had left behind. She hadn’t noticed it sitting there all while she shopped! Mary couldn’t believe her eyes. Boy, was that a delight and a gift from God. It was more proof to Mary that God’s anointing and blessing were on her life and time as it stood right now.
Further delightful evidence came when Robin handed Mary over $5 and change she had told him to keep when he had gone to the store last week for her. Mary had felt sorry for the poor guy at the time because he never took any cash for himself. It wasn’t much but she thought it might afford him the opportunity to buy himself and someone else a coffee someday. But here he was giving her back this money. However, it only reinforced the message God was trying to get across: that her assignment and anointing were in this house. Mary was grateful for these blessings because they encouraged her to go on. She wasn’t to look elsewhere but be satisfied with where she was right now.
God would supply their financial needs just as he had done now. She had spent $15 but between the found money in the cart and Robin’s gift she now had back the money she had started out with! God was amazing. What else was He going to do? Mary didn’t know but she would wait and see. God wasn’t finished with her yet!

Power is in This House

It dawned on Mary that happiness could be experienced here and now and not in a new house somewhere else. Happiness was not only something to be grasped later on- in a heavenly home. It could be here and now because she was the temple of the Holy Spirit – His home and His house! Sunday morning this idea came upon her. She and Robin had prayed on the way to church for continued direction about buying a house in Windsor. Then when they got to church she listened to the visiting evangelist who kept repeating “Jesus is in the house”. The speaker was referring to Mark chapter 2. Jesus was staying in a house in Capernaum. It was so packed with visitors there was no more room for even one more person. Then four men carrying a paralyzed man made a hole in the clay roof above Jesus and lowered the paralyzed man down through the hole.
As Mary listened to the sermon the speaker suggested that the “manifestation of God, the glory of God was going to be seen in Windsor”. His message went on to indicate that “Jesus commands a blessing when we come together”. Mary knew the church was also God’s house. So Mary became a little confused about which house God was indicating. However, the one thing that caught Mary’s attention was the minister’s thoughts that “sometimes Jesus is somewhere but we are not where He is – in the house”. It was no clearer when he said: the power of God is in the house. “Which house?” Mary heard herself whisper. “Perhaps both”, came back the logical answer.
Then the very next morning as Mary was cutting up and cooking some pumpkin she listened to a man on the radio speak on power. He spoke on God’s Power and its presence when you walk in your assignment. It was a wonderful message which indicated that the anointing and the power of God comes upon us as we carry out our assignment. Our assignment is to turn people’s hearts to Christ. However, the minister also indicated that Satan would try to draw you away from God’s call. Mary asked herself:” Was that what all these months of wanting to buy a house somewhere else was all about: Satan’s drawing me away from my assignment?”
Mary’s question was interrupted by the speaker who then suggested that God’s power and anointing were only available for God’s purpose. These last months, Mary felt she had done the right thing in closing down shop and cleaning out the house of “things” and getting ready to move. Though they hadn’t sold the house it was clean and free of many idols. Was God’s anointing on this? She wasn’t sure.
However, the last few days she had begun to realize she needed to surrender all her hopes and dreams. In doing so she felt freer and felt the blessings of God and His anointing on her daily routine. Why just this morning hadn’t she found these four untouched pumpkins on her drive home from Windsor? Wasn’t that a blessing since she had been praying for some to make up muffins? And what about the four pretty chair pads she had picked up from the side of the road, the ones she almost passed by: weren’t they a blessing?
She looked at the dining room chairs where the pads now sat. They were the perfect colour and style for that room. Perhaps this was all confirmation of the conclusion Mary had drawn from the last few days that: the Power of God and his anointing was in this house. Yes, it was!
Further, Mary had been learning that God disciplines and corrects His children that He loves. This later message encouraged Mary that the difficulties with finances were all part and parcel of God's discipline in Mary and Robin’s life. It was all meant to draw them closer to God through prayer. Certainly, it was doing that individually as well as a couple.
If God’s power was in this house then, Mary told herself, she would surrender her solution to changing their financial situation by moving. God may move them on but not until he was finished doing what he was working on in their lives right now. That guest speaker at church on Sunday insinuated that “Jesus has priorities and takes care of his own concerns first.”
Later that morning a minister’s simple comment “Occupy until He comes” seemed to confirm this notion. Mary would inhabit this dwelling, this home until God came and keep busy with the talents God gave her. God wasn’t ready for them to move yet; not to a cottage and not to Windsor. All their persistent praying had paid off: Mary and Robin were to stay put in this house and use the talents God gave them. The power was in this house, nowhere else. Mary dug here heels down mentally. She would stay put content that she was doing God’s will.

Happiness

It had been a rough week for Mary and Robin. Besides her husband getting sick with some intestinal virus Mary, herself, had to take an honest look at herself. In prayer, during the week her friend, Dana, had dealt with a “familiar spirit” which attached itself to Mary when her mother died. The name of the spirit was Jezebel! Mary had looked at it, admitted it, and confessed her sin to God. After reading up on it Mary recognized in herself the rebellious spirit towards authority it spoke of and saw its need for power and control at work in her. Further she saw the manipulation for control in her life which was common with this demon. She had seen it in her mother. When her mother died this spirit had attached itself to Mary.
But the curse had been broken. Mary was free. However, she could see that this spirit perhaps had been busy trying to get its own way in regards to buying the cottage. You see Jezebel served Baal who was a god of self-will and self-want. As she uncovered all these truths Mary wondered if there was any good in her. She knew better however, and trusted that God used everything that was happening to show her just who and what were at play.
One thing Mary knew was that the desire for the cottage (despite it being a selfish desire) had drawn her and Robin to God in prayer. God had answered in his own way: the money spent on Bernie seemed to be God’s signal not do go forward with the purchase of the cottage. They couldn’t afford it now.
On a beautiful Monday afternoon after this revelation Mary drove down to the cottage and sat for a few brief minutes and surrendered it over to God and cast the care of it all on God’s shoulders. Mary shared it with Robin later. On the following morning during their time of prayer Mary and Robin pressed in on God once more for further direction.
Later that day Mary listened to Charles Stanley on the radio. Mary was delighted to hear that his topic concerned “the desires of the heart”. He shared that sometimes we can manipulate things to get the desires of our heart but if they are not God’s will we will suffer disappointment, loss, and sorrow.
Mary had been through that once before while living in Toronto. She had opened a business without God’s approval. It had only lasted a year! She suffered financially as it was not the right timing. Further, she lost her best friend in the process. That was another whole story in itself but needless to say Mary knew exactly what it was to get her own way and had suffered the consequences.
Now she felt better that she did not get her own way regarding the cottage. She knew God put desires in our hearts but they didn’t always look the way we thought they did. Our vision was faulty like the time she had a vision for a dog. In her vision Mary had seen short fat stocky legs and a black spot above the eye of an otherwise all white dog. She assumed it meant she was going to get a Bull Terrier. However, when the time came and the dream came true it was a Jack Russell that her mother dropped into her arms!
This contented Mary's heart that the cottage was not to be. However, perhaps it meant they were still to move but to Windsor. Mary didn’t know. All she knew was she must take everything to God in prayer. She had surrendered the cottage over and realized she wasn’t even sure what she wanted. Charles Stanley made Mary recognize she needed to ask herself what she really wanted. Mary knew her answer: she wanted to be happy. Mary asked herself: Didn’t God want her to be happy? Why of course,” she answered herself. “
Mary decided to follow Psalm 37’s command to delight herself in the Lord and let him give her the desires of her heart. She would commit her way to Him, trust Him, and let Him act and help her! She was tired of holding on to this, trying to figure it all out, and do something about it. Hadn’t she just heard that sometimes God doesn’t answer prayer because we still have something to learn in the situation we are in? She had. So Mary was determined to let go and let God. She was too tired anyways. This later thought made Mary smile as she looked down upon the scripture passage from Psalm 37. Verse seven leapt off the page: “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him” .Even more exciting was the promise of verse 9 that those who hoped in the Lord would “possess the land”!
Mary didn’t want to imagine anything about what that meant but she knew God loved her and had the best possible future for her if she would trust and hope in Him. It was getting too close to dinner time to fantasize anyways. The drive to Windsor to pick up Robin awaited her. Mary closed her Bible and left her meditations behind.
Later that day, much later, in the evening, in fact, she was listening to a song “When All is Said and Done” being sung by Robin Mark. She realized that the lyrics were speaking to her heart. Mary had been living for so long for herself and tonight she wanted nothing more than to gain back all the lost time she had wasted on herself and do it over. But that was not to be. She also longed for the happiness she was beginning to realize would only be found in God. She had felt it once long ago this evasive remedy to all of life’s woes.
It was on a road she often walked to school in Toronto. She had made her Confirmation that day and was journeying along upon a cloud of happiness. She never felt such joy or intimacy with God. In fact, she had never felt that way before. There were others Mary had known who felt God’s presence at a much younger age than she had. Mary thought to herself: “Perhaps my life would have been different if I would have known His presence at an earlier age.” But Mary realized that because her life had been so full of troubles that this possibility was distanced from reality by grief. As she sat listening to the music she recognized that when all was said and done the happiness she so desired in life was not in things, not in houses but in doing His will.
Nor was true happiness here on earth. And as the song played on she heard “You have shown me heaven’s my true home”. Yes, yes, this was it: heaven was her true home and the happiness she sought was there! Hadn’t her Jesus recently whispered in soft gentle words: that He went ahead to prepare a place for her and that His Father’s house had many mansions? Yes, He had.
All the desires of her heart were real but like her vision of her first dog they were a bit faulty and influenced by her flesh. “Oh, this lust of the flesh!” Mary cried to no one in particular. But it was a disgust that was short lived as Mary acknowledged that she was only human. Her salvation was being worked out even through this. Yet she knew that there would always be this battle of her flesh and spirit. Little by little her disgust of her old self was growing as God was creating this clean heart within her cleansing her of all her idols. She wanted to be rid of self altogether to serve God alone.
Yet, no matter what, Mary knew this one thing: life was only the journey to her heart’s desire: the home that awaited her on the other side. That is where true happiness was – with Him. Perhaps the elusive happiness she had been searching for in things, houses, and what have you was waiting for her someday. It was not here. And then suddenly Mary became aware of how she was feeling: she was happy and at peace! In that moment of truth Mary felt once again the gentle warmth of His sweet love as she had that day on the road so many years ago. Mary smiled to herself touched by His presence a foretaste of the future for the best was yet to come.
Even as she thought these thoughts another Robin Mark song entitled Soul’s Desire played and its lyrics spoke truth into the moment about her own life:
“I was wandering all my days from my Father’s House ... Love was calling out to me just to bring me home”
Mary had been wandering from Her Father searching for love “in all the wrong places”. Yes, it was true the best was yet to come but even now she could experience the bliss of His presence...even now she could experience happiness – in the presence of His love.