The following morning Mary opened to Spurgeon’s morning thoughts and laughed a hearty laugh. God was so funny at times. Spurgeon began his thoughts for the day with “Do you not feel in your own soul that perfection is not in you? Does not every day teach you that? Every tear which trickles from your eye, weeps “imperfection”; every harsh word which proceeds from your lip, mutters “imperfection. (January28th)”
How timely was that? Mary knew she wasn’t perfect. No one was. What the reading indicated was that despite how we see ourselves we are complete in Christ, perfect in Him and accepted in the Beloved. What treasured words of reassurance to Mary. More were the promises that someday we would be presented faultless before the throne. The idea helped console Mary a bit. Just the fact that the passage spoke so closely to her present dilemma reassured her God was present in all this. It wouldn’t happen all over night but someday we would be perfect.
Mary read from Colossians the words that brought hope to her heart that she was “reconciled… by Christ’s physical body through death to present [her] holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation- if [she] continue in [her] faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel” (1v22,23).
Mary pondered over the words written there especially the thought that she was presentable, holy in God’s sight, and without blemish. Mary could see so much wrong with herself. But God didn’t see her that way, but saw only what Jesus had done through His death. Further, besides being holy and without blemish she was” free from accusation” or as another translation indicated she was standing before God “without a single fault” or “faultless”. The secret was not to drift away from this reassurance and hope held out in the Gospel. Mary thought about what was written here and the fact that though she felt alienated by her thoughts Jesus had reconciled her through his body. She was now holy, faultless and irreproachable in God’s presence. There was no condemnation coming from God. Mary felt happier now despite all her trespasses. She could go on.
Despite this wonderful little encouragement Mary felt her week of fasting had been a failure. The only thing Mary had managed to do was realize she could screw up real easy by herself. She had prayed off and on during the fast but not as much as she knew she should. Here it was Friday night and the fast was almost over and all she had accomplished was to fall flat on her face in her eating, spending, and even drinking.
However, God had encouraged her by reminding Mary of her good standing with God because of what Jesus had done. Two other things happened that added to Mary’s renewed since of hope. The first one involved her husband Robin. Though Mary felt she had overspent recently her husband, Robin, had cheered her up the morning after her fretting over her spending.
It had been on the drive into work the next day when Robin had brought up the subject of the guitar. One of the Pastors was going to tune it for him. That was a good thing in itself because it meant time spent with another man and that was good for Robin. He needed a male friend. Robin was excited about that. Even more interesting was the fact that Robin shared that recently he had been getting all these songs going through his head!
Mary had laughed to herself at how God could speak when he wanted to. God used Robin’s words to encourage Mary that maybe her spending was alright. Maybe it was a good thing. Perhaps her husband Robin would grow and develop his long lost interest in music. Heck, he needed something, mused Mary, as his whole life seemed to evolve around her and his computer.
The other incident that had given Mary a boost was when she sat down at her own computer and read an email sent by a friend. Her friend just wanted to share a Joel Olsten commentary from the day. Mary had to laugh when she got to the end of it. It spoke into her heart of discouragement.
Joel had written:
Sometimes, it's easy to get discouraged when things don't go your way. Maybe you aren't getting out of debt as fast as you wanted. Or you're experiencing some challenges in your health or relationships. We have to be careful not to put God in a box by thinking that just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it isn't going to happen. Remember, we serve a supernatural God. When we believe, all things become possible!
The first step is to quit trying to figure everything out. There may not be a way in the natural, but that's okay. God can do what men can't do. Think about the children of Israel. When they left Egypt, there were two million of them. Then, Pharaoh came chasing after them, and when they came to a dead end at the Red Sea, it looked like it was over. They couldn't see a way out. But that didn't mean there wasn't a way. God simply parted the Red Sea and they went through on dry ground.
Remember, if it looks like there is no way in the natural, trust God to make a way. He'll part the waters if He has to! He'll do WHATEVER it takes to lead and guide you in the path of victory that He has prepared for you!
Mary had picked up on those last words that God would do “whatever” it takes. That was one of the questions God had presented her with in dealing with her healing: would she let God do “whatever” it took. As well, that passage referred to, from Exodus, was, coincidentally, the one Mary had been reading just today! How awesome, that was, Mary thought to herself.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Mary felt reassured that God was speaking. She knew it was up to God and not totally dependent on how well she kept her fast. “Thank you, Lord,” Mary called up to the heavenlies. Though nothing felt like it had changed as far as her weight or a healing Mary had a new hope that God was busy on her behalf. She felt lighter already!
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Three Evils
Mary sat, heavy at heart, before her computer. It was still night, for all intents and purposes. It was 4.05am. She had arisen at 3.36pm and sat crying and lamenting her behavior of these last days. There had been a silence from God after he had presented Mary with his two questions: Was she willing to let God do whatever it took? Did she even want healing?
She had said “yes” to both questions. She realized she could go on no longer yo-yoing back and forth like she was eating healthy for a while and then falling into the pit of despair after giving into her appetite. Of late, she recognized her unruly appetite included eating, spending and drinking. Give her a chocolate and she ate it. Give her a visa and she would reach its limit! Give her a bottle and she would polish it off.
And here she sat, this very night sitting in disgust at herself at having accomplished the feat of doing all three in one day! It had begun innocent enough. Mary had been delighted a few days earlier when her pastor had called for a time of fast and prayer. She was exhilarated because grace had always come to help her get back up off the addiction wagon where she had fallen off of. Grace had come and since Sunday she had felt good about avoiding those sweets that were her downfall. Actually, she had gone into withdrawal and been suffering with headaches during the day. However, at night she slept much better not being tormented by the sugar highs that left her body in sweats, tossing and turning and throwing the blankets off. As well, the sugar had tended to make her hands go numb and her fingers tingled; like it did last night.
Yes, Mary was not proud of it but greatly discouraged and disappointed in herself and very ashamed at herself. For three days she had done so well. Then Mary began to plan for Robin’s birthday which was on Wednesday. She made spare ribs and shrimp with fries. To make him feel real special she made a triple layer vanilla cake with vanilla pudding between the layers and vanilla icing on top. Oh, it was a beautiful cake.
In all this planning and celebration Mary spent more than she wanted to. Besides all her other spending lately she had bought Robin a guitar because she knew he needed something right now. He seemed to have the computer and his work. She knew he had played as a child and played by ear. Not everyone had that natural gift. Mary was not musically inclined. She admired anyone who was blessed with this gift. So she had spent the extra money so easily. The Visa card she had gotten again after a year of abstinence was steadily climbing to its maximum; as was the MasterCard. She kept telling herself: “what was one more purchase?”
What was one more purchase, or one more piece of cake? Each one steadily added to her fears of where this was all heading. Then when Robin had come home for his birthday dinner he had mentioned getting some wine. Mary had obediently gone to the liquor store and picked up a bottle of their favorite wine. They hadn’t had it for a long time. They had this wine at their wedding 7 years ago.
Dinner had been delicious, the rich dessert had been scrumptious and the wine had settled nicely leaving Mary warm all over. After dinner Mary went for a walk with their two dogs. It was a cold bitter night and a light snow was whipping across the street whirling around the new light posts that loomed up high above her like silent guards watching the night events.
Mary was just rounding the bend of the block when she met two local townspeople. They went to a local church which Mary had visited a few times. She talked to them daily during the summer when she walked her dogs by their house. They sat quietly on their porch smiling and cheery. The husband, Ron, often held their grey tabby cat on his lap. It was 15 years old.
Because of winter Mary hadn’t see much of either Ron or Josie. However, just today, Tim, at the Mission, mentioned they had to put their cat down. “Oh, gee” said Mary, “That poor cat was like a child to them”. Mary and Tim had shared a few words about the couple. She liked them both immensely. They were in their 60’s and quiet and good people. They would never harm a fly. Now here they stood before her.
Mary was reminded of their recent loss and said “I heard today that your cat died”. With that Josie lapsed into a long story of her grief. The poor little kitty had cancer. She was bleeding through the nose. Today, they finally made the decision and put her down. Such sadness in their faces revealed their grief. Mary would have walked on but Ron asked for Mary to pray for them both. They weren’t handling it well. Mary graciously agreed and suggested she pray now. She held their hands and, there, on the street, Mary said a short prayer for comfort and grace for the both of them. With a hug and a kiss she left them feeling glad she had met them; that is until later.
You see, once Mary got home she realized the couple might have smelt her breath, might have known she had a drink or two. What if they had? Did she disgrace the name of Jesus; take away from bringing him glory? Did she blacken her own name? Would word get around town about her? Oddly, these people came to the mission and helped out and ate there. So they had the same circle of acquaintances Mary had come to know.
Mary had sat disgusted at herself; not just for eating that rich cake of Robin’s, followed up with potato chips. (It seemed all the good effects of the last few days’ withdrawal were eaten up in this one night!) No, it was not just this addiction but worse the spending she had been doing was getting as out of hand as the eating. On top of these was the drinking. She just shook her head in loathing. Just today at the food bank she was proudly sharing how she never drank unless to help lift her or Robin’s spirit. It was scriptural, you see. Mary’s thoughts plagued her as she had lain in bed tossing and turning until she could stand it no longer.
She had got down on her knees, begun to pray and cry out. Why would God ever use her? What an embarrassment to Him. Mary began to wonder, though, if she wasn’t more worried about her reputation than what God looked like. After all, hadn’t the word she had gotten recently been that she had been self-pitying? Wasn’t self-pity tied up in ego and pride? Weren’t all three vices playing a role right now? Wasn’t this all about self rather than about God?
Mary wasn’t sure anymore and was confused. All she knew was that her life seemed to be out of control in so many areas. How long would this go on? Over the years she had gone on countless diets; even given her word to God. How good was her word!!!???
Then, as Mary sat there listening to a song about “amazing grace” she realized she had to look outside of herself and up to Him from whom all blessings flowed, to Him who was her help and salvation, to Him who had ransomed her and broken her ties of bondage. Mary must trust that God would help her.
Hadn’t it been His help 30 years ago that had delivered her from her drug addiction? “Yes, yes, it had,” Mary said to herself. It seemed so long ago. It had been the desperation of this drug addiction that had drawn Mary into a relationship with her Saviour. It had been the knowing she could not help herself that brought her to her knees back then. It was His mercy and grace that had brought her thus far. How had she forgotten? It used to be a part of her witness but with time it had faded. Had she become too good, built up in her own worthiness and forgotten what God had done? Not she, but He had delivered her. Not she, but He would do it again.
Mary also reminded herself that hadn’t God recently presented her with two questions. Weren’t these two questions indicative that God was willing to and would help Mary? All Mary had to do was say “Yes”. Mary had. Mary smiled to herself. Though painful this might be, perhaps the whole thing was part of the greater plan to heal Mary of these addictions once and for all.
Yes, Mary had to believe and would believe. Though discouraged at herself she knew she served an awesome God. Mary would not lose hope. Her hope was in Him, his unfailing love, and what He could do and not at what Mary attempted to do over and over again and failed miserably.
Though still heavy at heart at her failings, Mary gained strength from the fact that God was at work behind the scenes even today when she had fallen and even looked bad before that couple. “Dear Lord,” she prayed, “dear sweet Lord, “and she fell silent. She had no words, nothing to say. Mary knew it depended on what He was doing. He was doing “whatever” it took.
She had said “yes” to both questions. She realized she could go on no longer yo-yoing back and forth like she was eating healthy for a while and then falling into the pit of despair after giving into her appetite. Of late, she recognized her unruly appetite included eating, spending and drinking. Give her a chocolate and she ate it. Give her a visa and she would reach its limit! Give her a bottle and she would polish it off.
And here she sat, this very night sitting in disgust at herself at having accomplished the feat of doing all three in one day! It had begun innocent enough. Mary had been delighted a few days earlier when her pastor had called for a time of fast and prayer. She was exhilarated because grace had always come to help her get back up off the addiction wagon where she had fallen off of. Grace had come and since Sunday she had felt good about avoiding those sweets that were her downfall. Actually, she had gone into withdrawal and been suffering with headaches during the day. However, at night she slept much better not being tormented by the sugar highs that left her body in sweats, tossing and turning and throwing the blankets off. As well, the sugar had tended to make her hands go numb and her fingers tingled; like it did last night.
Yes, Mary was not proud of it but greatly discouraged and disappointed in herself and very ashamed at herself. For three days she had done so well. Then Mary began to plan for Robin’s birthday which was on Wednesday. She made spare ribs and shrimp with fries. To make him feel real special she made a triple layer vanilla cake with vanilla pudding between the layers and vanilla icing on top. Oh, it was a beautiful cake.
In all this planning and celebration Mary spent more than she wanted to. Besides all her other spending lately she had bought Robin a guitar because she knew he needed something right now. He seemed to have the computer and his work. She knew he had played as a child and played by ear. Not everyone had that natural gift. Mary was not musically inclined. She admired anyone who was blessed with this gift. So she had spent the extra money so easily. The Visa card she had gotten again after a year of abstinence was steadily climbing to its maximum; as was the MasterCard. She kept telling herself: “what was one more purchase?”
What was one more purchase, or one more piece of cake? Each one steadily added to her fears of where this was all heading. Then when Robin had come home for his birthday dinner he had mentioned getting some wine. Mary had obediently gone to the liquor store and picked up a bottle of their favorite wine. They hadn’t had it for a long time. They had this wine at their wedding 7 years ago.
Dinner had been delicious, the rich dessert had been scrumptious and the wine had settled nicely leaving Mary warm all over. After dinner Mary went for a walk with their two dogs. It was a cold bitter night and a light snow was whipping across the street whirling around the new light posts that loomed up high above her like silent guards watching the night events.
Mary was just rounding the bend of the block when she met two local townspeople. They went to a local church which Mary had visited a few times. She talked to them daily during the summer when she walked her dogs by their house. They sat quietly on their porch smiling and cheery. The husband, Ron, often held their grey tabby cat on his lap. It was 15 years old.
Because of winter Mary hadn’t see much of either Ron or Josie. However, just today, Tim, at the Mission, mentioned they had to put their cat down. “Oh, gee” said Mary, “That poor cat was like a child to them”. Mary and Tim had shared a few words about the couple. She liked them both immensely. They were in their 60’s and quiet and good people. They would never harm a fly. Now here they stood before her.
Mary was reminded of their recent loss and said “I heard today that your cat died”. With that Josie lapsed into a long story of her grief. The poor little kitty had cancer. She was bleeding through the nose. Today, they finally made the decision and put her down. Such sadness in their faces revealed their grief. Mary would have walked on but Ron asked for Mary to pray for them both. They weren’t handling it well. Mary graciously agreed and suggested she pray now. She held their hands and, there, on the street, Mary said a short prayer for comfort and grace for the both of them. With a hug and a kiss she left them feeling glad she had met them; that is until later.
You see, once Mary got home she realized the couple might have smelt her breath, might have known she had a drink or two. What if they had? Did she disgrace the name of Jesus; take away from bringing him glory? Did she blacken her own name? Would word get around town about her? Oddly, these people came to the mission and helped out and ate there. So they had the same circle of acquaintances Mary had come to know.
Mary had sat disgusted at herself; not just for eating that rich cake of Robin’s, followed up with potato chips. (It seemed all the good effects of the last few days’ withdrawal were eaten up in this one night!) No, it was not just this addiction but worse the spending she had been doing was getting as out of hand as the eating. On top of these was the drinking. She just shook her head in loathing. Just today at the food bank she was proudly sharing how she never drank unless to help lift her or Robin’s spirit. It was scriptural, you see. Mary’s thoughts plagued her as she had lain in bed tossing and turning until she could stand it no longer.
She had got down on her knees, begun to pray and cry out. Why would God ever use her? What an embarrassment to Him. Mary began to wonder, though, if she wasn’t more worried about her reputation than what God looked like. After all, hadn’t the word she had gotten recently been that she had been self-pitying? Wasn’t self-pity tied up in ego and pride? Weren’t all three vices playing a role right now? Wasn’t this all about self rather than about God?
Mary wasn’t sure anymore and was confused. All she knew was that her life seemed to be out of control in so many areas. How long would this go on? Over the years she had gone on countless diets; even given her word to God. How good was her word!!!???
Then, as Mary sat there listening to a song about “amazing grace” she realized she had to look outside of herself and up to Him from whom all blessings flowed, to Him who was her help and salvation, to Him who had ransomed her and broken her ties of bondage. Mary must trust that God would help her.
Hadn’t it been His help 30 years ago that had delivered her from her drug addiction? “Yes, yes, it had,” Mary said to herself. It seemed so long ago. It had been the desperation of this drug addiction that had drawn Mary into a relationship with her Saviour. It had been the knowing she could not help herself that brought her to her knees back then. It was His mercy and grace that had brought her thus far. How had she forgotten? It used to be a part of her witness but with time it had faded. Had she become too good, built up in her own worthiness and forgotten what God had done? Not she, but He had delivered her. Not she, but He would do it again.
Mary also reminded herself that hadn’t God recently presented her with two questions. Weren’t these two questions indicative that God was willing to and would help Mary? All Mary had to do was say “Yes”. Mary had. Mary smiled to herself. Though painful this might be, perhaps the whole thing was part of the greater plan to heal Mary of these addictions once and for all.
Yes, Mary had to believe and would believe. Though discouraged at herself she knew she served an awesome God. Mary would not lose hope. Her hope was in Him, his unfailing love, and what He could do and not at what Mary attempted to do over and over again and failed miserably.
Though still heavy at heart at her failings, Mary gained strength from the fact that God was at work behind the scenes even today when she had fallen and even looked bad before that couple. “Dear Lord,” she prayed, “dear sweet Lord, “and she fell silent. She had no words, nothing to say. Mary knew it depended on what He was doing. He was doing “whatever” it took.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Two Questions
As Mary lay amidst the bubbles in the bathtub watching her tummy protrude above the water she was reminded of one of the two questions that God had asked her this week. Obviously, the first question revolved around her weight which was steadily getting back up to where it was after only months of dieting. There had been such a brief reprise between her dieting and her compulsive behavior this time that Mary felt desperate.
It was in that desperation Mary heard God ask her “Are you willing to let me do whatever it will take to help you with this weight?” Mary had realized that the “whatever” in that question could be almost anything and was afraid what God might do if she said yes. So she was not willing, as yet, to say “amen” to that. The words kept coming at her each day though every time she looked at her body. Still she made no answer.
The second question seemed to be unrelated to the first but the more Mary thought of them together she realized they might have something to do to each other. For, you see, Mary became aware that weight problems usually have buried root causes. Mary had often wondered if her problems with her ex-husband which were rooted in her father’s abusive behavior had anything to do with her addiction. However, the only thing that prevented Mary from seeing a common relation between the two was the fact that she had done so well with her healing. In fact, she thought she was just fine until this recent explosion of grief and pain when the Pastor had complimented Mary’s husband Robin.
Mary had shared this experience with Diane her friend. Diane being older and wiser tried to tell Mary that she needed to speak out scriptures over the situation, rebuke Satan and tell him to leave, speak in tongues, etc., etc. Mary had left that visit a little miffed feeling she had tried to do all these things.
On her drive home from Diane’s that morning a woman’s words on the radio caught Mary’s attention. The woman had been raped 15 years earlier and still struggled to let it go until God asked her: “Do you want to be healed?” It hit Mary like a bolt of lightning that God may have been asking her the same question. Like the woman, Mary had struggled with anger and bitterness after her 22 years with her ex-husband. Diane and other people talked about being healed and never having a re-occurrence of old wounds. Mary had thought maybe these women hadn’t been as wounded as deeply as she had. She had thought she had done all the right things, gone to four different counselors over the years and that it was “normal” for old issues to come up now and then to cause complications as so recently had happened.
Did Mary want healing? Was she willing to let God do whatever it took for her healing? In Mary’s mind, suddenly it occurred to her these two questions were tied together. Her weight problem had lasted as long as she could remember and she had been crying out more and more especially when the periods between weight loss and weight gain were closer and closer together. Was Mary willing to be healed?
It would mean letting go of control for surely she was , wasn’t she, in her lack of discipline? Surely she was, wasn’t she, with the continued propensity to feel rejection, anger, and hurt with old memories of this first husband? Mary didn’t know but had felt shock inside herself when she thought that she might have been holding on to old wounds out of some self-pitying need. Mary felt a little disgusted at that idea she might still have old triggers to the past because she was unwilling to let go of old grief’s and hurts! Ugh!
Mary had not only recognized that the woman on the radio’s life included an emotional experience much like hers but that the husband God gave her to get through her trauma was a gift- just like Mary’s. For you see, Robin, had come along and walked these last 9 years with Mary holding her hand, calming her, loving her- all without judgment. He had given Mary the love she had never known. God had blessed her with this man.
However, now Mary must decide if she was willing to risk saying “Yes” to God doing whatever he wanted. Mary realized because she had delayed in a response to that question that God was now asking her if she wanted to be healed at all.
Mary got up out of the tub and began to dry herself off. A look in the big mirror reminded Mary of her recent disgust at herself. It was no longer just “looking good” that mattered. Mary was getting older and the weight was affecting her muscles and joints, her sugar levels, and everything Mary could think of. She tugged up the pants that were past the point of feeling comfortable anymore, tried to ignore the pain as she bent over doing it, and sighed a deep sigh.
She turned towards the heavens, lifted her voice, and quietly, in the silence of the early morning whispered, “Yes, I want healing. And yes, to whatever you need to do, Lord, whatever! “Mary did not want to think about the “whatever” part and would have to trust God. And she would. After all, hadn’t He been teaching her about how good He was lately? Hadn’t He been showing her the love of a real Father? As well, hadn’t Robin, in some sense, shown these characteristics in an ever present manner? Yes was the answer that came back. Yes, to all three. “Yes, Lord,” she mumbled, “yes, I will trust and yes, I will accept whatever you bring to make this all happen.”
With that Mary thumped down the stairs feeling so much lighter perhaps, not on her feet, but definitely within her heart!
It was in that desperation Mary heard God ask her “Are you willing to let me do whatever it will take to help you with this weight?” Mary had realized that the “whatever” in that question could be almost anything and was afraid what God might do if she said yes. So she was not willing, as yet, to say “amen” to that. The words kept coming at her each day though every time she looked at her body. Still she made no answer.
The second question seemed to be unrelated to the first but the more Mary thought of them together she realized they might have something to do to each other. For, you see, Mary became aware that weight problems usually have buried root causes. Mary had often wondered if her problems with her ex-husband which were rooted in her father’s abusive behavior had anything to do with her addiction. However, the only thing that prevented Mary from seeing a common relation between the two was the fact that she had done so well with her healing. In fact, she thought she was just fine until this recent explosion of grief and pain when the Pastor had complimented Mary’s husband Robin.
Mary had shared this experience with Diane her friend. Diane being older and wiser tried to tell Mary that she needed to speak out scriptures over the situation, rebuke Satan and tell him to leave, speak in tongues, etc., etc. Mary had left that visit a little miffed feeling she had tried to do all these things.
On her drive home from Diane’s that morning a woman’s words on the radio caught Mary’s attention. The woman had been raped 15 years earlier and still struggled to let it go until God asked her: “Do you want to be healed?” It hit Mary like a bolt of lightning that God may have been asking her the same question. Like the woman, Mary had struggled with anger and bitterness after her 22 years with her ex-husband. Diane and other people talked about being healed and never having a re-occurrence of old wounds. Mary had thought maybe these women hadn’t been as wounded as deeply as she had. She had thought she had done all the right things, gone to four different counselors over the years and that it was “normal” for old issues to come up now and then to cause complications as so recently had happened.
Did Mary want healing? Was she willing to let God do whatever it took for her healing? In Mary’s mind, suddenly it occurred to her these two questions were tied together. Her weight problem had lasted as long as she could remember and she had been crying out more and more especially when the periods between weight loss and weight gain were closer and closer together. Was Mary willing to be healed?
It would mean letting go of control for surely she was , wasn’t she, in her lack of discipline? Surely she was, wasn’t she, with the continued propensity to feel rejection, anger, and hurt with old memories of this first husband? Mary didn’t know but had felt shock inside herself when she thought that she might have been holding on to old wounds out of some self-pitying need. Mary felt a little disgusted at that idea she might still have old triggers to the past because she was unwilling to let go of old grief’s and hurts! Ugh!
Mary had not only recognized that the woman on the radio’s life included an emotional experience much like hers but that the husband God gave her to get through her trauma was a gift- just like Mary’s. For you see, Robin, had come along and walked these last 9 years with Mary holding her hand, calming her, loving her- all without judgment. He had given Mary the love she had never known. God had blessed her with this man.
However, now Mary must decide if she was willing to risk saying “Yes” to God doing whatever he wanted. Mary realized because she had delayed in a response to that question that God was now asking her if she wanted to be healed at all.
Mary got up out of the tub and began to dry herself off. A look in the big mirror reminded Mary of her recent disgust at herself. It was no longer just “looking good” that mattered. Mary was getting older and the weight was affecting her muscles and joints, her sugar levels, and everything Mary could think of. She tugged up the pants that were past the point of feeling comfortable anymore, tried to ignore the pain as she bent over doing it, and sighed a deep sigh.
She turned towards the heavens, lifted her voice, and quietly, in the silence of the early morning whispered, “Yes, I want healing. And yes, to whatever you need to do, Lord, whatever! “Mary did not want to think about the “whatever” part and would have to trust God. And she would. After all, hadn’t He been teaching her about how good He was lately? Hadn’t He been showing her the love of a real Father? As well, hadn’t Robin, in some sense, shown these characteristics in an ever present manner? Yes was the answer that came back. Yes, to all three. “Yes, Lord,” she mumbled, “yes, I will trust and yes, I will accept whatever you bring to make this all happen.”
With that Mary thumped down the stairs feeling so much lighter perhaps, not on her feet, but definitely within her heart!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Peter
She heaved a great sigh having wept deep sobs from her depths that came up and lifted her chest up and down, over and over. It arose from her sorrowful soul, bled dry in the process, until she had nothing left over to cry. The episode began at church, of all places, but she was able to control it until she reached the privacy of home.
What instigated this bout of memory and release? What filled her soul with such heaviness that despite her rebuking spirits and demons she cried on and on? It had nothing to do with her husband and everything, in a way.
It was such a wonderful moment when the Pastor had singled out Robin and praised him for his growth. But the singleness of it was obvious; as if Robin existed alone without anyone who supported and loved him. Mary kept it all in during their visit to Michael’s where she picked up paint and even at the Lowe’s store where they went to browse and dream. Mary was amazed at herself and the control she showed to make it through lunch. However, the drive home proved to be a quiet one. This was easily maintained as all Mary had to do was saying nothing. Robin was not a big talker on the best of days and so Mary could consider all that had transpired at church. Then it suddenly came to her, the old memory, that was suddenly fresh out of her past as if it was yesterday!
Mary went back years and years ago to that day. It was the late 1980’s. She could visualize the room and setting. She could even smell the Cajun chicken cooking in the kitchen. Everything was so beautiful. After months of planning and decorating the new restaurant was complete. Her ex-husband’s tables and chairs were all set up with flowers on each table. The silverware shone and the linen was crisp in its pinks and sea foams. The occasion was opening night. Her husband, Peter, was standing there as proud as could be making a toast. He smiled a big charismatic smile that lit up the room and drew you into him.
Peter had the knack for charming the pants off anyone. His abilities and gifts were many. He was appealing in a million ways. Mary remembered the first night she fell in love with him. They had been dating for a short while and she had him up to her and her mom’s apartment. He was so considerate of her mother that instead of going out he voted for staying in to watch the hockey game. Of course, Mary knew he was killing two birds with one stone. He believed strongly in family but was also a sports nut having been a football and hockey player both.
So here they sat that night on her mom’s couch. Mary was getting a little bored and asked if he wanted a drink. Peter, distracted by the game, gave an affirmative nod. Mary left the room and wandered down the hall to the kitchen to get some Coke. When she came back there was no sign of Peter. This puzzled Mary until she looked out the big front window of the apartment.
There on the sidewalk below, Mary saw this new bow of hers talking to two guys who were arguing. Peter was breaking up a fight! Mary was quite impressed with this and felt warmth in her heart and a new respect for Peter. He came up the stairs and she met him at the door.
“What happened”, she asked. Peter was more interested in getting back to the game on TV then giving out information but muttered something about overhearing the two guys yelling. He just went down to “talk” to them. Mary was amazed at the bravado that must have taken. She would never be that bold!
Mary knew at that moment that she would never have to be afraid of intruders or other people when Peter was around. She needed the comfort and security of that as she had grown up in violence, witnessed it as a young child, until her mother took her and her three siblings out of the situation.
Mary was in love. It was with these loving adoring eyes that she recalled that moment in the restaurant back in the 80’s watching and listening to her ex-husband. He was laughing and smiling and suddenly it got quiet as he lifted his wine glass and began to make his toast. “I want to thank everyone here who has helped with the work that has gone into creating this business. I couldn’t have done it without you all. I especially want to thank one special lady for being here for me, standing behind me, supporting me and helping me out.”
Mary sat quietly, smiling, waiting until her name was mentioned and she could demurely stand up and receive his praise. But, in fact, it never happened. Out of his mouth he had spoken the most painful and ugly words Mary had ever heard: “my mother”.
It made no difference that after some coaching from some wise friends that he stood up and mentioned Mary as an afterthought. Why? The damage was done, was done in fact, long before this moment. It was years of Peter putting his mother and family first that only exacerbated this present moment and the pain that went with it.
Mary had said nothing. She would not allow herself to say anything out of fear. She buried it all deep inside, the hurt and pain. It was down there inside of her in some black hole and had come up like a giant knife piercing her heart once again with this present reminder.
No, the current problem wasn’t about Robin and yet it was all about Robin. For once again, Mary had given her all for a man and had stood behind him, supported him, cared and cooked for him and then what? When it came down to it Mary had given her life for two men. Now she felt what she did for them hadn’t amounted to anything. Mary felt truly bad that she had cried when she came home but didn’t seem to have any control over this deep wound that festered open once again after all these years.
It was now evening. Mary had cried herself to sleep that afternoon, gotten up, been sensible, eaten with her husband, and now sat trying to see how she would deal with it.
She gave it all over to God and in His great mercy, God for his part, was instilling some sense of peace. Yet the ache and emptiness of all Mary’s unappreciated attempts at love went unmet. Her life’s work seemed in vain. Mary had no idea how to handle this or what to do next. All she knew was that what she thought was over was not.
It was times like this that all her years with Peter showed themselves and took their toll on Mary’s life and prevented her for behaving normally. She had many bruises that the physical eye could not see. Yet in every relationship she lived through after Peter, Mary had to deal with this past rejection, his verbal abuse, and his loyalty to mother and family over her.
It was a long story covering a long life she had lived with him. Mary met Peter at 17years of age. She had spent five years dating Peter and was married to him for another twenty two years. When it was over Mary had an identity crisis because she did not know who she was without this man. Nor did she know how to operate without him. She was only use to being called names. Disrespect was the norm. When she met Robin she did not trust him for one second because he was kind and nice. Mary could now sit back in wonder and awe that this second husband had been consistent these last 7 years of marriage and was still as kind and wonderful as ever!
She could not compare him to her first husband. She knew Robin was a gift and praised him often. She was not afraid to share this praise with anyone. Mary was always blowing Robin’s horn. He was a gift from God and she knew it.
Sitting here now she realized it was not Robin’s fault that the Pastor praised him. Nor did the Pastor have any idea of the hurt Mary held deep within her. Despite this knowledge Mary was still reeling from the impact. It would not be settled now or perhaps even tomorrow.
Mary would wait on her God as she always did. He was faithful and in His perfect timing would heal Mary of this old wound that had erupted like a volcano heaving forth from her. She knew He would. He had healed her and held her over the years in His arms when she went to Him with all her little griefs.
Mary would wait, would hold on and pray. Morning was coming.
What instigated this bout of memory and release? What filled her soul with such heaviness that despite her rebuking spirits and demons she cried on and on? It had nothing to do with her husband and everything, in a way.
It was such a wonderful moment when the Pastor had singled out Robin and praised him for his growth. But the singleness of it was obvious; as if Robin existed alone without anyone who supported and loved him. Mary kept it all in during their visit to Michael’s where she picked up paint and even at the Lowe’s store where they went to browse and dream. Mary was amazed at herself and the control she showed to make it through lunch. However, the drive home proved to be a quiet one. This was easily maintained as all Mary had to do was saying nothing. Robin was not a big talker on the best of days and so Mary could consider all that had transpired at church. Then it suddenly came to her, the old memory, that was suddenly fresh out of her past as if it was yesterday!
Mary went back years and years ago to that day. It was the late 1980’s. She could visualize the room and setting. She could even smell the Cajun chicken cooking in the kitchen. Everything was so beautiful. After months of planning and decorating the new restaurant was complete. Her ex-husband’s tables and chairs were all set up with flowers on each table. The silverware shone and the linen was crisp in its pinks and sea foams. The occasion was opening night. Her husband, Peter, was standing there as proud as could be making a toast. He smiled a big charismatic smile that lit up the room and drew you into him.
Peter had the knack for charming the pants off anyone. His abilities and gifts were many. He was appealing in a million ways. Mary remembered the first night she fell in love with him. They had been dating for a short while and she had him up to her and her mom’s apartment. He was so considerate of her mother that instead of going out he voted for staying in to watch the hockey game. Of course, Mary knew he was killing two birds with one stone. He believed strongly in family but was also a sports nut having been a football and hockey player both.
So here they sat that night on her mom’s couch. Mary was getting a little bored and asked if he wanted a drink. Peter, distracted by the game, gave an affirmative nod. Mary left the room and wandered down the hall to the kitchen to get some Coke. When she came back there was no sign of Peter. This puzzled Mary until she looked out the big front window of the apartment.
There on the sidewalk below, Mary saw this new bow of hers talking to two guys who were arguing. Peter was breaking up a fight! Mary was quite impressed with this and felt warmth in her heart and a new respect for Peter. He came up the stairs and she met him at the door.
“What happened”, she asked. Peter was more interested in getting back to the game on TV then giving out information but muttered something about overhearing the two guys yelling. He just went down to “talk” to them. Mary was amazed at the bravado that must have taken. She would never be that bold!
Mary knew at that moment that she would never have to be afraid of intruders or other people when Peter was around. She needed the comfort and security of that as she had grown up in violence, witnessed it as a young child, until her mother took her and her three siblings out of the situation.
Mary was in love. It was with these loving adoring eyes that she recalled that moment in the restaurant back in the 80’s watching and listening to her ex-husband. He was laughing and smiling and suddenly it got quiet as he lifted his wine glass and began to make his toast. “I want to thank everyone here who has helped with the work that has gone into creating this business. I couldn’t have done it without you all. I especially want to thank one special lady for being here for me, standing behind me, supporting me and helping me out.”
Mary sat quietly, smiling, waiting until her name was mentioned and she could demurely stand up and receive his praise. But, in fact, it never happened. Out of his mouth he had spoken the most painful and ugly words Mary had ever heard: “my mother”.
It made no difference that after some coaching from some wise friends that he stood up and mentioned Mary as an afterthought. Why? The damage was done, was done in fact, long before this moment. It was years of Peter putting his mother and family first that only exacerbated this present moment and the pain that went with it.
Mary had said nothing. She would not allow herself to say anything out of fear. She buried it all deep inside, the hurt and pain. It was down there inside of her in some black hole and had come up like a giant knife piercing her heart once again with this present reminder.
No, the current problem wasn’t about Robin and yet it was all about Robin. For once again, Mary had given her all for a man and had stood behind him, supported him, cared and cooked for him and then what? When it came down to it Mary had given her life for two men. Now she felt what she did for them hadn’t amounted to anything. Mary felt truly bad that she had cried when she came home but didn’t seem to have any control over this deep wound that festered open once again after all these years.
It was now evening. Mary had cried herself to sleep that afternoon, gotten up, been sensible, eaten with her husband, and now sat trying to see how she would deal with it.
She gave it all over to God and in His great mercy, God for his part, was instilling some sense of peace. Yet the ache and emptiness of all Mary’s unappreciated attempts at love went unmet. Her life’s work seemed in vain. Mary had no idea how to handle this or what to do next. All she knew was that what she thought was over was not.
It was times like this that all her years with Peter showed themselves and took their toll on Mary’s life and prevented her for behaving normally. She had many bruises that the physical eye could not see. Yet in every relationship she lived through after Peter, Mary had to deal with this past rejection, his verbal abuse, and his loyalty to mother and family over her.
It was a long story covering a long life she had lived with him. Mary met Peter at 17years of age. She had spent five years dating Peter and was married to him for another twenty two years. When it was over Mary had an identity crisis because she did not know who she was without this man. Nor did she know how to operate without him. She was only use to being called names. Disrespect was the norm. When she met Robin she did not trust him for one second because he was kind and nice. Mary could now sit back in wonder and awe that this second husband had been consistent these last 7 years of marriage and was still as kind and wonderful as ever!
She could not compare him to her first husband. She knew Robin was a gift and praised him often. She was not afraid to share this praise with anyone. Mary was always blowing Robin’s horn. He was a gift from God and she knew it.
Sitting here now she realized it was not Robin’s fault that the Pastor praised him. Nor did the Pastor have any idea of the hurt Mary held deep within her. Despite this knowledge Mary was still reeling from the impact. It would not be settled now or perhaps even tomorrow.
Mary would wait on her God as she always did. He was faithful and in His perfect timing would heal Mary of this old wound that had erupted like a volcano heaving forth from her. She knew He would. He had healed her and held her over the years in His arms when she went to Him with all her little griefs.
Mary would wait, would hold on and pray. Morning was coming.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Withering Witch
Mary sat silent. Her reminiscing had stirred up grief within her. Mary had not thought about Hector for a long time but with thoughts of him logically would come memories of her first husband. Not too many people realized what Mary went through.
During those years of abuse she confided in one person, her friend Sharon. Mary, like most people in her situation were secretive about their lives when it came to dealing with anger and aggression from another.
Mary knew, too, it was for self-preservation. Though she had not endured the physical violence many women went through Mary knew full well the dangerous effects of a verbal diatribe on one's soul. Her poem "The Withering Witch" was the momentary response to a wrath that left its mark for the rest of her life. Mary sat back and read over again those words she had written many years ago during one of her ex-husband's episodes.
The Withering Witch
Sitting at the dining room table tears running down spattered cheeks racing to nowhere and coming from the heart where the angry attack on her person verbalized in so many adjectives and outbursts of empty rage that for the moment she can only hold her breath in the pain that swells and blocks her heart from breathing.
And a moment of reality checked by the words that came down heavier than hands could ever blow upon a mortal body hits her into viewing the promises of yesterday made in a moment of hope shattered like bloodied stained glass by mere words.
Harmless sounds but daggers that penetrate the morrow and remind of old wounds healed by time but now pressed into this new laceration exposing a grief beyond any earlier infiltration.
Sitting, smoking a cigarette, alone, in a room with a candle kindled while the glow of her own heart has extinguished in the latest renewed exploit of severing her self-worth and injuring once again any expectation she had of loving the one whom she had for so long loved but for so long had rejected her and all his tirades of hate spitted out at her like water on the witch who withered and died in ruins.
She wonders what will ever change the conditions of his own pained heart for her own kind deeds and expressed loving endearments have only capitulated in her own be-hearting. And through the window as the sun seeks to rise and cast its rays of hope she marks her own existence rising up and greeting the new day with eyes of darkness and dread of the old demon hate being there to meet her in his expression when he appears drained and beaten himself on the new morrow's face.
She had wanted to tell him that first moment his lashes ripped through her skin how it hurt and to stop before so much damage had been done but she stood fixed in space holding the pain that wouldn't open its mouth within herself knowing any words on her part would only instigate further wrath from the beast that blasted vengeance upon her weary worn torn soul.
Instead she had risen and left, leaving behind her home and hearth to hasten to the safe aisles of shopping spending more money that would anger him even more if he knew her latest defeat of his attempt to amass a fortune before he would die and be buried alone himself with his millions and, she, above, looking down repeating: "If only" over and over and over but thoughts like these stopped for now she was there in the dining room with the candle flickering and the wax dripping down the floral arrangement like the old witch melting She wondered if her whole heart as yet had melted and gone for all she felt was numbness and distance growing soundly great between her and the man she had loved and had cherished but were now only words leaving a lasting impression upon her heart where hope had recently arisen in their latest agreement at working out the past years of abuse, albeit, angered atrocities.
She wondered her next move - to wait 'til morning, later, when he would be better and offer her hand in reconciliation and forgiveness but would words come that were important now to express her dislike of his ways, wayward from their truth?
Better perhaps to hold back her tongue in fear of more words working there way from his chest exploding again to reject her, so no, she would stop and hold back once more the reality and let him go on in his world of misbelief while she sat watching the sun rise while smoking cigarettes and writing words from a wearied heart tired of trying and yet still hoping beyond hope that he might some day know the true depth of sorrow he caused her.
Mary recalled that day sitting at the dining room table feeling less than nothing.
She had felt it before but the last bout of his anger had seemed to be the ultimate in destroying her self worth. It was not this event that was the catalyst to change.
Ironically, it was the same circumstances that had given Mary courage to bring Hector into her home that altered Mary's life and made her eventually deal with this man's angry diatribes. Yes, it was the death of her friend Bobbie that encouraged Mary to take stock of her life.
Mary had realized when Bobby died that she wanted changes in her life. She did not want to end up like Bobbie who had so many hopes and dreams and was waiting for her husband to die or divorce her before she did anything. Bobbie had died with all these unmet hopes and dreams. Mary had her own.
Mary smiled as she thought back to that period and all the modifications in her life. Her own transformation from a witherng witch to what she was now came as a result of Bobbie's death. Her friend's demise had meant life to Mary!
Odd, but this was true. Closing her business and going to university had both come about as a result of Bobbie's death. Ultimately, her separation from her ex-husband was tied into this one women's extinction.
"Extinction", Mary thought to herself, "that sounded cold and inhuman". Bobbie's life and death meant alot to Mary. She believed she was in heaven. Believed that she would see her one day and get one of her big bare hugs from this woman.
It was bittersweet these reminisces. Mary realized and hoped God allowed Bobbie to see how important her life was, at least to Mary.
No, Bobbie, hadn't lived out all her hopes and dreams. However, the fact that she didn't was the instigator that motivated Mary to fullfil many of her dreams. Wow! Mary thought, what a revelation! Bobbie's life seemed so much more precious in this moment and God had used what even seemed defective to Mary to encourage her on her own journey. Wow, what a blessing this women's life had been! It was not for not!
Mary smiled and inside was the warmth of that friendship still there tugging at her heart. Bobbie, dear sweet Bobbie.
She left her desk and her poetry behind.
During those years of abuse she confided in one person, her friend Sharon. Mary, like most people in her situation were secretive about their lives when it came to dealing with anger and aggression from another.
Mary knew, too, it was for self-preservation. Though she had not endured the physical violence many women went through Mary knew full well the dangerous effects of a verbal diatribe on one's soul. Her poem "The Withering Witch" was the momentary response to a wrath that left its mark for the rest of her life. Mary sat back and read over again those words she had written many years ago during one of her ex-husband's episodes.
The Withering Witch
Sitting at the dining room table tears running down spattered cheeks racing to nowhere and coming from the heart where the angry attack on her person verbalized in so many adjectives and outbursts of empty rage that for the moment she can only hold her breath in the pain that swells and blocks her heart from breathing.
And a moment of reality checked by the words that came down heavier than hands could ever blow upon a mortal body hits her into viewing the promises of yesterday made in a moment of hope shattered like bloodied stained glass by mere words.
Harmless sounds but daggers that penetrate the morrow and remind of old wounds healed by time but now pressed into this new laceration exposing a grief beyond any earlier infiltration.
Sitting, smoking a cigarette, alone, in a room with a candle kindled while the glow of her own heart has extinguished in the latest renewed exploit of severing her self-worth and injuring once again any expectation she had of loving the one whom she had for so long loved but for so long had rejected her and all his tirades of hate spitted out at her like water on the witch who withered and died in ruins.
She wonders what will ever change the conditions of his own pained heart for her own kind deeds and expressed loving endearments have only capitulated in her own be-hearting. And through the window as the sun seeks to rise and cast its rays of hope she marks her own existence rising up and greeting the new day with eyes of darkness and dread of the old demon hate being there to meet her in his expression when he appears drained and beaten himself on the new morrow's face.
She had wanted to tell him that first moment his lashes ripped through her skin how it hurt and to stop before so much damage had been done but she stood fixed in space holding the pain that wouldn't open its mouth within herself knowing any words on her part would only instigate further wrath from the beast that blasted vengeance upon her weary worn torn soul.
Instead she had risen and left, leaving behind her home and hearth to hasten to the safe aisles of shopping spending more money that would anger him even more if he knew her latest defeat of his attempt to amass a fortune before he would die and be buried alone himself with his millions and, she, above, looking down repeating: "If only" over and over and over but thoughts like these stopped for now she was there in the dining room with the candle flickering and the wax dripping down the floral arrangement like the old witch melting She wondered if her whole heart as yet had melted and gone for all she felt was numbness and distance growing soundly great between her and the man she had loved and had cherished but were now only words leaving a lasting impression upon her heart where hope had recently arisen in their latest agreement at working out the past years of abuse, albeit, angered atrocities.
She wondered her next move - to wait 'til morning, later, when he would be better and offer her hand in reconciliation and forgiveness but would words come that were important now to express her dislike of his ways, wayward from their truth?
Better perhaps to hold back her tongue in fear of more words working there way from his chest exploding again to reject her, so no, she would stop and hold back once more the reality and let him go on in his world of misbelief while she sat watching the sun rise while smoking cigarettes and writing words from a wearied heart tired of trying and yet still hoping beyond hope that he might some day know the true depth of sorrow he caused her.
Mary recalled that day sitting at the dining room table feeling less than nothing.
She had felt it before but the last bout of his anger had seemed to be the ultimate in destroying her self worth. It was not this event that was the catalyst to change.
Ironically, it was the same circumstances that had given Mary courage to bring Hector into her home that altered Mary's life and made her eventually deal with this man's angry diatribes. Yes, it was the death of her friend Bobbie that encouraged Mary to take stock of her life.
Mary had realized when Bobby died that she wanted changes in her life. She did not want to end up like Bobbie who had so many hopes and dreams and was waiting for her husband to die or divorce her before she did anything. Bobbie had died with all these unmet hopes and dreams. Mary had her own.
Mary smiled as she thought back to that period and all the modifications in her life. Her own transformation from a witherng witch to what she was now came as a result of Bobbie's death. Her friend's demise had meant life to Mary!
Odd, but this was true. Closing her business and going to university had both come about as a result of Bobbie's death. Ultimately, her separation from her ex-husband was tied into this one women's extinction.
"Extinction", Mary thought to herself, "that sounded cold and inhuman". Bobbie's life and death meant alot to Mary. She believed she was in heaven. Believed that she would see her one day and get one of her big bare hugs from this woman.
It was bittersweet these reminisces. Mary realized and hoped God allowed Bobbie to see how important her life was, at least to Mary.
No, Bobbie, hadn't lived out all her hopes and dreams. However, the fact that she didn't was the instigator that motivated Mary to fullfil many of her dreams. Wow! Mary thought, what a revelation! Bobbie's life seemed so much more precious in this moment and God had used what even seemed defective to Mary to encourage her on her own journey. Wow, what a blessing this women's life had been! It was not for not!
Mary smiled and inside was the warmth of that friendship still there tugging at her heart. Bobbie, dear sweet Bobbie.
She left her desk and her poetry behind.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Hector
Mary had decided to go for a walk as it was turning out to be a bright sunny day. She needed the exercise and had gotten lazy over the holidays. Dressed up in her sheep skin coat, brown wool hat, gloves and scarf off Mary went. Mary decided to walk down by the river as it would be a beautiful sight.
She was absolutely right about that for the Detroit River was completely iced over. Any snowmobile would find it very appealing right now! However, Mary guessed that the Coast Guard located in close proximity would not permit anyone from using the river for any joy riding!
Mary loved her walk down by the water because she could look not only at the startling views of Boblo Island which displayed it's elegant homes proudly but at the many rich houses that dotted Dalhousie street where she travelled. Some of the older estates dated back to the 1800's. One that Mary truly loved was in need of repair and she hoped the town of Amherstburg did not allow the owner to let it deteriorate any further. Mary noted that many of the older properties were torn down after they were left uncared for, intentionally, so it seemed to her. This hit Mary as so strange since Amherstburg was a historical town and advertised it as such! It didn't make sense to Mary that the buildings that added to the historicity of the area were eradicated!
Mary was at the halfway mark in her walk when she met up with a woman walking a Jack Russell. Mary couldn't help but notice how good and obedient the dog was. It walked directly at the heels of the woman and after a courteous hello to Mary the dog continued walking in her place behind the woman.
The conversation that struck up between them revolved around this Jack Russell, who it turned out, was rescued from along some obscure country road! Mary shook her head as she realized what a blessed find this dog was. It was not only obedient but apparently seldom barked nor fought with other dogs. The woman didn't even use a leash with this calm little critter! How good it was!
Mary shook her head in amazement and told the woman, "that dog of yours, he's a gift from God, you know that, don't you?" Yes, chortled the owner. They parted ways at this point and as Mary travelled on alone she thought about a Jack Russell she once had. That dog was a dream come true. He had been evidence to Mary that God not only gives us dreams but can bring them to fruition.
Hector, that was his name, was a gift from God, too, Mary thought. Mary reflected back to Hector and the picture God had put in her head of this little guy. Though he did not yet exist on an earthly plane God had shown Mary what he would look like. In her mind's eye, God gave Mary a picture of Hector that included an all white body with a black spot over one eye and two fat chunky back legs. Mary could envision this little dog striding along like a little fat chubby pig.
Because God's visions to us come through human lenses they are not always perfect. Mary concluded from her picture of Hector that he must be a Bull Terrier. Everyone who had an ear listened for the next two years about Mary's "would be" dog. Friends and family bought her cards and figurines of this dog! The funny thing was when Hector finally arrived he was not a Bull Terrier at all.
Mary remembered with a smile the phone call that came from her mother. She was living in Fort Erie about 100 miles from Mary at the time, who lived in Toronto. Her mother was all excited and had news. "I got the dog you wanted, Mary", she said. Mary cried with the warmth in her heart as she thought back to the phone call.
Her mother had been out walking in the neighbourhood and someone had all these Jack Russell puppies for sale. Mary's mom had bought one. "But" said Mary, "that is not the dog I want" Now Mary had never heard of a Jack Russell and hadn't the foggiest idea of what one looked like. But because Mary had put a label to her vague vision of the dog God was going to give her she assumed that a Jack Russell could not be what she envisioned.
However, curiosity got the better of Mary and a week or so later she made the two hour trip up to Fort Erie to see her mom and her new dog "Dovey". Mary's eyes widened and her smile couldn't have been bigger when this adorable white puppie with the black spot over his eye came running at Mary and jumped up at her. It was love at first sight for the both of them.
Dovey, as her mother called him, spent the whole weekend with Mary, in and out of her arms, on the couch, outside - wherever she went. They were more in love than any man and woman could ever be.
Mary's heart that had gone flip flop at the sight of her vision come to life had to go back to Toronto without the dog. Why, you might ask? At the time Mary was married to someone who didn't like animals and who was very dominant in the house. Mary didn't want to ruffle his feathers! He had warned her he didn't want any dog and so for the next year Mary lived without Dovey/Hector.
But the story doesn't end there because Mary's mom eventually moved to Toronto - the next block over from Mary, in fact! Mary would go over almost every day to see her Hector and walk him and just love him up. Oh Mary wanted him so bad but she couldn't bring herself to get up enough courage to take him home. Her mother had been more than willing for Mary to take him as she knew how Mary loved Hector.
It was November of 1991 when it happened.
On the 12th of that month Mary's good friend Bobbie who worked for Mary in her store died. Bobbie was 56 years old. Mary was 38 at the time and 56 didn't seem so far away. Bobbie had walked into Mary's store one day looking for a job. Mary gave it to her. It was not too long before Bobbie and Mary had become quick friends. They enjoyed shopping for her store, working together, and eating all the great desserts and coffees that they sold in the tearoom; it was in an addition to her store.
After two years of this friendship Bobbie began to grow sicker each day that went by. She began to slow down as her arteries grew more clogged. Her specialist had suggested she have a bypass. Mary had encouraged Bobbie to get it done! Mary knew that Bobbie needed to do something. Finally, the date was set and Bobbie went in for her operation.
Bobbie never recovered. She remained in a comma after the operation for a month. Then she died. Mary had never lost anyone close before and when Bobbie died a part of her went with her. However, Mary learned a great lesson through this woman's loss. Bobbie, you see, had never lived up to her full potential.
She had a horrible marriage to a man that loved another. Bobbie was broken hearted but not brave enough to leave this man. So she lived with this indignity. Mary could only look back at Bobbie's life and see what wasn't that could have been if only Bobbie had gotten the courage up and left.
Mary looked at her own life and realized she wasn't living fully either. She was married to a man she was afraid of. She allowed that fear to prevent her from taking the gift that God and her mother offered her: Hector.
Mary smiled and remembered the day she decided to stand up to her fears and her ex-husband. Oddly, it was all melodramatic as her husband seemed indifferent to her taking the dog and caused no fuss what so ever. Mary could have kicked herself for not taking Hector earlier.
Mary laughed when she thought of the first night with her boy. She played with him all day and went to bed putting Hector in a bed she made for him beside her on the floor. At 4:30 in the morning Hector woke up and wanted out. Mary got up and took him out but when they went back in the house he was restless and wanted something. Mary wasn't sure what.
Mary walked Hector over to her mom's house at that early hour. She was up, as usual being older and past the stage of getting eight good hours of sleep.
Mary's mom had laughed when she saw the two of them coming in the door. Mary didn't think it was so funny because she felt a sense of hopelessness. Maybe she wasn't meant to have this dog after all. Maybe he was too use to her mom. However, her mother soon appeased her fears.
"Mary", her mom said, "Dovey is use to getting up with me. When he does get up I let him out and if I go back to bed he hops in with me. Take him back home with you. Watch tonight when you go to bed. If he gets you up take him out but put him in to bed with you when you come back inside."
Mary was all happy when she left and sure enough the next morning Hector was more than delighted to jump into bed with Mary and cozy up along side of her. After that, Hector never did sleep on the floor again. He was always beside her until he was too old to jump up and Mary had to pick him up and put him into bed next to her.
Mary turned sad at the thought of that last picture for Hector had to be put down in 2005. The love of her life was gone now. She had cared for him so.
What Mary realized back then when Hector came along and even now was that God does give us dreams and they can come true. With Hector it took Mary to play her part and be courageous enough to take hold of that dream! Mary smiled to herself and knew her dream of a home that would house the endeavour she foresaw was also a possiblity, just like Hector.
Mary was determined to do all that was necessary for this dream. She didn't want to have to wait the length of time she did to get her Hector, her gift from God ...and her mom. Hector was just a reminder this morning that dreams do come true. Mary smiled as she entered the house and took off her boots. She was home. This was the place her next dream would come to pass!
She was absolutely right about that for the Detroit River was completely iced over. Any snowmobile would find it very appealing right now! However, Mary guessed that the Coast Guard located in close proximity would not permit anyone from using the river for any joy riding!
Mary loved her walk down by the water because she could look not only at the startling views of Boblo Island which displayed it's elegant homes proudly but at the many rich houses that dotted Dalhousie street where she travelled. Some of the older estates dated back to the 1800's. One that Mary truly loved was in need of repair and she hoped the town of Amherstburg did not allow the owner to let it deteriorate any further. Mary noted that many of the older properties were torn down after they were left uncared for, intentionally, so it seemed to her. This hit Mary as so strange since Amherstburg was a historical town and advertised it as such! It didn't make sense to Mary that the buildings that added to the historicity of the area were eradicated!
Mary was at the halfway mark in her walk when she met up with a woman walking a Jack Russell. Mary couldn't help but notice how good and obedient the dog was. It walked directly at the heels of the woman and after a courteous hello to Mary the dog continued walking in her place behind the woman.
The conversation that struck up between them revolved around this Jack Russell, who it turned out, was rescued from along some obscure country road! Mary shook her head as she realized what a blessed find this dog was. It was not only obedient but apparently seldom barked nor fought with other dogs. The woman didn't even use a leash with this calm little critter! How good it was!
Mary shook her head in amazement and told the woman, "that dog of yours, he's a gift from God, you know that, don't you?" Yes, chortled the owner. They parted ways at this point and as Mary travelled on alone she thought about a Jack Russell she once had. That dog was a dream come true. He had been evidence to Mary that God not only gives us dreams but can bring them to fruition.
Hector, that was his name, was a gift from God, too, Mary thought. Mary reflected back to Hector and the picture God had put in her head of this little guy. Though he did not yet exist on an earthly plane God had shown Mary what he would look like. In her mind's eye, God gave Mary a picture of Hector that included an all white body with a black spot over one eye and two fat chunky back legs. Mary could envision this little dog striding along like a little fat chubby pig.
Because God's visions to us come through human lenses they are not always perfect. Mary concluded from her picture of Hector that he must be a Bull Terrier. Everyone who had an ear listened for the next two years about Mary's "would be" dog. Friends and family bought her cards and figurines of this dog! The funny thing was when Hector finally arrived he was not a Bull Terrier at all.
Mary remembered with a smile the phone call that came from her mother. She was living in Fort Erie about 100 miles from Mary at the time, who lived in Toronto. Her mother was all excited and had news. "I got the dog you wanted, Mary", she said. Mary cried with the warmth in her heart as she thought back to the phone call.
Her mother had been out walking in the neighbourhood and someone had all these Jack Russell puppies for sale. Mary's mom had bought one. "But" said Mary, "that is not the dog I want" Now Mary had never heard of a Jack Russell and hadn't the foggiest idea of what one looked like. But because Mary had put a label to her vague vision of the dog God was going to give her she assumed that a Jack Russell could not be what she envisioned.
However, curiosity got the better of Mary and a week or so later she made the two hour trip up to Fort Erie to see her mom and her new dog "Dovey". Mary's eyes widened and her smile couldn't have been bigger when this adorable white puppie with the black spot over his eye came running at Mary and jumped up at her. It was love at first sight for the both of them.
Dovey, as her mother called him, spent the whole weekend with Mary, in and out of her arms, on the couch, outside - wherever she went. They were more in love than any man and woman could ever be.
Mary's heart that had gone flip flop at the sight of her vision come to life had to go back to Toronto without the dog. Why, you might ask? At the time Mary was married to someone who didn't like animals and who was very dominant in the house. Mary didn't want to ruffle his feathers! He had warned her he didn't want any dog and so for the next year Mary lived without Dovey/Hector.
But the story doesn't end there because Mary's mom eventually moved to Toronto - the next block over from Mary, in fact! Mary would go over almost every day to see her Hector and walk him and just love him up. Oh Mary wanted him so bad but she couldn't bring herself to get up enough courage to take him home. Her mother had been more than willing for Mary to take him as she knew how Mary loved Hector.
It was November of 1991 when it happened.
On the 12th of that month Mary's good friend Bobbie who worked for Mary in her store died. Bobbie was 56 years old. Mary was 38 at the time and 56 didn't seem so far away. Bobbie had walked into Mary's store one day looking for a job. Mary gave it to her. It was not too long before Bobbie and Mary had become quick friends. They enjoyed shopping for her store, working together, and eating all the great desserts and coffees that they sold in the tearoom; it was in an addition to her store.
After two years of this friendship Bobbie began to grow sicker each day that went by. She began to slow down as her arteries grew more clogged. Her specialist had suggested she have a bypass. Mary had encouraged Bobbie to get it done! Mary knew that Bobbie needed to do something. Finally, the date was set and Bobbie went in for her operation.
Bobbie never recovered. She remained in a comma after the operation for a month. Then she died. Mary had never lost anyone close before and when Bobbie died a part of her went with her. However, Mary learned a great lesson through this woman's loss. Bobbie, you see, had never lived up to her full potential.
She had a horrible marriage to a man that loved another. Bobbie was broken hearted but not brave enough to leave this man. So she lived with this indignity. Mary could only look back at Bobbie's life and see what wasn't that could have been if only Bobbie had gotten the courage up and left.
Mary looked at her own life and realized she wasn't living fully either. She was married to a man she was afraid of. She allowed that fear to prevent her from taking the gift that God and her mother offered her: Hector.
Mary smiled and remembered the day she decided to stand up to her fears and her ex-husband. Oddly, it was all melodramatic as her husband seemed indifferent to her taking the dog and caused no fuss what so ever. Mary could have kicked herself for not taking Hector earlier.
Mary laughed when she thought of the first night with her boy. She played with him all day and went to bed putting Hector in a bed she made for him beside her on the floor. At 4:30 in the morning Hector woke up and wanted out. Mary got up and took him out but when they went back in the house he was restless and wanted something. Mary wasn't sure what.
Mary walked Hector over to her mom's house at that early hour. She was up, as usual being older and past the stage of getting eight good hours of sleep.
Mary's mom had laughed when she saw the two of them coming in the door. Mary didn't think it was so funny because she felt a sense of hopelessness. Maybe she wasn't meant to have this dog after all. Maybe he was too use to her mom. However, her mother soon appeased her fears.
"Mary", her mom said, "Dovey is use to getting up with me. When he does get up I let him out and if I go back to bed he hops in with me. Take him back home with you. Watch tonight when you go to bed. If he gets you up take him out but put him in to bed with you when you come back inside."
Mary was all happy when she left and sure enough the next morning Hector was more than delighted to jump into bed with Mary and cozy up along side of her. After that, Hector never did sleep on the floor again. He was always beside her until he was too old to jump up and Mary had to pick him up and put him into bed next to her.
Mary turned sad at the thought of that last picture for Hector had to be put down in 2005. The love of her life was gone now. She had cared for him so.
What Mary realized back then when Hector came along and even now was that God does give us dreams and they can come true. With Hector it took Mary to play her part and be courageous enough to take hold of that dream! Mary smiled to herself and knew her dream of a home that would house the endeavour she foresaw was also a possiblity, just like Hector.
Mary was determined to do all that was necessary for this dream. She didn't want to have to wait the length of time she did to get her Hector, her gift from God ...and her mom. Hector was just a reminder this morning that dreams do come true. Mary smiled as she entered the house and took off her boots. She was home. This was the place her next dream would come to pass!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Believing God for His Promises
Mary was reading her morning scripture passage. Today it was taken from Genesis 15. God promised Abraham a son but Abraham was an old man and didn't think it was possible. God, however, knew something Abraham didn't. He told him to look up to the night sky and count the stars if he could. God told him his descendants would be like that - too many to count!
Mary looked away from the page and thought about yesterday's view of that beautiful house and the reminder of her own dream. Mary smiled because just last night as she and Robin walked the dogs she had noticed the night sky. It was very, very clear and you could see every star!
Mary thought about Abraham and how God looked at him. It says "Abraham believed God and the Lord declared him righteous because of his faith". Mary knew that the promises of God were true for her as well as for Abraham and decided to believe God that her dream would come to pass just as it did for Abraham.
Mary thought of these last 7 years here in this little town far away from Toronto where she had lived most of her life. She realized now all that had happened and was happening here was preparation for her huge endeavour that was someday going to come about.
Mary didn't see anything as a coincidence. She had always noticed she was in the right place at the right time and God was working. However, now it occurred to her that even in the bigger arena of time that spending 7 years here was part of God working on her behalf.
Though her life seemed trivial and unimportant she realized that working at the food bank in Windsor was not only helping the poor but aiding her in keeping in shape as a business person. She had learned some tricks of the trade there for use in the future. Becoming a housewife and cooking for Robin was now being used in a bigger way. Cooking for 50 people at the Mission was no small feat! Mary had not cooked much in Toronto. She and her first husband ate out a lot. She would never have been able to take on the volunteer position helping cook if she hadn't had the last 7 years of faithfully looking after her husband. Mary realized this would be good preparation for a restaurant of her own someday.
Mary was also buying and selling odds and sods on the Internet or at garage sales. Even the little chair she was covering was a potential piece she could sell in a second hand store! Mary began to see the bigger picture behind all the so called coincidences of her life. God didn't waste anything.
She realized more and more her life and time was in God's hand. More and more she saw that God was doing good for her. Mary was encouraged by this weekend and its events. She could now start focusing on what she believed God was doing. She would start acting upon it by collecting more pretty things to sell in her future store, paint and pretty up her house in the Victorian style and continue to work on her counselling and painting.
Life was good and it seemed she had a purpose once again and something to motivate her to do what she was doing. She thanked God for the renewed hope and vowed to keep in mind this weekend's event. It needed to stay in the forefront of her thoughts or she would be inclined to lose faith once again.
With that, Mary smiled, took a sip of her coffee and continued reading the word.
Mary looked away from the page and thought about yesterday's view of that beautiful house and the reminder of her own dream. Mary smiled because just last night as she and Robin walked the dogs she had noticed the night sky. It was very, very clear and you could see every star!
Mary thought about Abraham and how God looked at him. It says "Abraham believed God and the Lord declared him righteous because of his faith". Mary knew that the promises of God were true for her as well as for Abraham and decided to believe God that her dream would come to pass just as it did for Abraham.
Mary thought of these last 7 years here in this little town far away from Toronto where she had lived most of her life. She realized now all that had happened and was happening here was preparation for her huge endeavour that was someday going to come about.
Mary didn't see anything as a coincidence. She had always noticed she was in the right place at the right time and God was working. However, now it occurred to her that even in the bigger arena of time that spending 7 years here was part of God working on her behalf.
Though her life seemed trivial and unimportant she realized that working at the food bank in Windsor was not only helping the poor but aiding her in keeping in shape as a business person. She had learned some tricks of the trade there for use in the future. Becoming a housewife and cooking for Robin was now being used in a bigger way. Cooking for 50 people at the Mission was no small feat! Mary had not cooked much in Toronto. She and her first husband ate out a lot. She would never have been able to take on the volunteer position helping cook if she hadn't had the last 7 years of faithfully looking after her husband. Mary realized this would be good preparation for a restaurant of her own someday.
Mary was also buying and selling odds and sods on the Internet or at garage sales. Even the little chair she was covering was a potential piece she could sell in a second hand store! Mary began to see the bigger picture behind all the so called coincidences of her life. God didn't waste anything.
She realized more and more her life and time was in God's hand. More and more she saw that God was doing good for her. Mary was encouraged by this weekend and its events. She could now start focusing on what she believed God was doing. She would start acting upon it by collecting more pretty things to sell in her future store, paint and pretty up her house in the Victorian style and continue to work on her counselling and painting.
Life was good and it seemed she had a purpose once again and something to motivate her to do what she was doing. She thanked God for the renewed hope and vowed to keep in mind this weekend's event. It needed to stay in the forefront of her thoughts or she would be inclined to lose faith once again.
With that, Mary smiled, took a sip of her coffee and continued reading the word.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Her Dream
She put her foot on the brake and slowed the car down. Her mouth opened in awe at the sight. "Look, Robin, isn't that beautiful?" she said to her husband as she peered through the window at the big old Victorian building.
It was beautiful, too, especially the turret and the huge porch with all the ornate filigree. Mary's eyes gazed upon the dusty rose and teal green accent colours of this wonderful old house. She could see, even from this distance, that there were many different stained glass windows on both floors. The big front window with all its detail framed the words "Setterington's Gifts". Mary got even more excited. "You think we could stop and go in, Robin?", she asked her husband. Of course he said yes even though they weren't on a sightseeing tour. They were on their way to a fabric store to find some upholstery for a neat little chair that needed a fresh look. They just "happened" to end up on this road because the fabric shop was on a "one way" street.
Mary slowed her car and pulled into the parking lot adjacent to the old house. Though her husband was with her Mary felt quite alone and lost in the ecstasy of the moment of finding such a treasure.
Inside Mary was not disappointed at what she found. The old dark wood stair case, the antique marble fireplace, and the 18th century scroll work that bedazzled each room was accented by pretty tiny rose patterned wallpaper, beautiful multi-coloured stain glass windows, and ceilings that seemed to reach 10 feet high! Oh what a delight.
The owner had managed to fill her space with many, many beautiful art pieces of childish wonder, old Maud Humphrey cards and the like, as well as angels of all shapes and sizes to fit in large as well as small spaces. Words could not describe the wonder of the place. It was sheer heaven to Mary.
She began to talk to the owner who had moved here from Chicago and redecorated the old house a few years ago. Would you believe: it had been a steak house! Mary and the owner shared stories about shopping excursions they had both been on to fill this space. You see Mary had once owned a store in Toronto. It was such a wonderful memory and time for Mary. She still had a warm spot for this business.
The store owner asked Mary if she ever thought of opening a business again. Mary answered that she had and was thinking of an antique shop or second hand shop.
It was a good conversation during which Mary encouraged the woman to keep the faith and wait because things would improve. The woman needed this boost as business was slow. It was bound to be as she was only open for two years. Before leaving Mary purchased a little Christmas tree angel more as gesture to bless the woman than anything else.
Outside Mary shared her enthusiasm with Robin. "Wouldn't that be wonderful to own? Wow!" Mary was excited, too, because the woman had indicated that she had the upstairs rented out with counselling offices! How funny was that? Mary did counselling.
Suddenly, it came back to her: Mary's old dream. It was a dream she had buried away deep inside. It was a retreat or resource center that would help restore people, rejuvenate them and give them a place to escape from their troubles. Her center included one area for a chapel, some counselling offices, and even classrooms for instruction to feed the spirit. Another area would contain delicious foods and great coffees and desserts to feed the soul. Further, there would be a wonderful big gift shop with every imaginable delight to mesmerize and make one forget any problem they faced. Further there would be beautifully decorated sleeping quarters all decked out in the Victorian period. Here one one could rest and heal their bodies.
Mary smiled to herself and reminded her husband of this sleeping giant. It was still as big as life within her and seeing this store today awakened it in her.
Mary smiled to herself how God had answered her prayer so quickly from the day before.
Mary had surrendered her ideas of what she thought she should be doing and given it over to God and asked for his view on her life. A warm deep sense of God's love and presence engulfed Mary. Perhaps, Mary thought to herself, this dream was already beginning to take root. She did have a counselling office in her house. She was painting her pretty stained glass windows in the sun room. As well, she was learning to cook for 50 people the Mission where she volunteered. Her heart was just waiting for the right moment and money to come along to start a second hand business.
The house seemed too small to Mary to live in as well as establish the big business she foresaw but perhaps one day she and Robin might find another abode to live in. Perhaps one day this home they lived in now would be delegated to housing only her dream. "Perhaps" - what a wonderful word! It oozed hope and possibilities. It blossomed with the flower of her dreams!
Mary's eyes filled up with tears and her heart squeezed tight with love and enthusiasm. God had answered her prayer with this reminder of an old dream. Was it possible this could be, would be, someday? Mary smiled and reminded herself, "All things are possible with God".
It was beautiful, too, especially the turret and the huge porch with all the ornate filigree. Mary's eyes gazed upon the dusty rose and teal green accent colours of this wonderful old house. She could see, even from this distance, that there were many different stained glass windows on both floors. The big front window with all its detail framed the words "Setterington's Gifts". Mary got even more excited. "You think we could stop and go in, Robin?", she asked her husband. Of course he said yes even though they weren't on a sightseeing tour. They were on their way to a fabric store to find some upholstery for a neat little chair that needed a fresh look. They just "happened" to end up on this road because the fabric shop was on a "one way" street.
Mary slowed her car and pulled into the parking lot adjacent to the old house. Though her husband was with her Mary felt quite alone and lost in the ecstasy of the moment of finding such a treasure.
Inside Mary was not disappointed at what she found. The old dark wood stair case, the antique marble fireplace, and the 18th century scroll work that bedazzled each room was accented by pretty tiny rose patterned wallpaper, beautiful multi-coloured stain glass windows, and ceilings that seemed to reach 10 feet high! Oh what a delight.
The owner had managed to fill her space with many, many beautiful art pieces of childish wonder, old Maud Humphrey cards and the like, as well as angels of all shapes and sizes to fit in large as well as small spaces. Words could not describe the wonder of the place. It was sheer heaven to Mary.
She began to talk to the owner who had moved here from Chicago and redecorated the old house a few years ago. Would you believe: it had been a steak house! Mary and the owner shared stories about shopping excursions they had both been on to fill this space. You see Mary had once owned a store in Toronto. It was such a wonderful memory and time for Mary. She still had a warm spot for this business.
The store owner asked Mary if she ever thought of opening a business again. Mary answered that she had and was thinking of an antique shop or second hand shop.
It was a good conversation during which Mary encouraged the woman to keep the faith and wait because things would improve. The woman needed this boost as business was slow. It was bound to be as she was only open for two years. Before leaving Mary purchased a little Christmas tree angel more as gesture to bless the woman than anything else.
Outside Mary shared her enthusiasm with Robin. "Wouldn't that be wonderful to own? Wow!" Mary was excited, too, because the woman had indicated that she had the upstairs rented out with counselling offices! How funny was that? Mary did counselling.
Suddenly, it came back to her: Mary's old dream. It was a dream she had buried away deep inside. It was a retreat or resource center that would help restore people, rejuvenate them and give them a place to escape from their troubles. Her center included one area for a chapel, some counselling offices, and even classrooms for instruction to feed the spirit. Another area would contain delicious foods and great coffees and desserts to feed the soul. Further, there would be a wonderful big gift shop with every imaginable delight to mesmerize and make one forget any problem they faced. Further there would be beautifully decorated sleeping quarters all decked out in the Victorian period. Here one one could rest and heal their bodies.
Mary smiled to herself and reminded her husband of this sleeping giant. It was still as big as life within her and seeing this store today awakened it in her.
Mary smiled to herself how God had answered her prayer so quickly from the day before.
Mary had surrendered her ideas of what she thought she should be doing and given it over to God and asked for his view on her life. A warm deep sense of God's love and presence engulfed Mary. Perhaps, Mary thought to herself, this dream was already beginning to take root. She did have a counselling office in her house. She was painting her pretty stained glass windows in the sun room. As well, she was learning to cook for 50 people the Mission where she volunteered. Her heart was just waiting for the right moment and money to come along to start a second hand business.
The house seemed too small to Mary to live in as well as establish the big business she foresaw but perhaps one day she and Robin might find another abode to live in. Perhaps one day this home they lived in now would be delegated to housing only her dream. "Perhaps" - what a wonderful word! It oozed hope and possibilities. It blossomed with the flower of her dreams!
Mary's eyes filled up with tears and her heart squeezed tight with love and enthusiasm. God had answered her prayer with this reminder of an old dream. Was it possible this could be, would be, someday? Mary smiled and reminded herself, "All things are possible with God".
Another Way
She watched the video of the Retriever being trained to helped the handicapped. From birth on the trainer worked with this little one! It was amazing to see how quickly the dog learned.
However, the animal had other ideas of what he was good for! The owner had to retrain the dog when she found out he liked chasing birds! Watching the video Mary began to cry as she realized she had tried to force herself into a role. It wasn't working. As much as she tried to be something she wasn't the more depressed she became. What was worse was the thought of all that education that would go to waste. Yet she had to relent of her recent decision to get involved in something. Each time she thought of it a dread came to her heart. There was a check on her spirit.
It was a New Year and a new day. She must let go of this old vision of herself. She held on to it too long now and it was not bearing any good fruit; just the many rotten apples of depression each time she tried to be what she wasn't meant to do! This video brought it all to light.
Mary looked to the window and the grey sky. Somewhere God was listening and watching. "God", she said, "help me to see what you see. You have given me many gifts. Help me to see where you want me to use my gifts. Help me to be what will make you and me happy and will be in line with the gifts you have given me. Lord, I keep trying to be something I am not. Whatver I am to be help me to see it and know it and follow your will. I let go of what I think I should be. I give it all to you and ask you to show me, through your word and way, what direction to take. Like that trainer, Lord, you see my potential. Guide me to use my talents for your glory."
Mary was determined she was going to stop trying to live up to a dream that was dead and which she had been trying to fulfil. She resolved in her heart to focus on what God would show her and become whatever that was. She sat back, took a deep breath and sighed a big sigh. She was free to "surf" if need be! Or fly as high as the sky.
However, the animal had other ideas of what he was good for! The owner had to retrain the dog when she found out he liked chasing birds! Watching the video Mary began to cry as she realized she had tried to force herself into a role. It wasn't working. As much as she tried to be something she wasn't the more depressed she became. What was worse was the thought of all that education that would go to waste. Yet she had to relent of her recent decision to get involved in something. Each time she thought of it a dread came to her heart. There was a check on her spirit.
It was a New Year and a new day. She must let go of this old vision of herself. She held on to it too long now and it was not bearing any good fruit; just the many rotten apples of depression each time she tried to be what she wasn't meant to do! This video brought it all to light.
Mary looked to the window and the grey sky. Somewhere God was listening and watching. "God", she said, "help me to see what you see. You have given me many gifts. Help me to see where you want me to use my gifts. Help me to be what will make you and me happy and will be in line with the gifts you have given me. Lord, I keep trying to be something I am not. Whatver I am to be help me to see it and know it and follow your will. I let go of what I think I should be. I give it all to you and ask you to show me, through your word and way, what direction to take. Like that trainer, Lord, you see my potential. Guide me to use my talents for your glory."
Mary was determined she was going to stop trying to live up to a dream that was dead and which she had been trying to fulfil. She resolved in her heart to focus on what God would show her and become whatever that was. She sat back, took a deep breath and sighed a big sigh. She was free to "surf" if need be! Or fly as high as the sky.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Monstrosity
She stood staring at the monstrosity. It seemed so small in the store but now that it stood in the kitchen it seemed to overtake the room! Mary and her husband had both decided it would fit "perfectly" if they just cut out a counter top that stood out from one wall. Underneath this space she had two stools. She often sat there if she had company.
However, with the new freezer arriving the couple decided the counter must go. Now as she saw the freezer protruding out beyond where she thought it would reach Mary just shook her head. Now how was she going to break the news to her husband that it just didn't fit here. It would have to go on the other side of the room.
Her husband Robin was busy at present putting the door frame back up. It had to come off because the new appliance wouldn't fit through the opening; that had presented another problem! Mary walked around the kitchen trying to put into words how to break the news. She looked back at the sawed off counter that jutted out. She mumbled to herself, "a little glue should get the two counter tops looking right as rain". She giggled to herself half at the absurdity of that thought and half because she was so darn tired.
Mary had waited in half the day for these delivery guys. While waiting she managed to outline the drawings for 5 small window paintings, take down and wash the drapes and sheers in the living room, and then iron another pair and put them up in their place. Besides these major jobs she prepared dinner, took her two dogs for their walks and talked a while to her neighbour.
They were putting up new lampposts outside and Sylvia, Mary's neighbour, was not impressed with where they had put the one near both their houses. She had called the mayor and had him come over and look.
"It has to be moved back," Sylvia said to her cousin. The mayor was her uncle's son on her father's side. It didn't matter much what Sylvia said or whether or not the mayor was related. The mayor could see the obvious problem with the lamp as it took up half the sidewalk and someone was bound to walk into it!. So before he left it was decided the lamp would be moved onto Sylvia's lawn. Though Mary was happier with where it was right now because it shone nicely on her house she said nothing. What was the use.
She went back inside continuing to wait for the delivery men. When they arrived the first problem had occured. It wouldn't fit through any door except the back door and even there the freezer would only go through if the door frame was removed.
Looking back now at the whole thing Mary was sort of sorry they bought the big white storage unit. They needed it, she knew that. Mary had reasoned along with her husband that such a purchase would help them save money. There was often many deals on frozen foods. But who would have thought this freezer would cause so much grief.
When her husband had come home he had gotten to work right after dinner taking off the door frame. He was then able to get the big hulk through the door.
He was exhausted then. He had wanted to finish the job on the weekend. "On the weekend!" Mary exclaimed. "No way! I can't live with all this stuff sitting all over until then. It's only Tuesday".
So poor Robin, her husband, refitted the frame back into the doorway and screwed and nailed the wedges in place and hung the door.
It was all done by 8:30pm. Despite the frustration Mary and Robin were both able to hug each other and smile and laugh at the problem posed by the existing counter which had been cut down to fit the future fridge. Putting back the old piece, should be interesting, thought Mary. But that job would be for another day.
Despite all the frustration of easing this freezer into its new home Mary had to say it didn't turn out so bad. It could have been far worse. There could have been a screaming and yelling match but there was peace and harmony. Mary smiled to herself. She was so thankful for Robin, he was so unlike her first husband when there was trouble.
But these were thoughts for another day. Enough was enough. With that Mary turned her gaze to the stairs leading to their bedroom. Another day, perhaps, she would share about what an experience with that man was like. For tonight, she was off to dream land and measured her steps slowly up the stairs.
However, with the new freezer arriving the couple decided the counter must go. Now as she saw the freezer protruding out beyond where she thought it would reach Mary just shook her head. Now how was she going to break the news to her husband that it just didn't fit here. It would have to go on the other side of the room.
Her husband Robin was busy at present putting the door frame back up. It had to come off because the new appliance wouldn't fit through the opening; that had presented another problem! Mary walked around the kitchen trying to put into words how to break the news. She looked back at the sawed off counter that jutted out. She mumbled to herself, "a little glue should get the two counter tops looking right as rain". She giggled to herself half at the absurdity of that thought and half because she was so darn tired.
Mary had waited in half the day for these delivery guys. While waiting she managed to outline the drawings for 5 small window paintings, take down and wash the drapes and sheers in the living room, and then iron another pair and put them up in their place. Besides these major jobs she prepared dinner, took her two dogs for their walks and talked a while to her neighbour.
They were putting up new lampposts outside and Sylvia, Mary's neighbour, was not impressed with where they had put the one near both their houses. She had called the mayor and had him come over and look.
"It has to be moved back," Sylvia said to her cousin. The mayor was her uncle's son on her father's side. It didn't matter much what Sylvia said or whether or not the mayor was related. The mayor could see the obvious problem with the lamp as it took up half the sidewalk and someone was bound to walk into it!. So before he left it was decided the lamp would be moved onto Sylvia's lawn. Though Mary was happier with where it was right now because it shone nicely on her house she said nothing. What was the use.
She went back inside continuing to wait for the delivery men. When they arrived the first problem had occured. It wouldn't fit through any door except the back door and even there the freezer would only go through if the door frame was removed.
Looking back now at the whole thing Mary was sort of sorry they bought the big white storage unit. They needed it, she knew that. Mary had reasoned along with her husband that such a purchase would help them save money. There was often many deals on frozen foods. But who would have thought this freezer would cause so much grief.
When her husband had come home he had gotten to work right after dinner taking off the door frame. He was then able to get the big hulk through the door.
He was exhausted then. He had wanted to finish the job on the weekend. "On the weekend!" Mary exclaimed. "No way! I can't live with all this stuff sitting all over until then. It's only Tuesday".
So poor Robin, her husband, refitted the frame back into the doorway and screwed and nailed the wedges in place and hung the door.
It was all done by 8:30pm. Despite the frustration Mary and Robin were both able to hug each other and smile and laugh at the problem posed by the existing counter which had been cut down to fit the future fridge. Putting back the old piece, should be interesting, thought Mary. But that job would be for another day.
Despite all the frustration of easing this freezer into its new home Mary had to say it didn't turn out so bad. It could have been far worse. There could have been a screaming and yelling match but there was peace and harmony. Mary smiled to herself. She was so thankful for Robin, he was so unlike her first husband when there was trouble.
But these were thoughts for another day. Enough was enough. With that Mary turned her gaze to the stairs leading to their bedroom. Another day, perhaps, she would share about what an experience with that man was like. For tonight, she was off to dream land and measured her steps slowly up the stairs.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
One Day At a Time
It is the end of the third day of the year 2010. I realize tonight I need to add a postscript to this mornings' thoughts on our resolutions for the year. It seems to me that how we keep the faith is a matter of importance. After a day of indulging in certain foods that are not really on my New Year's resolve I must indicate that a written plan of action is necessary to get anywhere this year. Disgusted with my poor efforts at eating I have therefore taken the oral word to paper. Being specific about what we plan to do or not do in the coming year seems important. To say, I want to lose 60 lbs this year is too general and needs a more definitive response for each week or even each day rather than over such a broad expanse of time.
I think AA has a wonderful suggestion in living "one day at a time". If we do this we can forgive ourselves daily for the mistakes of yesterday and get up and start all over again. In this regard, each new day affords us the opportunity to start fresh and lose the half or so pound towards the greater goal of 60 pounds for the year. Do you see what I mean? We need more immediate goals that show immediate results.
As well, we will not give up as easily if we realize tomorrow we can still get up and lose the 8 ounces necessary to maintain some momentum for our yearly vision. I don't know about you but it is those momentary victories that keep sustaining me during the year as I work towards the final goal. When I am not walking in victory I must forgive myself for my little losses and that on a daily basis!
Along with the necessity for a focus on momentary causes and effects I believe we can't get too lazy in our actions but work at excellence. For this, I personally, need to pray a lot because I find as I have gotten older and have had defeats over the years that I have lost my passion that I had when I was younger.
This loss of zeal holds true for many areas including walking as an exercise, taking on new projects, keeping old friendships afire - what have you. Sometimes our past mistakes have made us lose that flame to do things with excellence. I, for one, perform, often times now, with a lacklustre attitude, if you know what I mean.
Lately, I see it in so many areas that it brings me to my knees more and more. It is a good place to be!
Keeping the Faith then means more than just not giving up but how much and what kind of effort we will put into anything. Start your list, is number one. Then focus on carrying it out from day to day. Thirdly, keeping the faith means doing it with passion that forgives instantly, gets back up, starts over and runs and not walks through your resolutions.
Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? Well, I guess it is. I suppose though if we really want something bad enough we will put our whole heart into it. We would all love to wave a magic wand and have every thing given to us. However, that would never build character nor ( I might add) would we feel very good about ourselves.
I guess the question I leave you with is: how much do you really want to write a book, lose weight, learn to fly or make a quilt?
One of my goals this year is to write a page or so each day in this blog. Can I do it? Yes, probably. Will I do it? Possibly not every day but then I can't beat myself up but get up and start all over tomorrow.
Enough said for tonight's entry. I will leave you to your lists!
I think AA has a wonderful suggestion in living "one day at a time". If we do this we can forgive ourselves daily for the mistakes of yesterday and get up and start all over again. In this regard, each new day affords us the opportunity to start fresh and lose the half or so pound towards the greater goal of 60 pounds for the year. Do you see what I mean? We need more immediate goals that show immediate results.
As well, we will not give up as easily if we realize tomorrow we can still get up and lose the 8 ounces necessary to maintain some momentum for our yearly vision. I don't know about you but it is those momentary victories that keep sustaining me during the year as I work towards the final goal. When I am not walking in victory I must forgive myself for my little losses and that on a daily basis!
Along with the necessity for a focus on momentary causes and effects I believe we can't get too lazy in our actions but work at excellence. For this, I personally, need to pray a lot because I find as I have gotten older and have had defeats over the years that I have lost my passion that I had when I was younger.
This loss of zeal holds true for many areas including walking as an exercise, taking on new projects, keeping old friendships afire - what have you. Sometimes our past mistakes have made us lose that flame to do things with excellence. I, for one, perform, often times now, with a lacklustre attitude, if you know what I mean.
Lately, I see it in so many areas that it brings me to my knees more and more. It is a good place to be!
Keeping the Faith then means more than just not giving up but how much and what kind of effort we will put into anything. Start your list, is number one. Then focus on carrying it out from day to day. Thirdly, keeping the faith means doing it with passion that forgives instantly, gets back up, starts over and runs and not walks through your resolutions.
Sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? Well, I guess it is. I suppose though if we really want something bad enough we will put our whole heart into it. We would all love to wave a magic wand and have every thing given to us. However, that would never build character nor ( I might add) would we feel very good about ourselves.
I guess the question I leave you with is: how much do you really want to write a book, lose weight, learn to fly or make a quilt?
One of my goals this year is to write a page or so each day in this blog. Can I do it? Yes, probably. Will I do it? Possibly not every day but then I can't beat myself up but get up and start all over tomorrow.
Enough said for tonight's entry. I will leave you to your lists!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Shredded Resolves
I spent the day yesterday taking down the Christmas tree and cleaning, moving furniture back into place, and helping my husband (just a little bit) prepare turkey dinner. He did most of the heavy work but I was exhausted from all the lifting and moving. I even managed to sew two curtains to fit into two glass doors. Our dog Molly managed to destroy the lace panels that hung there. Molly attempts to get at our upstairs cats that peer through the other side of these doors, slobbering as she does! I must say the cats aren’t there for long. Molly’s outrage at the nerve of these cats gets her jumping up and down on the lace curtains barking wildly. This usually sends the cats running back up to their abode on the second floor; fluffs of cat hair float down behind them landing like large snowflakes on the stairs! However, the effects of these antics also include the shredding of these lace enclosures!
Anyways, it seems in my preoccupations yesterday I forgot to make a list of my New Year’s resolutions. It is not like I haven’t thought about it because I have. Many of these resolves are older ones and were still fresh in my head this morning so I wrote a few of them down. As I look at them I realize the need for God’s mercy in addressing them all. Included this year of course, as always, is the need to get closer to God, my husband, and to help on a greater level in the assignment God has given me at the food bank/kitchen. As well, there are resolutions regarding looking after my body better which entail eating healthier (no sugars or breads!), taking a course on addictions, and walking daily.
Of course, I put the later down every year and each year I have good resolves and even lose a few pounds and successfully walk many miles in this endeavour. But each year somehow the sweets sneak back in during any excuse for a holiday, and the exercising disappears with the appearance of a rain drop, snow flake, or cold front.
Why am I telling you all this? I had to think for a second to answer that because I wasn’t sure myself. Then I was reminded of my previous article on keeping the faith. It dawned on me that I need to “keep the faith” not only in relationships but in looking after this body and any New Year resolves I may have. I have done these things year after year but perhaps keeping the faith suggests I keep at it and don’t give up. It is bigger than what I look at in the mirror; and that is not too small of a reflection! (Smile). Personal ambitions must include not only a desire, but actions, and trust in God. Somewhere it says “obedience is better than sacrifice”. We are the temple of the Holy Spirit and how we look after this body reflects on God. Sometimes I don’t reflect too well. Like the window where Molly jumps up and down and spits on with her big olive nose I, too, lose my shine. I need to clean up my act so I can be newly draped!
As I sit here today realizing my past failures I also recognize how God has blessed me over the years each time I have got back up and started all over again! My prayer for your and my resolutions is that along with our personal attempts to keep the faith we also see the mercy and grace of God. God is in the business of cleaning up our lives and gracing us with new garments of praise. That is where the hope must lie! So onward Christian soldiers …march off to war and keep the faith while you battle trusting God is with you! His mercy endures forever!
Anyways, it seems in my preoccupations yesterday I forgot to make a list of my New Year’s resolutions. It is not like I haven’t thought about it because I have. Many of these resolves are older ones and were still fresh in my head this morning so I wrote a few of them down. As I look at them I realize the need for God’s mercy in addressing them all. Included this year of course, as always, is the need to get closer to God, my husband, and to help on a greater level in the assignment God has given me at the food bank/kitchen. As well, there are resolutions regarding looking after my body better which entail eating healthier (no sugars or breads!), taking a course on addictions, and walking daily.
Of course, I put the later down every year and each year I have good resolves and even lose a few pounds and successfully walk many miles in this endeavour. But each year somehow the sweets sneak back in during any excuse for a holiday, and the exercising disappears with the appearance of a rain drop, snow flake, or cold front.
Why am I telling you all this? I had to think for a second to answer that because I wasn’t sure myself. Then I was reminded of my previous article on keeping the faith. It dawned on me that I need to “keep the faith” not only in relationships but in looking after this body and any New Year resolves I may have. I have done these things year after year but perhaps keeping the faith suggests I keep at it and don’t give up. It is bigger than what I look at in the mirror; and that is not too small of a reflection! (Smile). Personal ambitions must include not only a desire, but actions, and trust in God. Somewhere it says “obedience is better than sacrifice”. We are the temple of the Holy Spirit and how we look after this body reflects on God. Sometimes I don’t reflect too well. Like the window where Molly jumps up and down and spits on with her big olive nose I, too, lose my shine. I need to clean up my act so I can be newly draped!
As I sit here today realizing my past failures I also recognize how God has blessed me over the years each time I have got back up and started all over again! My prayer for your and my resolutions is that along with our personal attempts to keep the faith we also see the mercy and grace of God. God is in the business of cleaning up our lives and gracing us with new garments of praise. That is where the hope must lie! So onward Christian soldiers …march off to war and keep the faith while you battle trusting God is with you! His mercy endures forever!
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