The Three Evils

Mary sat, heavy at heart, before her computer. It was still night, for all intents and purposes. It was 4.05am. She had arisen at 3.36pm and sat crying and lamenting her behavior of these last days. There had been a silence from God after he had presented Mary with his two questions: Was she willing to let God do whatever it took? Did she even want healing?
She had said “yes” to both questions. She realized she could go on no longer yo-yoing back and forth like she was eating healthy for a while and then falling into the pit of despair after giving into her appetite. Of late, she recognized her unruly appetite included eating, spending and drinking. Give her a chocolate and she ate it. Give her a visa and she would reach its limit! Give her a bottle and she would polish it off.
And here she sat, this very night sitting in disgust at herself at having accomplished the feat of doing all three in one day! It had begun innocent enough. Mary had been delighted a few days earlier when her pastor had called for a time of fast and prayer. She was exhilarated because grace had always come to help her get back up off the addiction wagon where she had fallen off of. Grace had come and since Sunday she had felt good about avoiding those sweets that were her downfall. Actually, she had gone into withdrawal and been suffering with headaches during the day. However, at night she slept much better not being tormented by the sugar highs that left her body in sweats, tossing and turning and throwing the blankets off. As well, the sugar had tended to make her hands go numb and her fingers tingled; like it did last night.
Yes, Mary was not proud of it but greatly discouraged and disappointed in herself and very ashamed at herself. For three days she had done so well. Then Mary began to plan for Robin’s birthday which was on Wednesday. She made spare ribs and shrimp with fries. To make him feel real special she made a triple layer vanilla cake with vanilla pudding between the layers and vanilla icing on top. Oh, it was a beautiful cake.
In all this planning and celebration Mary spent more than she wanted to. Besides all her other spending lately she had bought Robin a guitar because she knew he needed something right now. He seemed to have the computer and his work. She knew he had played as a child and played by ear. Not everyone had that natural gift. Mary was not musically inclined. She admired anyone who was blessed with this gift. So she had spent the extra money so easily. The Visa card she had gotten again after a year of abstinence was steadily climbing to its maximum; as was the MasterCard. She kept telling herself: “what was one more purchase?”
What was one more purchase, or one more piece of cake? Each one steadily added to her fears of where this was all heading. Then when Robin had come home for his birthday dinner he had mentioned getting some wine. Mary had obediently gone to the liquor store and picked up a bottle of their favorite wine. They hadn’t had it for a long time. They had this wine at their wedding 7 years ago.
Dinner had been delicious, the rich dessert had been scrumptious and the wine had settled nicely leaving Mary warm all over. After dinner Mary went for a walk with their two dogs. It was a cold bitter night and a light snow was whipping across the street whirling around the new light posts that loomed up high above her like silent guards watching the night events.
Mary was just rounding the bend of the block when she met two local townspeople. They went to a local church which Mary had visited a few times. She talked to them daily during the summer when she walked her dogs by their house. They sat quietly on their porch smiling and cheery. The husband, Ron, often held their grey tabby cat on his lap. It was 15 years old.
Because of winter Mary hadn’t see much of either Ron or Josie. However, just today, Tim, at the Mission, mentioned they had to put their cat down. “Oh, gee” said Mary, “That poor cat was like a child to them”. Mary and Tim had shared a few words about the couple. She liked them both immensely. They were in their 60’s and quiet and good people. They would never harm a fly. Now here they stood before her.
Mary was reminded of their recent loss and said “I heard today that your cat died”. With that Josie lapsed into a long story of her grief. The poor little kitty had cancer. She was bleeding through the nose. Today, they finally made the decision and put her down. Such sadness in their faces revealed their grief. Mary would have walked on but Ron asked for Mary to pray for them both. They weren’t handling it well. Mary graciously agreed and suggested she pray now. She held their hands and, there, on the street, Mary said a short prayer for comfort and grace for the both of them. With a hug and a kiss she left them feeling glad she had met them; that is until later.
You see, once Mary got home she realized the couple might have smelt her breath, might have known she had a drink or two. What if they had? Did she disgrace the name of Jesus; take away from bringing him glory? Did she blacken her own name? Would word get around town about her? Oddly, these people came to the mission and helped out and ate there. So they had the same circle of acquaintances Mary had come to know.
Mary had sat disgusted at herself; not just for eating that rich cake of Robin’s, followed up with potato chips. (It seemed all the good effects of the last few days’ withdrawal were eaten up in this one night!) No, it was not just this addiction but worse the spending she had been doing was getting as out of hand as the eating. On top of these was the drinking. She just shook her head in loathing. Just today at the food bank she was proudly sharing how she never drank unless to help lift her or Robin’s spirit. It was scriptural, you see. Mary’s thoughts plagued her as she had lain in bed tossing and turning until she could stand it no longer.
She had got down on her knees, begun to pray and cry out. Why would God ever use her? What an embarrassment to Him. Mary began to wonder, though, if she wasn’t more worried about her reputation than what God looked like. After all, hadn’t the word she had gotten recently been that she had been self-pitying? Wasn’t self-pity tied up in ego and pride? Weren’t all three vices playing a role right now? Wasn’t this all about self rather than about God?
Mary wasn’t sure anymore and was confused. All she knew was that her life seemed to be out of control in so many areas. How long would this go on? Over the years she had gone on countless diets; even given her word to God. How good was her word!!!???
Then, as Mary sat there listening to a song about “amazing grace” she realized she had to look outside of herself and up to Him from whom all blessings flowed, to Him who was her help and salvation, to Him who had ransomed her and broken her ties of bondage. Mary must trust that God would help her.
Hadn’t it been His help 30 years ago that had delivered her from her drug addiction? “Yes, yes, it had,” Mary said to herself. It seemed so long ago. It had been the desperation of this drug addiction that had drawn Mary into a relationship with her Saviour. It had been the knowing she could not help herself that brought her to her knees back then. It was His mercy and grace that had brought her thus far. How had she forgotten? It used to be a part of her witness but with time it had faded. Had she become too good, built up in her own worthiness and forgotten what God had done? Not she, but He had delivered her. Not she, but He would do it again.
Mary also reminded herself that hadn’t God recently presented her with two questions. Weren’t these two questions indicative that God was willing to and would help Mary? All Mary had to do was say “Yes”. Mary had. Mary smiled to herself. Though painful this might be, perhaps the whole thing was part of the greater plan to heal Mary of these addictions once and for all.
Yes, Mary had to believe and would believe. Though discouraged at herself she knew she served an awesome God. Mary would not lose hope. Her hope was in Him, his unfailing love, and what He could do and not at what Mary attempted to do over and over again and failed miserably.
Though still heavy at heart at her failings, Mary gained strength from the fact that God was at work behind the scenes even today when she had fallen and even looked bad before that couple. “Dear Lord,” she prayed, “dear sweet Lord, “and she fell silent. She had no words, nothing to say. Mary knew it depended on what He was doing. He was doing “whatever” it took.