Answered Prayer

That evening Robin shared two pieces of information both unusual answers to the prayer concerning his job. When Mary picked up Robin she was delighted to hear that the person who had suggested Robin was losing one of the websites had come to him and apologized! He was not losing the one website. They were only going to change the logo for the site! That was good news! Secondly, somehow, someway Pastor Howie had entered on the scene and Robin had a heart to heart sharing about what was going on. Pastor Howie assured Robin they weren’t letting him go as he was too valuable a tool there. The news was a relief to both of them. Mary felt Robin now had someone there at the church to talk to. She would have to pray that this continued on a regular basis.
So the day ended on a wonderful note with this surprising and reassuring turn of events demonstrating to them both that God heard their prayer and had answered it!
This piece of information drew even more confidence from Mary that the financial seed they prayed over and had planted with God would bear a harvest as well. That might take a little longer because we all know that planting a seed and waiting for its plant to eventually bear fruit sometimes takes a long, long time. So Mary would wait and wait she did.

Changes Underfoot

At work the previous day tough news had come: Robin was going to lose some of his work responsibilities including the two websites. They said they were trying to lesson his load at the church. The latest report was that Robin could lose the second website because it wasn’t “youthful enough” according to one source. That morning on the drive into work Mary and Robin prayed for this situation. Perhaps God didn’t even want them to stay on. Maybe He had something else planned and staying there was preventing it from happening. Whatever was happening both felt threatened by the impact. So they had prayed.
This prayer superseded another prayer. It had come from a decision to give the rest of the money Mary’s ex had given her to the church. She had already tithed but a sermon at church the preceding Sunday convicted Mary that she needed to sew the rest of this gift as a seed. They had so many needs after all: a new kitchen, repair to the basement foundation, and a paved driveway which would help seal the ground near the outside of their home. This outside work would include changing the flow of the eave trough away from the corner of the house where the basement was always so wet and crumbling. All this would cost far more than the money they had left. But the Pastor’s words on Sunday encouraged the listener to plant a seed. Mary realized all the money was dissipating really fast as if they had holes in their pocket. It came to Mary that this money perhaps was going to bring more fruit – only if they planted it in God’s kingdom. Robin had agreed with her. Without delay, the very next day, Mary had written the check and Robin had given it to the person in charge of accounts.
Mary wondered to herself: “Was this all preparation for something else?” Would they be moving soon? They had already tried to sell the house twice without any success. Mary was tired of driving to Windsor for two round trips every day. She had asked Robin to get his license again but this request fell on deaf ears. Perhaps God was about to move or not. Perhaps it was all about learning to be content in all things. There seem to be a continual balancing act one played between moving forward and trusting God in staying put no matter what was happening. This was one of those situations where Mary had felt her hands were tied. She had no official job and didn’t feel she had any right to say anything much. Robin was working at the paying job. Her little counselling business was making a few dollars here and there but it would never provide for them. She loved her painting but the fruit of that endeavour was still taking its time. She had actually given up on it the year before. Few had sold here in her small town. However, the blessing and surprise came after she had given up painting, sold all her equipment, and sent her pictures up to her sister in Parry Sound. Her wiser, older, sister was a shrewd businesswoman and knew how to price the pictures. Within a few days most of them were sold! Mary was sure it had partially to do with the location. It was cottage country up there where people had a bit of money to decorate and fill their cottage with odd artefacts. Mary’s glass canvases would bring in all the sunny light of the north through their colourful lenses.
Mary had been encouraged and restocked her studio and opened it up again. It was even better than before and looked more professional albeit it was her sunroom she had transformed for the purpose. But she was satisfied. It was her place of escape and painting helped her deal with the problems at hand – perhaps by not dealing with them at all. It was alright though as she loved it. She was always looking for new inspiration to paint from. Her latest had come from an old, small, stained glass mirror. She had used the design on a two paned window adding black hearts and crystals to enhance the affect. Mary would have another showing this spring in her backyard of all her past winter’s efforts. It was still a bit cold to put them on display so Mary was going to paint a few more if she could. Hopefully, Mary would have success at her endeavour and not have to take any up to her sister’s place. But Mary didn’t mind if she had to because it would be fun to go up and see her sibling and spend time with her.
By the way, this dear sister, Theresa, who hadn’t been talking to her, blessed her with an email the day before. Mary was elated that somehow Theresa, or Tree, as Mary often referred to her, found it in her heart to forgive Mary for not being so faithful in emailing her. Mary would work the harder to overcome this fault.
Today it was going to be hard to do that though as an old friend from Vancouver, who was visiting mutual friends in Toronto, was coming out of her way down to visit Mary. Mary was excited about that and would enjoy catching up and perhaps hearing from God through her. God always worked in mysterious ways and perhaps this person was a godsend to speak into Mary’s life. Who knew? Whatever happened it would be fun to see her old friend, Mitzi again. Mary was off to prepare and clean a little more because with five cats there was always a coat of hair on every piece of furniture and every bedspread. So Mary’s morning would be busy. That was a good thing because she might get too caught up in what god was doing right now between what was transpiring at Robin’s work and the expectancy that God was going to work a miracle through the seed offering she and Robin had made.
Excitement was in the air, things were changing despite what she felt. And God did tell her He was making a covenant to always do good for her. So Mary would keep the faith and trust God. “Thank you, Lord, thank you,” Mary prayed in her heart as she got busy with her day. Good things were going to happen, yes, they were! Yes, they were! And so they did.

Maturation

Mary reflected upon the present moment questioning herself and perhaps God in His silent listening: what had gone wrong in those 10 years since their mother’s death? Mary’s relationship with her sisters had somehow gone sour. The tough times had been braved together but by one way or another since their mother’s departure Mary’s affiliation with all three siblings was like the ebb and fro of a tidal wave! At present, the water was calm but hid the undercurrent of troubles that had come to separate them.
What was most surprising to Mary was the fact that she couldn’t put her finger on any one thing. It was the accumulation of small arguments and words spoken between them. Mary had grown up since her mother’s death. It had been leaving Toronto, starting a new life in the Windsor area, and marrying her present husband Robin that was the catalysts to this growth. Her maturation came from having to look after herself. She had sold her place in Toronto where she had lived most of her life, packed all her belongings, hired movers, and ventured out to this new land.
Once in her new home and married to Robin Mary found she was now in the driver’s seat. Her familiar role of being taken care of by her ex husband and her older siblings no longer had a hold on Mary. Distanced by time and space had created a soul a little hardened to holding on to family at all.
She was out here on her own. Mary’s mother and her ex husband (both ties that held her bound to a certain way of thinking and acting) were now gone and so were their two voices of authority. Seven years of university, as well, had aged her. The accumulated losses forced on Mary the realization that she was no longer the “baby” to be looked after. She was on her own. Oh, yes, her siblings were still there, albeit remotely. They did not seem to understand she could no longer play the role of the youngest – even if she wanted to. Her new role forced her to stand up for herself. She was making her own decisions and it hurt her greatly when family tried to keep her in the same dysfunctional position of the helpless one. In the process, she upset them.
Of course, breaking free from this past indictment came at a price to everyone. She had tried to cut the ties completely because she felt it would be less painful. However, as time passed her loneliness got the better of her and she reached out to them again. Unfortunately, Mary’s attempts at being received as an adult and making her own choices were not met with the greatest enthusiasm!
Mary didn’t have any solution. She could no longer fight back and stopped fighting for herself. She had let go. Both sisters had stopped communicating to her via email. It seemed to Mary that one was upset because Mary didn’t email enough. The other had stopped because Mary wanted to be respected and loved for her own opinion and decision making. Mary felt she was not. In each email that her sibling had written were advice and instruction. Mary felt partially guilty for this because she shared so much of herself in her emails. Like a teenager growing up Mary needed their support but really wanted to make her own decisions. However, she was not looking for advice just someone to love and accept her as she was but that was not what was happening.
The darkness of early morning was dissipating into the first light as Mary sat looking out. She was disappointed at life and the response it gave to her as she tried to walk in this role of womanhood. Life was not a bowl of cherries and she found out maturation had a cost; not everyone would like you for it. Breaking free of old familiar roles and creating boundaries came at a price. It had started that fatal day she said “no more” to her ex husband in her desire to be heard and respected. Not only had the marriage ended that day but so did the role of little girl who for so long had no voice. At least that was her perception.
Whatever her siblings and friends felt was not always clear. One thing was: Mary could not go back. She was who she was; a compilation of her childhood, her first marriage, and a drive to be set free. It saddened her, not who she had become but that she was not accepted for this person she was now. She admitted she had grown up in an angry home, lived through an angry marriage, and was now dealing with her own anger. Mary had learned a great truth in one of her courses in university: the abused becomes the abuser. Mary fought it with all she was worth. Every day was a struggle to live a balanced life of a mature adult and deafening the indignation that rose up in her against her past.
Mary realized her life would be far worse if not for the prayer and support of those around her, even this family who distanced themselves from her. God was a big part of her existence and each day He continued to rebuild the ancient ruins of Mary’s life. After all, He was faithful who promised, that she knew! As for her family, all things were possible with God and Mary knew God was at work despite what she saw!
Looking out at the rain that kept falling Mary knew that beneath that damp cold day lay a warm spring. It always came and God would too. He always showed up. She had called out to Him in her helplessness. Mary smiled at the irony of that thought; God was growing her up into a woman but she would always be His little girl reaching out to Him, her Abba, daddy in her needs. “So much for maturity” Mary laughed to herself and was amused even more when she thought of her two cabinets of tiny porcelain dolls. “How grown up was that!?” Mary said to no one in particular and perhaps only to the silent people peeking from behind the cabinet doors. This growing up was tough, Mary thought, real tough.

Their Mother's Last Days

Looking upon her face, lying there, awaiting her destiny that swept her up into eternity,
We saw there a glimpse of that blessed, peaceful state in eyes that swallowed you into their calmness, their beckoning like pools of liquid love that embraced you in acceptance.
Days earlier mother’s fretting stopped replaced by this placid paradise of serenity.
Who can explain it?
Only the ones who looked and loved their mother

Days of embracing her, washing her, caressing her, now, open, accepting arms - like a new born child unable to speak but watching you closely, the one you love.
Sitting beside her, her every word held in your heart, the blessing finally comes.
You hold her hand; you touch her, want to be beside her, to lie there with her as she sleeps - your mother

Only the years will erase the pain but never this memory of God’s gift:
Her love finally given without cost, awaiting you each time you arrive to possess the loveliness of love.
You and your sister hold her to you, from one to the other as you bathe her and wash her back and clean her bottom - something you have never seen - once so private now so open to all of love - your mother

The nephew comes amidst cries and sighs.
He watches the scene, his aunts and mother, their tears wash into his own soul and he merges as one with them observing her, - his granny.
A gift she gives to this one grandson, one last time, a gesture from her heart.
And she lies there, having touched him so, and the daughters, three, - this, their mother.

And in those early hours of the final day she crosses herself over and over praying for IT to come and the chorus of her family, like angels, repeat over and over their Pater Nosters and their Hail Marys, helping their mother go to the next level where her faith has led her - home.
And the youngest, sitting there, observes her mother’s breathing slow, become heavier and heavier, and now this child weeps and cries as she watches and says her last “goodbyes”, and her sibling enters, shocked, uttering, “she’s dead” - their mother.
Crying begins, horrific howls, and beckonings, to return, one sobbing upon the other, one wrestling with love as well as un-love
And angry words of grief rebel are silenced by love’s tether.
The sister on the phone joins the mournful lament as she listens to their distant wails.
Though she is gone and taken from them she lives on in their memories of her eyes: blue pools of love, as one saw them - their mother.

And upon her bed, as the sisters’ watch, one last gift is given them - the worry wrinkles leave her face, and low and behold, a shining angel alights on her, her hair shines, too, with a youthful dew captured by these moments when all the past is left behind and eternal peace finally falls upon - their mother..

Now she’s gone but not forgotten for those memories live on within in their heart and each holds dear
a special moment with her- their mother.
Where bitterness once brewed within their bosom now resides only these memories of a radiant face that looked upon each one, arms that beckoned, and love that lingered but now reclines in a heavenly place but still they remember, will always remember that time – their mother’s last days.

Flashbacks toTheir Mother's Last Days

Life has a funny way of distracting us from our preoccupations. It had been nothing out of the ordinary that day that changed Mary’s train of thought from focusing on the purchase of her first vehicleback in 1988. It was something quite common actually. That day had been a long day filled with driving Robin back and forth to work, going to a prayer meeting in the morning, and seeing clients in the afternoon. Mary finally felt the weight of her weariness as she sat down that evening to watch a popular series on TV. Engrossed in the storyline a flashback to Mary’s own past came by way of one dying man asking another man to pray the “Hail Mary” with him. Tears came to Mary’s eyes as she recalled her own mothers last waking moments before she went into that unconsciousness state that preceded death.
It was a beautiful experience which Mary had written about in a poem after her mom’s demise. Mary’s mother had fallen and broken her hip December first, 2000. After a surgery and the short lived hopeful beginnings of recovery her mother had taken a turn for the worst. It was December 30th, early in the morning, with her family surrounding her that Mary Helen asked her children to pray with her. Mary stood between her siblings holding hands, praying, and crying as her mother went into a litany of the rosary with her family. Suddenly their mother was no longer present with them, had stopped praying, and in a few short hours would be gone from them forever. She was departed but had not been forgotten for here resided Mary reliving those precious last hours. She recalled sitting there waiting, feeling honoured when her mother’s last breaths came, and Mary caught a glimpse of eternity in her mother’s face.
It had been amazing to watch and see all the pain and wrinkles disappear from her skin. At 86, her mother’s face had been very wrinkled but in death it had shone like the complexion of an 18 year old and her hair which had not been washed for a few days now took on a lustre and glow that highlighted her countenance like a halo. Mary had felt like she had, just for a moment, stepped into eternity with her mother. It was the most awesome experience interrupted only by the presence of her sister, Martha, who had come back into the room after a brief reprieve. Martha had stared down at her sister and her mother watching the scene of silence. Mary had only looked up and heard her sister say,” She’s dead.”
Within minutes doctors and nurses came to fill the room and announce what the two sisters already knew. Then Mary’s brother, Joe, and his wife Bernadette who had carried the burden of staying with Mary at the hospital the last month came forth and joined in the tears that had begun to flow.
The whole drama became eerily nightmarish when the nurses came to clean the body of their mother. But the howls which were aroused from deep within Mary came at the sight of the tag they put on her mother’s toe. It was an uncontrollable grief which started and seemed to have no end.
Bernadette had gone to see if she could get some medicine to help and a nurse returned with a wheelchair to take Mary away. She felt betrayed and looked angrily at her sister-in-law who apologized profusely realizing the error the nurse had made. After what seemed hours Mary had quieted down. It was dark outside now, and Mary and her family sat in an empty room. Her mother’s body was no longer there. She was gone. Yet the memories of those days were neatly bundled within her heart and in the poem that came forth inspired by the witness of God’s love in her mother’s last days.

The Visits

Actually the car’s financial history didn’t begin in a vacuum but came from an unusual source. In retrospect, it was this event that precipitated the purchase of the car. You might appear puzzled at this point but what happened only verified how God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform!
It all started a few months into 1988. Spring was beginning to rouse its pretty head with the bulbs of the season already sprouting green and showing their flowery colours. The smells of the hyacinth filled the air, the bees had begun to buzz, and the Robin’s nest was already well underway in the spruce tree in front of Mary’s house. It was a Friday. There was nothing unusual about this day. Mary had been at work when the call came.
Martha, her sister, and her husband and three children were coming to Toronto for a visit. They were going to be at one of those big swanky hotels out at the airport strip; one of those ones that you didn’t always get a chance to see the inside of but you knew had awesome swimming pools, warm saunas, and whirlpools to ease your weary bones. It didn’t take much for Mary and Peter to accept the invitation to come up for a swim that Friday night at the hotel. It would be lots of fun.
Mary and Peter came home from work and hurriedly dressed for their visit. The airport was about a half hour from their home in Etobicoke. Mary had told Martha she would be up around 7pm. It was six now. Being a Friday Mary had all her cash from her weekly deposit from her store in her purse. She had not made it to the bank. Back in the 80’s people still used night machines outside their financial institutions so Mary and Peter’s plan was to deposit the money on their return from the hotel. At the time debit cards were not yet in use and cash was the main monetary transaction of the day, at least for Mary’s business.
As they were leaving the house to go Mary stopped and picked up her purse with her deposit in it. Peter looked at the purse in her hand and said, “You better leave that here. Someone might steal it while we are swimming in the pool.” Mary never thought anymore of it and dropped her purse on the small dresser near the bed.
The evening had been so much fun and the pool water had been warm like soup. It was always a delight to see her sister, Martha and her girls. Her husband Bill was a comedian at heart and always kept Mary laughing but Martha, her sister, was not always so amused anymore by her husband after 3 children and 17 years of marriage. Mary had a special respect for this family.
It was not only that they offered her so much love each time they came up for a visit but it was the special history that developed from Mary’s own tragic past. You see, Mary had been a drug addict. It had begun years earlier when Mary and Peter were first married. It came out of Mary’s pain as she dealt with feeling unloved, rejected, and topped with Mary’s struggle over her weight gain. Diet pills and Valium became her lifestyle. When the headaches started as a result of these medications Mary’s habit progressed into high doses of Percodan to help her cope. Mary was not proud of this and hid it from everyone including her ex husband.
However, the point of this discussion is to relay to the reader the special bond Mary had with Martha, Bill, and the kids. Before Martha’s third child had been born Mary was drowning in this addiction. Horrible, frightening hallucinations had begun to scare Mary. At that time Mary remembered the visit of Bill and Martha to Toronto and a tiny apartment Mary had moved into. It was a nice little bachelor Mary had escaped to after three years of marriage to Peter. At that time Mary could not deal any longer with the pain of that relationship and egged on by the false courage the pain medicine gave her Mary had moved out. It lasted for all of 5 months.
It was during that time away Mary recalled Martha, Bill, and their two tiny children’s visit up to see her. She could still see them all standing in a circle holding hands. Mary held them all so tightly out of fear and desperation as her sister, Martha and husband, Bill prayed for her. Mary was the center of the prayer. In her distress Mary had divulged to her sister what she was struggling with. At the time, both Martha and Bill were young Christians on fire with the Lord. Bill was a bit of an evangelist powerfully witnessing when and where he could. He was in his element at this moment and loved the fact he could pray for his sister-in-law Mary. Martha, always the lady, as her name implied, was a gentle spirit who could read the depths of a person’s pain.
It was a gift that Mary wasn’t sure Martha knew she had. It grew out of Martha’s own painful past. Martha’s gift of compassion and sensitivity to the emotional pain of her sister was the tool God used to allow Mary to open up to her sister.
The prayer that ended that visit so long ago back in 1978 was the other implement God used to help Mary. Because Mary lived in Toronto and her sister lived in Buffalo Mary had no one to turn to except her ex at that time. It might seem as a mistake to the reader that Mary went back to the person that agitated her emotional state and egged Mary into taking drugs but at the time Mary saw no other avenue out.
At that time her ex husband, although not too eager to allow her into his heart again, did allow her back home. Out of his even bigger heart Peter took control and sought the avenues of medical help Mary needed.
As Mary sat reflecting back on all this she realized how good God had been to her back then. She recognized Peter’s gift as a caretaker came out during this period to get Mary the help she needed. But most of all she remembered with great warmth her sister’s love for her that was demonstrated that day. Mary was sure her sister’s prayers did not end there but that she and her family probably prayed for her long after their visit ended.
So the invitation to the hotel and to the pool that night, years later in 1988, was a delight for Mary. Her sister’s love and non- judgemental air bathed Mary with warmth that came only from heaven above. Nurtured by this love and that of her three children Mary was more than excited to spend time laughing and playing with her sibling and children.
The swim was over much too soon and Mary hugged her sister and family longingly. Having no children over her own Mary felt the tug of her heart to spend more time with them. It was not to be and so Mary and Peter departed the hotel a little sad but happy for the time spent with family.

However, the joy of the evening was soon displaced by what met them at home. Peter had pulled into the driveway that night and both he and Mary got out of the car unaware of any problem. Peter unlocked the front door and both he and Mary stood there looking at the scene at hand. They had French doors that separated their kitchen area form the dining area and both doors were off their hinges leaning against the wall!
No words passed between them as they walked through the hallway joining this area to their back bedrooms. It was here the worst mess met them. Clothes were thrown all over as every dresser drawer had been emptied on the floor and bed. Peter looked at Mary and said,” see if you can find your purse”. But Mary knew there would be no purse. In fact, if it weren’t for that purse filled with money it might have been might much worse for them. The intruders had found the purse, no doubt, sitting visibly on the nightstand and went no further then the bedroom. Although all the doors had been damaged in the attempts to break in and there was some jewellery missing there were no other losses.
The robbers had made a quick in and out as Mary and Peter had only been gone three hours! Entry had been achieved through the old milk box at the side of the house. The sliding glass doors of the living room and one the side door had been tampered with and damaged but other than that nothing was harmed. The French doors had been taken of their hinge for some unearthly reason that neither Mary nor Peter could figure out.
Mary had phoned Martha, at the hotel, almost immediately after the phone call to the police. Martha and Bill had been very sympathetic; the insurance people even more so. They were old friends of Mary’s ex-husband and had always been there for them. This time was no different. Although they could do nothing to compensate for the lost money they were more than generous for reimbursement of the jewellery and the damaged entry ways.
Mary remembered the day Peter came home with the check from the insurance people. She couldn’t believe it: all in all they gave Mary and Peter a check for over $6,000! The adjuster had left it up to Mary and Peter to fix the damage done in the robbery. Most of the work was minimal and not that costly to repair. Some things were never repaired. The jewellery items that had disappeared were accessories neither of them even wore anymore. The funny thing was that Mary had left her gold wedding rings at home that night on the dresser. However, the thieves seemed to have missed them sitting there plainly on the dresser! Mary thought perhaps the robbers assumed her rings were only silver because they were made of white gold.
In the end, what looked like a tragedy was used for good. “Why?” you might ask. Mary saw it all as the hand of God working on her behalf. You see, reader, Mary had no money to speak of to purchase that car she wanted. This robbery supplied some money to help in the transaction. It was the financial aid and impetus to encourage Mary in her battle to achieve her dream. More importantly, it was the initial experience that built Mary’s faith up regarding God’s word that “all things work together for good for those who trust God”.

The Car

Thoughts came tumbling back to Mary, triggered by a recent incident with her present husband, Robin. It was an odd thing how God had provided such a different life this time - one so opposite from her first marriage. Robin was gentle and kind. Mary’s first husband had a gentle side too but it was always hidden by this bear of a man possessed with his personal demons and ready to attack. Mary realized in this present life she felt like the big ogre she left behind. She felt crazed by the same fiend as her ex.
There were many present areas of her life that Mary felt like she was experiencing life on the “other side. For instance, the recent confrontation with Robin was familiar to Mary because in her previous marriage she had been walking in Robin’s shoes. Presently, the issue was over Robin driving a car again and the fears for both of them this entailed. Way back when Mary was in her mid 30’s the issue had been about her driving and buying a car. It was one thing to learn to drive but when it came to purchasing a vehicle the challenge was like going through torture. Mary realized now it was not only Peter, her ex, who was facing his demons but Mary who had to overcome her fears of her husband if she was ever to have any freedom whatsoever. At the time she didn’t realize she might be getting set free only that she had a license for over 10 years but had no car.
Mary had run a business for 7 years and had to depend on her ex to drive her around for all the store’s needs. It seemed that one day, out of the blue, she had got this weird notion in her head to get a vehicle. Mary couldn’t recall where the idea came from but she wanted a car.
When it all began Mary would have been happy with a piece of junk from the garbage dump. However, the more Peter fought her on it and delayed in supporting her in this issue the bigger her dream became. Her friend, Sharon, at that time walked with Mary through the agony of dealing with the attacks on her person. She was her biggest support and encouragement to continue on with what seemed an insane idea.
You know most people think physical abuse is so horrible because they can see the bruises but worse is the emotional scars left by verbal attacks. Over and over they are blown upon a soul yet the morning after no one sees the disfigurement. Verbal abuse leaves its toll. Once it is over, finally over, the wounded spirit comes away relieved and thinking they are free. Hardly. Dealing with these blows becomes a full time battle after one is freed from this captivity. One is never the same and the life after this death triggers responses daily because the individual no longer trusts, no longer believes, and always is concerned for their self-preservation.
Getting back to the episode at hand Mary‘s dream for a car grew began innocently enough with the hope of buying a car, any car but developed into a vision that God put within her. It was a view of a little white car. Mary’s vision wasn’t too clear as to the model or make. All she knew was that it was white and small. Then one day she saw it. It came after weeks of constant battle that moved Mary’s husband from granting her a wish for a car, per see, to a car that would cost $16,000.
It was not the car Mary envisioned though. It was the vehicle Peter was willing to purchase. When Mary finally saw the object of her desires it scared her to even mention it to her husband. She was right to be afraid. The price tag on this small white Volkswagen Cabriolet was $22,000! That was a lot for a car in 1988!
Mary would have settled for anything but she knew God had put this dream in Mary. She had been a Christian for 7 years by this time and her relationship with God had grown to the point that she knew when she heard God. She knew, too, what she had to do. She had to be obedient. How could she argue with the dream God put in her? Oh she was afraid, so very afraid. She had seen Peter angry before but when this car idea came into her “silly little head” he had become possessed. His eyes would bulge, his face grew red, and he would throw all the venom within him at her. Her names became familiar ones that stayed with her throughout the marriage. These “endearments” branded her subconscious and constantly were used by Satan to condemn her and remind her of her worthlessness. How dare she want a car? How dare she think she deserved anything?
Back then Mary was like a little seedling just peeping it’s pretty Christian head above the soil. She was like a little bird of unknown species. She had as yet to learn her class. She was frightened and insecure already as an individual and her ex’s words beat down upon the soil Mary was growing in. What would survive from this?
Mary did. Yes, she did, albeit, a different person then anyone would have imagined or she herself. She had fought the good fight, put up with his screaming matches though frozen in fear doing it – yet she never gave up her dream. So after a while, a very long while of the tirades he finally gave in and one fine day in the spring of 1988 they drove into a dealership out in east end of Toronto and came away with this small white dream.
Looking back now Mary reflected on the Pastor’s recent words to stop looking at what she did wrong in her past and look instead to what God did right. At the time Mary could only see she had triumphed and gotten her car. At the time she was too lost in the moment to realize the bigger picture of what God was doing. Mary was becoming a woman; a woman who could speak up for herself, who began to face her fears, and had not run. Now she could see, as well, how she had grown to trust God more and more through this experience. Psalm 91 came to mind and was a constant refuge for her back then. She realized she had been hidden in the shadow of the Almighty, protected by His wings, and rescued from all the terrors of the night!
Mary’s thought rested on what God had done right through the experience with purchasing that car. She smiled to herself for the story with the car didn’t end with its procurement. No, the car became a tool God used in the next 8 years to show Mary who God was and that “all things work together for good for those who trust God”. Mary smiled at this thought. The dream of the car and it's purchase were only half of the joyful ride Mary went on with God involving this little “bug”. But that dear reader is left for the next instalment in this saga.

Self Preservation

What was it Pastor Rick had said that last Wednesday night? Mary thought to herself; it had hit home and stayed with her. His topic was miracles but his sermon ended up being about faith. It never occurred to Mary that going to church that night would be such an eye opener. In fact, Mary hadn’t intended to go to church at all. If it wasn’t for a needy friend who had cancer and wanted to go Mary would have never gone. In fact, the first week in this series of sermons on miracles Mary had missed going. Her friend had asked her to go to the service last week but she had said no as she already was doing two round trips to the church every day to drop off and pick up her husband Robin.
However, God had convicted her during the following week about what it was to love those around her and to be an example. Mary, felt lately God was asking her to be obedient despite what it might mean or what she might think. Her thought life had gone overboard with “stinking thinking”, as Joyce Meyer called it. Mary never thought stinking thinking had anything to do with obedience but God showed her that to be obedient meant not trying to figure out how things would work out. Mary was just to do what God asked. God had already showed her with her visit to the dentist that trusting God meant going no matter what she thought or felt. Boy, had her imaginations been wrong about what would happen at the dentist. It had been an awesome experience and Mary learned she had to get past how she felt or what she thought.
Now here was Pastor Rick sharing about the need for faith to obtain miracles. However, faith meant not analyzing things to death. In fact, faith was all about trust. Pastor Rick had gone on and on not meaning to spend so much time on this topic but God knew what he was doing. The sermon was tailored for Mary and afterwards Mary found out others were affected by it as well. However, it was that one liner that stuck with Mary and was a sore spot to deal with. Pastor Rick, octaned by the Holy Spirit, had shouted out that there was some out there who spent too much time thinking about “what they did wrong instead of what God had done right”. It was huge! Mary realized her negative thought life had been her downfall. She knew however, that the tendency for abused people – out of preservation- was to try to figure out things, analyze the situation, and prepare every move just to be safe. It came with the territory of getting “caught” in the past. It came with trying to prevent the same thing from happening again.
Unfortunately, this over analysis often affected being obedient. You see, if the abused person figures out they will somehow get hurt they find it hard to do what God asks them to do. It’s all about protecting oneself. All the good intentions of the world disintegrate when faced with being obedient and thinking one is going to get hurt. The key word is “thinking” because most of the problem is not with what is actual but with what the imagination creates.
Just this past week Mary had experienced a double blessing because she decided to be obedient despite what she thought. The first blessing had been to go to the service despite the drive. The pastor’s words had relayed to Mary the need to stop looking at her failures and focus on what God had done. The next blessing came with saying “yes” to an invitation by Mary’s mentor, Diane, to go to the ladies prayer meeting at the church the next morning.
God was very gentle and the women were all kind in not jumping upon her when she arrived, after all she was the stranger that day, the unexpected guest. Another day someone might not be so lucky and might be overwhelmed by too much kindness! Mary couldn’t handle that kind of suffocation and was glad when they got right to prayer and praise. Boy was Mary blessed by that. If she had given into the thoughts of “what might happen” she might not have gone. But here she was and Mary received two messages. One was a confirmation of what God had been showing her, that Mary had been hiding and that despite what she did to protect herself by hiding if a flood came it wouldn’t matter if Mary was hiding! She would have to trust God! The other message was tied to this and it was taken from Psalm 91. It was clear to Mary was she was not to be afraid but focus on who God was and had always been in her life – her refuge and strength! God was and would always be her refuge and strength. Looking back would be an important thing for Mary to do; not to look at what she had done wrong but what God had done right. Yes, Mary would have to do this as Mary had recently surrendered the whole past and all its pain to God, released it to Him and sewn it as a seed. To receive a harvest Mary knew maybe, just maybe, she needed to look back and see all the good God had done. Yes, yes, yes, Mary repeated to herself, she would do this, yes she would.

A Cigar is Just a Cigar

The day had begun as usual with the drive in to Windsor to drop Robin, Mary’s husband, off at work. This morning Mary planned to have coffee with Diane afterwards. Mary needed an ear to bounce her thoughts off of because she was having trouble deciding to go back to the old food bank. Mary was concerned about whether or not it was a good idea to invest time there. She didn’t really want to go backwards and felt that is what she would be doing if she volunteered there again. But God had put it on her heart through encouragements of others to go there.
Diane was more than helpful. As a result, Mary decided to go back to the food bank. Her visit with Diane brought the great revelation that she needed to just take a step of faith and go for a visit and see what transpired. It was not to be with the intention of volunteering again but allowing God to work out what He was trying to show her. It was like going to the dentist, Mary realized. She needed to go even if that tooth was alright. Mary would never have found out if there was anything wrong with that tooth if she hadn’t of gone back. It turned out an un-painful event. All her fears had been for naught!
Despite all Mary’s fears of embarrassment, rejection, and shame at returning to the food bank she knew she had to go out of obedience to what God was putting on her heart. She could not let her fears motivate her. Mary would have to go for a visit. She and Diane had discussed over coffee the possibilities of what her involvement back there would mean. In the end, they both agreed that Mary would never know what God had in mind unless she went.
Mary was blessed that day because Diane offered to go in with her as moral support after their coffee. The thought of that was such a relief to Mary. She would not have to face her demons alone. The visit turned out to be an awesome show of love. All the women Mary had grown to care for greeted her with open arms and kind words. All of them wanted to go for coffee or have lunch at sometime in the future.
Mary left with no decision to go back. In fact, she felt the visit was just that, a visit, nothing more and God had just asked her to go and be obedient. Diane had been instrumental in this obedience and Mary thanked her profusely. It was a good morning and Mary realized sometimes she allowed her imaginations of what God expected of her to get in the way of her being obedient. Mary almost allowed her fears of what might come to prevent her from going to the food bank. Mary was so grateful. She had gleaned and stored a whole mountain of love in her soul from that visit as well as promises of future lunch dates.
Sitting, reflecting on it later, Mary realized if God was ever to use her she had to be obedient and not try to figure out what God was doing. Casting down all imaginations was so important; it seemed to Mary because sometimes, yes, sometimes like today a cigar was just a cigar!