Mary woke up with a start from her deep sleep. She had to get a move on! It was 2.30 in the afternoon and she still hadn’t made the salad or taken the brush to the town yard. Sylvia had asked her to go earlier and Mary was glad of that after the fact. When they drove up to the site there was a long line of cars filled with tree branches and what have you from the recent tornado the town had experienced.
Mary and Sylvia had time to chit chat while they waited for their turn. Mary shared with Sylvia her news about the cottage. Sylvia was quiet when Mary told her that they would have to sell their house to buy it. Sylvia responded: “I’m going to miss you two”. Mary felt the awkward silence of not knowing what to say and could only agree she would miss her too.
After their jaunt to the dump Mary and Sylvia said their goodbyes and Mary prepared to go and pick up Robin. It was later, after dinner, while they waited for the real estate agents that they shared their concerns over buying this place. Would it be big enough? Where would they put all this stuff they had? Would they have to downsize? There were more questions than answers. However, the conversation passed the time and before you knew it both Maxine and her husband Paul showed up at their door.
The couple were a good team and Paul who had shown them the house originally was a broker so took charge of the procedures. He went through everything thoroughly and managed to clarify a rather technical document with ease. Mary was impressed. He was gifted in this area and she could see he loved doing it. While going over the papers Paul was able to share a little bit about himself. They were both church goers and humble people who didn’t broadcast their faith like a flag on a pole.
Mary admired this aspect because she knew too many christians that forgot they were human and had a life. These two did not. They seemed well balanced. While talking Paul shared he had been in an accident. He drove a motorcycle and one night a deer ran into him! Paul never knew what hit him! But he wondered why God kept him alive. Mary responded that perhaps it was for this moment in time to help her and Robin. Later after the couuple left Mary realized the truth of these words. Paul was a very special gifted man in an area Mary and Robin needed help most. Unlike the other realtors who had come to their house none impressed them as much as this man.
This interaction reassured Mary that God was at work unfolding his plan and using the right people to bring it all to fruition. It seems their timing was also right on as Maxine shared that all this week many couples had been through the cottage with other agents! As yet no one had put an offer in. However, to Mary it seemed a good thing she listened to God’s message from her dream and the scripture passage. Now the contract had been signed, a date set, and all they had to do was wait.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Dreams and Decisions
Mary woke up the next morning from an exciting dream. In it she found bag after bag of coins worth $100’s of dollars. Included in the bags were casino coins. God showed her the next day that “money was to be found from gambling”! Mary realized that she needed to take a gamble right now! She and Robin were to take the opportunity of buying this cottage. It seemed this was a chance of a lifetime they needed to take and not delay because the scripture God gave her was from Ecclesiastes 9:11
“The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong,
Nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant
Or favour to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.”
In the NLT the last sentence is translated
Later that morning on the ride into Windsor Mary shared her dream and its meaning with Robin. Robin just listened and said little. Later at home Mary found a message on her machine. It was the banker! Mary returned her call quickly and was told she had to begin negotiations to see where the sellers stood. The banker was not willing to give them a separate loan but they would have to sell their house to purchase this one. She would give them a bridge of a month during which time Mary and Robin could fix up the cottage. It certainly would need at least a month before the place was liveable. Wiring had to be changed, a furnace installed, insulation put in, painting, and whatever else it needed. Mary knew it would be a long process but the bridge would be a great asset to have.
After her conversation with the financier Mary phoned Robin. He was very positive and told Mary to phone the real estate agent right away. So Mary made another phone call and talked to the realtor. It turns out the agent, Maxine, had lost her mom three weeks ago so the conversation somehow drifted to her death. This was familiar ground to Mary and she could commiserate with Maxine because she had been through the grieving process already. It was a very good thing.
Mary and Maxine decided on the details of the agreement over the phone, the agent would prepare it, and would be coming tonight for their signatures on the contract. After she hung up Mary realized her house was a sight! She would have to clean. And clean she did.
By the time she had finished it was after 1pm in the afternoon. She sat back on the couch exhausted from the work but satisfied it was presentable for company. Mary had to make a salad for dinner and then take some leaves and branches to the town dump afterwards. There would be little time to read her book on co-dependency today, she realized. She wasn’t too excited about it anyways because chapter 8 was all about admitting who you hurt and making amends. “Ugh”, thought Mary, “that can wait”!
Leaving thoughts of the book behind Mary focused on the present duties before her and left the worse until last! She couldn’t wait until tonight and couldn’t wait for the response. Apparently, there were three sisters who were selling their parents estate. One of them lived further away and so it might take a couple days for a response. Mary smiled to herself; it was oddly familiar to Mary. She and her two sisters had been a tightly knit stocking during and after their mother’s illness. One of them lived down in Tucson and so a lot of their conversations were long distance.
Old memories started popping up. Mary decided to take a quick nap and as she lay her head down she felt herself drifting back to those old days until she slowly eased into a deep, deep, sleep.
“The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong,
Nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant
Or favour to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.”
In the NLT the last sentence is translated
“It is being in the right place at the right time.”Mary was more than excited and she didn’t want to miss this prospect at what seemed to be a divine opportunity. Everything had happened so nonchalantly at first but now things seemed to require some quick action. They needed to strike while the iron was hot.
Later that morning on the ride into Windsor Mary shared her dream and its meaning with Robin. Robin just listened and said little. Later at home Mary found a message on her machine. It was the banker! Mary returned her call quickly and was told she had to begin negotiations to see where the sellers stood. The banker was not willing to give them a separate loan but they would have to sell their house to purchase this one. She would give them a bridge of a month during which time Mary and Robin could fix up the cottage. It certainly would need at least a month before the place was liveable. Wiring had to be changed, a furnace installed, insulation put in, painting, and whatever else it needed. Mary knew it would be a long process but the bridge would be a great asset to have.
After her conversation with the financier Mary phoned Robin. He was very positive and told Mary to phone the real estate agent right away. So Mary made another phone call and talked to the realtor. It turns out the agent, Maxine, had lost her mom three weeks ago so the conversation somehow drifted to her death. This was familiar ground to Mary and she could commiserate with Maxine because she had been through the grieving process already. It was a very good thing.
Mary and Maxine decided on the details of the agreement over the phone, the agent would prepare it, and would be coming tonight for their signatures on the contract. After she hung up Mary realized her house was a sight! She would have to clean. And clean she did.
By the time she had finished it was after 1pm in the afternoon. She sat back on the couch exhausted from the work but satisfied it was presentable for company. Mary had to make a salad for dinner and then take some leaves and branches to the town dump afterwards. There would be little time to read her book on co-dependency today, she realized. She wasn’t too excited about it anyways because chapter 8 was all about admitting who you hurt and making amends. “Ugh”, thought Mary, “that can wait”!
Leaving thoughts of the book behind Mary focused on the present duties before her and left the worse until last! She couldn’t wait until tonight and couldn’t wait for the response. Apparently, there were three sisters who were selling their parents estate. One of them lived further away and so it might take a couple days for a response. Mary smiled to herself; it was oddly familiar to Mary. She and her two sisters had been a tightly knit stocking during and after their mother’s illness. One of them lived down in Tucson and so a lot of their conversations were long distance.
Old memories started popping up. Mary decided to take a quick nap and as she lay her head down she felt herself drifting back to those old days until she slowly eased into a deep, deep, sleep.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Hope for What Would Be
It was a lovely Saturday morning they experienced as Mary and Robin traversed the old side roads of Essex County. Much of the landscape in that area is on a grid with roads running parallel through this flat land. The side roads are all numerically (and boringly) named “concessions”. They just passed Concession Three. The GPS that Robin had purchased as a gift for Mary had become very useful on this day as they were on their way to look at a cottage on the lake. Mary had noticed it on the MLS listings on the web. It excited her not only because of the price and the waterfront location but because the pictures of the cottage itself just made her heart flutter! It was like the feeling when she first saw Hector for the first time. It was heart warming and familiar all at once. Hector was a gift from God and had been such a blessing when she finally saw her dream come true.
There was no prior vision of the cottage, however. When they finally got there it was Robin who remarked that it reminded him of the old English cottages. Though Mary had never been to England she had visited Ireland for two weeks. She had always wanted a home there. Perhaps that would never be. Instead maybe this quaint seaside retreat would be God’s answer to that desire.
They drove up into the driveway where an unpainted picket fence provided a cute barrier from the road. Already Mary envisioned the fence painted all white with some rose bushes pushing through its wood slats. They walked up the path to the white house with rose coloured shingles and brick fireplace. The real estate agent had not arrived yet so Robin and Mary bravely took advantage of the situation to take a look at the beach front. What they viewed was not a beach but a wall of huge stones with what must have been at one time a tiny garden on its slope. It was all over grown now with Yucca plants and chicks and hens peeking through weeds. The rocky surface itself was about five feet high and was built to protect against any flooding. The neighbours on either side had built decks right on top the stones. The deck to the house was to the side of the house and not right on the water’s edge.
Mary once again could see the flower garden brought to life and planter boxes installed on the windows of the house overflowing with petunias and impatients. They had a good look around by the time the agent arrived.
Paul was an older bald man who was very kind and wise in his dealings. Without insulting his new clients or the sellers he managed to be honest and open to Mary and Robin. That is not an easy feat to accomplish; Mary knew that! He took them through the house slowly but surely. Through the front doors they came on a long kitchen which ran the width of the house. It was nothing fancy and the cupboards were homemade! Mary could see herself painting the old cupboards until such time that they could tear out and start fresh. The wood panelled living room had a huge grey stone fireplace with a gas insert which didn’t thrill Mary.
Once again Mary realized the fireplace could be restored to its wood burning capacities once the house got a furnace. The one installed in the house wasn’t working. Mary supposed the fireplace was being used now to heat the cabin on cold days. Mary couldn’t imagine people sleeping in here all winter and it must have been seasonal as there was no insulation in the walls! So the gas insert could stay and provide heat until the house had been properly prepared for winter living! Beyond the living room there was a nice size sunroom with quaint windows running its length. The sunroom was built on a new cement pad and seemed solid enough.
But upstairs there were other problems. Someone had put a toilet and sink in one of the rooms but there was nothing else in this so called bedroom! It was possibly 8 feet by 6 feet. Mary realized the creaky old wood floors would have to be reinforced to support a bathtub to make it into a bathroom. It was way too small to be separated into a bathroom and bedroom or to be termed an "ensuite".
There were three other tiny bedrooms all done in darkly stained tongue and groove but with little support in the walls but 2 by 1 strapping! The walls creaked and heaved in complaint when Robin put his hands up against them. As well as this problem there were electric wires tacked up around the door rather than hidden behind the walls! That would have to be checked! The wood floors were all covered with different cheap, thin carpeting which took away from the place. Mary could see the carpet removed and nice wide planks put in. As well, she could envision the walls pushed back to their studs to create a chalet setting rather than the boxy look it had now had. The view from the south bedroom was breathtaking and Mary could imagine arising in the morning to the sounds of the surf and the smells of Lake Erie.
Robin and the agent left the house discussing all the work that needed to be done. Mary could only visualize how pretty it could be once her creative juices started flowing. This sad house needing so much work appealed to Mary because of her view of heaven. She imagined Her Heavenly Father's house which had many mansions as all being dilapidated and needing repair. Mary could see herself blissfully spending the rest of eternity making them beautiful using all of heaven’s available labour and the limitless provisions her Abba Daddy could provide. “This would be a bit of paradise right here to bring this house into its former glory”, thought Mary. Mary smiled as a passage from scripture came to mind that she would “restore the ancient ruins”!
The rest of the trip back home was discussing these ancient ruins. Robin had been excited about the cottage as much as Mary had. Mary was happy at his excitement because it had been like pulling teeth to even get him to go and look at the cottage because Robin said he didn’t want to get his hopes up.
Mary told Robin that was only the second time in their life together that he had surprised her. The other time was when he asked her to marry him! This time Mary was taken aback because she presumed his reluctance to go and look at the cottage was because he loved his house in Amherstburg so much that he didn’t want to give it up. Not so. Robin was more afraid of having his hopes dashed. Mary couldn’t believe it and went into a preachy spiel about the need to hope in God. She finally figured out why Robin didn’t have any dreams: he needed to have hope and he didn’t have that!
So now that the trip was over and they were safe at home the next obstacle faced them: the fear of taking the next step of putting in an offer. They slept on it over night and nothing was said the next day, Sunday. Monday morning as Mary was doing her 5km walk singing and praising God she felt God encourage her to take this step of faith. She must lay a fleece out before God and see what He did.
All filled up with new resolve Mary shared with Robin her desire to take a first step to the bank and see what their adviser said. They would lay a fleece. If the banker gave them good news then they would see it as God’s favour on the decision to buy.
Later that morning, after numerous unsuccessful responses to her phone calls to the bank, Mary took a ride down to see what was happening. The tellers at the counter were apologetic and indicated that the tornado- like storms on Friday had messed up their communication systems. Luckily for Mary her advisor was in but very busy. Mary felt disappointed when she was told Corrine couldn’t possibly see her now and the teller would have her phone Mary. Mary was about to leave when the office door to her financier’s office opened and her clients left. Mary peaked her nose in the door and was greeted with a welcome smile.
Not only did the woman make time to see Mary but listened to her concerns and took down all Mary’s financial information. She indicated she would get back to Mary possibly the next day if not sooner. In the meantime she told Mary if she was afraid of losing this opportunity to buy the cottage then she could put in an offer conditional on financing and an inspection of it. She would have to share this with Robin.
Mary would go home and wait. She was so excited though because the door did not close in her face. She couldn’t wait to tell Robin who couldn’t see past their financial lack and the houses construction needs! Mary had encouraged Robin that morning that what they both needed was faith. It was without faith impossible to please God and looking at the obstacles was fear based and not faith.
Now all she could do was trust God was at work. She would share with Robin what the financier said, that they could put in an offer even now and make it conditional on financing! If it was meant to be then God would provide what was necessary. Mary sat back in her chair looking at the pictures of the cottage. No matter what happened Mary knew the important thing was to take steps of faith. Faith meant moving forward and trusting God; if He closed the door that was fine. However, to do nothing was no faith at all! She had taken the first step of faith. What would be would be!
There was no prior vision of the cottage, however. When they finally got there it was Robin who remarked that it reminded him of the old English cottages. Though Mary had never been to England she had visited Ireland for two weeks. She had always wanted a home there. Perhaps that would never be. Instead maybe this quaint seaside retreat would be God’s answer to that desire.
They drove up into the driveway where an unpainted picket fence provided a cute barrier from the road. Already Mary envisioned the fence painted all white with some rose bushes pushing through its wood slats. They walked up the path to the white house with rose coloured shingles and brick fireplace. The real estate agent had not arrived yet so Robin and Mary bravely took advantage of the situation to take a look at the beach front. What they viewed was not a beach but a wall of huge stones with what must have been at one time a tiny garden on its slope. It was all over grown now with Yucca plants and chicks and hens peeking through weeds. The rocky surface itself was about five feet high and was built to protect against any flooding. The neighbours on either side had built decks right on top the stones. The deck to the house was to the side of the house and not right on the water’s edge.
Mary once again could see the flower garden brought to life and planter boxes installed on the windows of the house overflowing with petunias and impatients. They had a good look around by the time the agent arrived.
Paul was an older bald man who was very kind and wise in his dealings. Without insulting his new clients or the sellers he managed to be honest and open to Mary and Robin. That is not an easy feat to accomplish; Mary knew that! He took them through the house slowly but surely. Through the front doors they came on a long kitchen which ran the width of the house. It was nothing fancy and the cupboards were homemade! Mary could see herself painting the old cupboards until such time that they could tear out and start fresh. The wood panelled living room had a huge grey stone fireplace with a gas insert which didn’t thrill Mary.
Once again Mary realized the fireplace could be restored to its wood burning capacities once the house got a furnace. The one installed in the house wasn’t working. Mary supposed the fireplace was being used now to heat the cabin on cold days. Mary couldn’t imagine people sleeping in here all winter and it must have been seasonal as there was no insulation in the walls! So the gas insert could stay and provide heat until the house had been properly prepared for winter living! Beyond the living room there was a nice size sunroom with quaint windows running its length. The sunroom was built on a new cement pad and seemed solid enough.
But upstairs there were other problems. Someone had put a toilet and sink in one of the rooms but there was nothing else in this so called bedroom! It was possibly 8 feet by 6 feet. Mary realized the creaky old wood floors would have to be reinforced to support a bathtub to make it into a bathroom. It was way too small to be separated into a bathroom and bedroom or to be termed an "ensuite".
There were three other tiny bedrooms all done in darkly stained tongue and groove but with little support in the walls but 2 by 1 strapping! The walls creaked and heaved in complaint when Robin put his hands up against them. As well as this problem there were electric wires tacked up around the door rather than hidden behind the walls! That would have to be checked! The wood floors were all covered with different cheap, thin carpeting which took away from the place. Mary could see the carpet removed and nice wide planks put in. As well, she could envision the walls pushed back to their studs to create a chalet setting rather than the boxy look it had now had. The view from the south bedroom was breathtaking and Mary could imagine arising in the morning to the sounds of the surf and the smells of Lake Erie.
Robin and the agent left the house discussing all the work that needed to be done. Mary could only visualize how pretty it could be once her creative juices started flowing. This sad house needing so much work appealed to Mary because of her view of heaven. She imagined Her Heavenly Father's house which had many mansions as all being dilapidated and needing repair. Mary could see herself blissfully spending the rest of eternity making them beautiful using all of heaven’s available labour and the limitless provisions her Abba Daddy could provide. “This would be a bit of paradise right here to bring this house into its former glory”, thought Mary. Mary smiled as a passage from scripture came to mind that she would “restore the ancient ruins”!
The rest of the trip back home was discussing these ancient ruins. Robin had been excited about the cottage as much as Mary had. Mary was happy at his excitement because it had been like pulling teeth to even get him to go and look at the cottage because Robin said he didn’t want to get his hopes up.
Mary told Robin that was only the second time in their life together that he had surprised her. The other time was when he asked her to marry him! This time Mary was taken aback because she presumed his reluctance to go and look at the cottage was because he loved his house in Amherstburg so much that he didn’t want to give it up. Not so. Robin was more afraid of having his hopes dashed. Mary couldn’t believe it and went into a preachy spiel about the need to hope in God. She finally figured out why Robin didn’t have any dreams: he needed to have hope and he didn’t have that!
So now that the trip was over and they were safe at home the next obstacle faced them: the fear of taking the next step of putting in an offer. They slept on it over night and nothing was said the next day, Sunday. Monday morning as Mary was doing her 5km walk singing and praising God she felt God encourage her to take this step of faith. She must lay a fleece out before God and see what He did.
All filled up with new resolve Mary shared with Robin her desire to take a first step to the bank and see what their adviser said. They would lay a fleece. If the banker gave them good news then they would see it as God’s favour on the decision to buy.
Later that morning, after numerous unsuccessful responses to her phone calls to the bank, Mary took a ride down to see what was happening. The tellers at the counter were apologetic and indicated that the tornado- like storms on Friday had messed up their communication systems. Luckily for Mary her advisor was in but very busy. Mary felt disappointed when she was told Corrine couldn’t possibly see her now and the teller would have her phone Mary. Mary was about to leave when the office door to her financier’s office opened and her clients left. Mary peaked her nose in the door and was greeted with a welcome smile.
Not only did the woman make time to see Mary but listened to her concerns and took down all Mary’s financial information. She indicated she would get back to Mary possibly the next day if not sooner. In the meantime she told Mary if she was afraid of losing this opportunity to buy the cottage then she could put in an offer conditional on financing and an inspection of it. She would have to share this with Robin.
Mary would go home and wait. She was so excited though because the door did not close in her face. She couldn’t wait to tell Robin who couldn’t see past their financial lack and the houses construction needs! Mary had encouraged Robin that morning that what they both needed was faith. It was without faith impossible to please God and looking at the obstacles was fear based and not faith.
Now all she could do was trust God was at work. She would share with Robin what the financier said, that they could put in an offer even now and make it conditional on financing! If it was meant to be then God would provide what was necessary. Mary sat back in her chair looking at the pictures of the cottage. No matter what happened Mary knew the important thing was to take steps of faith. Faith meant moving forward and trusting God; if He closed the door that was fine. However, to do nothing was no faith at all! She had taken the first step of faith. What would be would be!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
God Alone
After putting closure on chaplaincy Mary found herself becoming very emotional while dealing with the issue of co-dependency. The book Co-dependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps had drawn out a lot of anger from deep within Mary. It was anger directed at herself for repeating a mistake twice. Yes, twice!
As she had read through the fourth step God revealed to Mary a sin committed not only in her first marriage but in her second one as well! It was overwhelming. She knew when she left her first husband she had been set free from a bondage. She had been captive by her fear to this man for years. But she was captive because she believed without him she couldn’t survive. Though misguided in her view Mary trusted a man to look after, provide for, and make her feel secure. God revealed that He alone was the one that should be her provider. He alone was her security. Her sin was putting a trust in another man, a trust that belonged only to God. There was a price to pay though for having someone look after you. In Mary’s case the trade off was looking after his every need, being told what to do, and verbally abused in exchange. It seemed ironic to Mary that she trusted in a man to make her feel secure and provided for and it ended up she felt nothing but fear and oppression as she endured his abuse!
Worse than all this came the revelation that she had married Robin for the same reason: for provision and security. It was hateful and ugly. Mary felt terrible. She repented towards God, shared the Fifth Step with her mentor, Diane, and finally opened up to Robin. Robin had been struggling for days now with her anger. When Mary finally confessed to Robin she knew things would have to change. No longer would she or could she look after all his needs and sacrifice her own. Mary had found herself stuck once again just as in her first marriage because Mary had chosen to trust man for something God was responsible for and ultimately herself. The cost had been great. Robin had looked after her, worked very hard at his employment, and Mary took care of everything else. She had become chauffeur, maid, and cook. She had given up being responsible for her own life, looked after Robin’s needs just so she could be looked after and provided for and secure. Was she secure? Mary didn’t feel that way.
She knew that it had been really hard for them financially but now Mary saw it might be more a result of her sin in trusting in a man rather than God that was the cause of their monetary problems! Mary felt tired but knew the battle was not over. Mary had to be honest from here on in about what bothered her. She could not neglect speaking the truth because when she did she slipped into anger. She had to be open and admit her needs despite her fear of rejection by her husband.
It all could end in divorce anyways if her anger kept up. She would have to be transparent and honest with him from here on in. Mary was finding out this whole thing was pretty painful. Mary knew this book was a blessing and important for her development. But before the good fruit could come from it Mary would have to walk through the growing pains of speaking up, confronting, and speaking the truth in love.
The book’s effect was growing heavy on Mary’s shoulders. She felt her neck pinching between her shoulder blades. The thing Mary realized she had going for her was a fabulous husband and a God whom they both served. They would get through this together. She must pray more fervently. And she did. Psalm 23’s promise that though she walked through the valley of the shadow of death God was with her encouraged her. God was on her side. God was for her and not against her. She was a new creation and the old woman had passed away. All things were new and so Mary must trust things would be different this time. She had stayed 22 years in a marriage out of fear but it was a relationship that had no faith connection. This time it was different. This time Mary knew God was working on both Robin and her behalf.
Mary would trust this God who had been showing her for a long now how much He loved her. Things would be okay no matter how she felt right now. She would trust and have faith in a God who could and would deliver both her and her spouse form this captivity. Weary from the struggle Mary headed for the couch, turned the light off, and lay herself down for a rest. Today was all she could focus on, this moment was all that mattered, and she would take one day at a time. Anything more would be too much for her. With that thought on her mind she whispered the lyrics, “One day at a time, dear Jesus, one day at a time”. Soon she was fast asleep.
As she had read through the fourth step God revealed to Mary a sin committed not only in her first marriage but in her second one as well! It was overwhelming. She knew when she left her first husband she had been set free from a bondage. She had been captive by her fear to this man for years. But she was captive because she believed without him she couldn’t survive. Though misguided in her view Mary trusted a man to look after, provide for, and make her feel secure. God revealed that He alone was the one that should be her provider. He alone was her security. Her sin was putting a trust in another man, a trust that belonged only to God. There was a price to pay though for having someone look after you. In Mary’s case the trade off was looking after his every need, being told what to do, and verbally abused in exchange. It seemed ironic to Mary that she trusted in a man to make her feel secure and provided for and it ended up she felt nothing but fear and oppression as she endured his abuse!
Worse than all this came the revelation that she had married Robin for the same reason: for provision and security. It was hateful and ugly. Mary felt terrible. She repented towards God, shared the Fifth Step with her mentor, Diane, and finally opened up to Robin. Robin had been struggling for days now with her anger. When Mary finally confessed to Robin she knew things would have to change. No longer would she or could she look after all his needs and sacrifice her own. Mary had found herself stuck once again just as in her first marriage because Mary had chosen to trust man for something God was responsible for and ultimately herself. The cost had been great. Robin had looked after her, worked very hard at his employment, and Mary took care of everything else. She had become chauffeur, maid, and cook. She had given up being responsible for her own life, looked after Robin’s needs just so she could be looked after and provided for and secure. Was she secure? Mary didn’t feel that way.
She knew that it had been really hard for them financially but now Mary saw it might be more a result of her sin in trusting in a man rather than God that was the cause of their monetary problems! Mary felt tired but knew the battle was not over. Mary had to be honest from here on in about what bothered her. She could not neglect speaking the truth because when she did she slipped into anger. She had to be open and admit her needs despite her fear of rejection by her husband.
It all could end in divorce anyways if her anger kept up. She would have to be transparent and honest with him from here on in. Mary was finding out this whole thing was pretty painful. Mary knew this book was a blessing and important for her development. But before the good fruit could come from it Mary would have to walk through the growing pains of speaking up, confronting, and speaking the truth in love.
The book’s effect was growing heavy on Mary’s shoulders. She felt her neck pinching between her shoulder blades. The thing Mary realized she had going for her was a fabulous husband and a God whom they both served. They would get through this together. She must pray more fervently. And she did. Psalm 23’s promise that though she walked through the valley of the shadow of death God was with her encouraged her. God was on her side. God was for her and not against her. She was a new creation and the old woman had passed away. All things were new and so Mary must trust things would be different this time. She had stayed 22 years in a marriage out of fear but it was a relationship that had no faith connection. This time it was different. This time Mary knew God was working on both Robin and her behalf.
Mary would trust this God who had been showing her for a long now how much He loved her. Things would be okay no matter how she felt right now. She would trust and have faith in a God who could and would deliver both her and her spouse form this captivity. Weary from the struggle Mary headed for the couch, turned the light off, and lay herself down for a rest. Today was all she could focus on, this moment was all that mattered, and she would take one day at a time. Anything more would be too much for her. With that thought on her mind she whispered the lyrics, “One day at a time, dear Jesus, one day at a time”. Soon she was fast asleep.
Closing the Door: Chaplaincy
Mary had done a Field Placement at Mimico Corrections followed by a three month CPE. A CPE is post-graduate curriculum for ministers who want additional training in pastoral care and chaplaincy. Mary worked with women during this time and young offenders. It was quite challenging and Mary found the fairer sex to be tougher to deal with than the men she had previously dealt with. It was during this period Mary was supervised by Joyce, another chaplain. She was also a nun. Mary was smoking at the time and was concerned how she was going to tell this woman of her addiction. What would she think?
However, on her very first day there Joyce and another student headed out the side doors of one of the units to have a cigarette. Mary was overjoyed and relieved. Joyce wasn’t so bad after all!
Anyways, the three months went by with the students meeting each morning. They would sit in group confronting one another about their encounters with the inmates they had dealt with the day before. As well, each weekend students would take turns doing a Sunday Service and then the other students would do a critique of it. It was brutal at times to deal with all the criticism.
What was worse was the day an inmate sexually approached Mary. Mary was more surprised than anything because she assumed if there ever was an attack it would come from the men. But it was a young teenage woman!
Joyce was very helpful and supportive of Mary dealing with the issue. She offered Mary the opportunity to be transferred to another cottage but Mary felt there were only a few weeks left and she could stick it out. Mary was tough that way and was determined to fight back.
Perhaps it was Mary’s resilience and ability to deal with the situation that drew Joyce’s respect. Anyways, after the three month training period was up Joyce approached Mary out of all her students. Joyce offered Mary a special opportunity. Next door to the women’s prison was a men’s correctional facility. The chaplain working there was going into the hospital for an operation and would be off for three months recovering. Joyce offered Mary the position. Joyce would continue working next door and would supervise and come for visits during the few months that Mary would do services, visit and counsel the inmates, and deal with the correction officers.
What started out as a three month stint however, ended up to last for five months as there were complications with the chaplains’ operation. Mary found herself enjoying her role and became more and more involved. She began to change things that later she realized she had no business changing. For Christmas she designed banners for the chapel to be made to replace the old rotted ones that were in storage.
However, Joyce was not happy with the design or the idea and Mary had to change the flag’s configuration to please Joyce. Mary had become proud and haughty after her successful university years. This privileged position became her downfall. She and Joyce had argued a few times and Mary realized afterwards she should have respected her authority more.
The result was that after 5 months the other chaplain returned to duty. At that time Joyce and he wanted Mary to take a CPE here at his prison where she had just officiated as a chaplain! It was very embarrassing to Mary to even consider doing this. It would be not only humbling but like going backwards. As well, after 7 years of school and training Mary felt she had nothing left in her to do anymore studies. She was burnt out. She just wanted to work in her field.
After she left the position Mary was lost. She tried to engage a response from the Chaplaincy Head office where she submitted her degrees and experiences. However, after two tries and no reply Mary felt a door close. Mary always felt that perhaps Joyce had somehow been involved in the silent treatment she received from Chaplaincy. Mary didn’t blame Joyce. Mary felt totally responsible for what had happened.
The doors had closed alright but here she was 10 years later with the issue unresolved, with regrets and grief. Mary decided to forgive herself for being proud and haughty. It was over now and she had to get on with it. Writing about it during this time helped Mary to see she must forgive and go on. She couldn’t live in regrets anymore.
But as she looked at her past she knew she had to do something significant to make an end to this era; but what? Only time would tell but Mary hoped she would do it soon so she could get on with her life.
As Mary looked at the past she was thankful for the gifts God had given her; she had been blessed with favour at university, during her training and even during those five months of leadership replacing the chaplain. She sat sighing and sorrowful but grateful to her God and whispered quietly, “Thank you, Lord, you have been good to me”. This reminded Mary of the promise that “all things work together for good for those who trust God”. She had held up this guarantee through the years when things didn’t always go well and she always saw a blessing in the end. She knew once again, though it had been 10 long years since it happened that God was true to his word. That even now after all this time all things would work out together for good for Mary. This she believed though it had been a decade since the whole thing happened.
After all, God had told her and she believed that he would restore the counsellors! He would restore her! It was at this moment Mary happened to hear the tail end of a broadcast on the radio. Some christian minister was sharing what God had done in his life after 8 years of waiting. It took that long but God did something wonderful to bless him after a difficulty he had gone through. Mary smiled at this and cried a little knowing that it takes time -sometimes - for all things to work together for good for those who trust God!
However, on her very first day there Joyce and another student headed out the side doors of one of the units to have a cigarette. Mary was overjoyed and relieved. Joyce wasn’t so bad after all!
Anyways, the three months went by with the students meeting each morning. They would sit in group confronting one another about their encounters with the inmates they had dealt with the day before. As well, each weekend students would take turns doing a Sunday Service and then the other students would do a critique of it. It was brutal at times to deal with all the criticism.
What was worse was the day an inmate sexually approached Mary. Mary was more surprised than anything because she assumed if there ever was an attack it would come from the men. But it was a young teenage woman!
Joyce was very helpful and supportive of Mary dealing with the issue. She offered Mary the opportunity to be transferred to another cottage but Mary felt there were only a few weeks left and she could stick it out. Mary was tough that way and was determined to fight back.
Perhaps it was Mary’s resilience and ability to deal with the situation that drew Joyce’s respect. Anyways, after the three month training period was up Joyce approached Mary out of all her students. Joyce offered Mary a special opportunity. Next door to the women’s prison was a men’s correctional facility. The chaplain working there was going into the hospital for an operation and would be off for three months recovering. Joyce offered Mary the position. Joyce would continue working next door and would supervise and come for visits during the few months that Mary would do services, visit and counsel the inmates, and deal with the correction officers.
What started out as a three month stint however, ended up to last for five months as there were complications with the chaplains’ operation. Mary found herself enjoying her role and became more and more involved. She began to change things that later she realized she had no business changing. For Christmas she designed banners for the chapel to be made to replace the old rotted ones that were in storage.
However, Joyce was not happy with the design or the idea and Mary had to change the flag’s configuration to please Joyce. Mary had become proud and haughty after her successful university years. This privileged position became her downfall. She and Joyce had argued a few times and Mary realized afterwards she should have respected her authority more.
The result was that after 5 months the other chaplain returned to duty. At that time Joyce and he wanted Mary to take a CPE here at his prison where she had just officiated as a chaplain! It was very embarrassing to Mary to even consider doing this. It would be not only humbling but like going backwards. As well, after 7 years of school and training Mary felt she had nothing left in her to do anymore studies. She was burnt out. She just wanted to work in her field.
After she left the position Mary was lost. She tried to engage a response from the Chaplaincy Head office where she submitted her degrees and experiences. However, after two tries and no reply Mary felt a door close. Mary always felt that perhaps Joyce had somehow been involved in the silent treatment she received from Chaplaincy. Mary didn’t blame Joyce. Mary felt totally responsible for what had happened.
The doors had closed alright but here she was 10 years later with the issue unresolved, with regrets and grief. Mary decided to forgive herself for being proud and haughty. It was over now and she had to get on with it. Writing about it during this time helped Mary to see she must forgive and go on. She couldn’t live in regrets anymore.
But as she looked at her past she knew she had to do something significant to make an end to this era; but what? Only time would tell but Mary hoped she would do it soon so she could get on with her life.
As Mary looked at the past she was thankful for the gifts God had given her; she had been blessed with favour at university, during her training and even during those five months of leadership replacing the chaplain. She sat sighing and sorrowful but grateful to her God and whispered quietly, “Thank you, Lord, you have been good to me”. This reminded Mary of the promise that “all things work together for good for those who trust God”. She had held up this guarantee through the years when things didn’t always go well and she always saw a blessing in the end. She knew once again, though it had been 10 long years since it happened that God was true to his word. That even now after all this time all things would work out together for good for Mary. This she believed though it had been a decade since the whole thing happened.
After all, God had told her and she believed that he would restore the counsellors! He would restore her! It was at this moment Mary happened to hear the tail end of a broadcast on the radio. Some christian minister was sharing what God had done in his life after 8 years of waiting. It took that long but God did something wonderful to bless him after a difficulty he had gone through. Mary smiled at this and cried a little knowing that it takes time -sometimes - for all things to work together for good for those who trust God!
Closing the Door: Undergraduate and Graduate Studies
Mary’s thoughts flew to different things that happened one after another. The catalyst to all this change, believe it or not, was the death of her friend Bobbie who had worked with Mary for a few years. The sorrow of the loss of this friend and her unfulfilled dreams created in Mary a desire to do something different in her life. She had worked at the gift business for over 14 years and owned her own store for 11 of those years.
In 1992 after Bobbie’s death she decided to close her gift shop and tea room. She hadn’t been sure initially what she would do until her long time friend Cheryl reminded Mary that she had always wanted to go to university. Cheryl had always been a greater supporter of Mary and was no different this time than any other. “Mary”, said Cheryl, “you are so smart, so much smarter than me and most people. You need to do this for yourself”.
Mary never realized anyone thought she was smart; after all she had been called stupid for most of her married life and had failed kindergarten! Perhaps going back to school would somehow help Mary with her handicap and insecurities. Mary was blessed. She realized that now as she thought of her friends words. It had been that encouragement and the reminder of the unfulfilled dream that helped Mary make the decision to close her business.
As Mary assessed the past she recognized her husband, Peter, was also supportive at the time. He not only helped her have a closing sale, but stayed behind after the store was dismantled to sell off anything that was not sold. There had been quite a bit of merchandise taking up dead air. As Mary continued her reflections she was also grateful that somehow during the 11 years of her business her husband had managed to put away money from her company. She wasn’t sure how but his foresight and wise money management enabled her to have finances for the next four years while she completed her first degree, her Bachelor of Arts.
Mary recalled the first day at York University where she did her undergraduate studies. It was a bit overwhelming and oddly enough her biggest fear was not about doing well but of getting lost! York was a huge campus with many small colleges scattered along green areas, ponds, and many cement paths! Mary was delighted to have chosen Stong College and though she didn’t spend much time there it had a lovely homey feel about it. Most of her classes took Mary all over campus and sometimes it took her 10 minutes to walk to a class!
Within a few weeks Mary found the local hang outs and study spots that most serious students locate in their desire for privacy. The first year Mary spent most of her spare time in the library trying to figure out the system. She photocopied half the documents in there along with purchasing all the required books on the syllabus.
Because of her many books Mary carried a huge backpack to transport them in. All her courses were full year semesters which were good in a way because she got to know her professors. Among her teachers she recalled an English professor the first year who was kind to her possibly because Mary was 39 when she went back to school. Mary had decided to major in English as she wanted to get into the journalism program but first she had to spend a year creating a portfolio of writings and poetry. These would be submitted at the end of this year and her work would be perused. However, though it was a dream for Mary to write someday it wasn’t going to happen because of the success she had at York. Rather, at the end of the year, because Mary was true to herself and wouldn’t be moulded into their writing style she was not accepted into their journalism program
At the time Mary was devastated and thought to herself: “What now”? Looking back Mary now Mary saw the hand of God at work in her life at the time. Mary had also taken a humanities course which she had done really well in. Her professor, Professor Ford, was studious and a hard marker. This just pushed Mary harder and she felt she had done well in his class. She had felt bad for this man for during the semester his son had died. Being older and more compassionate than the other students Mary had given him a sympathy card with her condolences. I don’t think Professor Ford expected this but somehow it softened his heart towards her. They actually got on speaking terms.
And so it was on that fatal day at the end of the year when she got the bad news about journalism that she happened to meet Professor Ford. As they walked and Mary shared her disappointment she was surprised to find him giving her encouragement and direction when she needed it most.
Professor Ford turned to her as they walked along the path from one college to another: “Mary, you shouldn’t be in Journalism at all. From what I see your gifted area is religion. I recognize it from your work in the humanities course you took with me. I think you should change your major to religion.”
With these words the hand of God directed Mary into the field that would ultimately lead her to do a Master of Divinity. The first year of her BA had been the most difficult, Mary realized now, because she had struggled with the writing program and getting back into the grind. Eventually she got the hang of it and became the best of students.
It was the second year where she excelled. Mary did very well with the introductory course in religion where once again she was under the tutelage of Professor Ford. She got an A+ in that course and most of her other course she managed to get A’s. While doing her second year she took another course in religion with a Professor Schneider. He had long thick wiry grey and black hair that flew everywhere and Jesus sandals which always showed his big toes that pierced through the tips of his socks. It was almost Christmas and this professor had managed to miss so many classes that he had to have all his students come in for a full day and make up for what they missed. Mary had found out by this time that the Professor had a household of children and a sick wife. At the time Mary decided to get him a gift for Christmas. Yes, you guessed it, socks. She had given a card with the package of socks with the inscription: to the holy man with holey feet! Somehow the gesture must have endeared Mary to this professor for he gave her an A in a course which she had struggled so hard in.
It was beginning to become more difficult for Mary to call herself stupid when she received bursaries, was inscribed on the dean’s list, and attained letters of congratulations on being amongst those with the highest grades. Through it all Mary realized how God’s hand of favour was upon her. They were difficult years but years of triumph culminating in her first nicely framed diploma that she is still proud of today. After all, it symbolized her victory over the lies Satan attacked her with throughout her life. She was not stupid after all!
It was after four years of undergraduate studies that Mary decided to go on to do Her Master of Divinity. An older rabbi directed the religious major students at York. He, in his kind and gentle way, wisely pointed Mary towards chaplaincy. The decision to do another degree was not so graciously accepted by Mary’s husband Peter because of the additional years of studying it would entail. There was also the specific focus Mary wished to devote her attentions to that scared her husband. Peter felt he couldn’t be there to protect Mary if she went ahead and started to work in Corrections.
However, Mary was drawn to this field because she was curious. Her father had spent years of his life in jails across Canada and his father before him. Within weeks of her decision she had already gone to see the chaplain at Mimico Corrections. Elizabeth, an intelligent and witty reverend was filled with all kinds of insights into those she prayed with and counselled. Mary liked her immediately and the chaplain was glad to have another volunteer to visit the inmates during the week.
Mary’s first visit had been quite frightening. When the doors locked behind her Mary wondered if she would ever get out! The guards were all business and very stern. There was no funning with them! However, after a few visits she got used to their ways, the noise of the doors shutting became familiar, and even the inmates were just men who had been caught in many of the acts people do regularly.
Those first few years of volunteering she learned she had many stereotypes of the incarcerated. In fact, she found out anyone and everyone whether educated or not could get themselves in trouble. She met men of many different social backgrounds, professions, and denominations. All of them treated her kindly and with respect. They didn’t get that many visitors!
Mary never knew exactly which cell her father had been incarcerated in. But she visualized what it might have been like for him. One thing became clear: often times these men were more educated when they got out than when they came in and that was not in a good thing. There were some very tough individuals and others that were not so tough. Mary felt sorry for them.
Eventually, as Mary continued in her education and had volunteered for a number of years Elizabeth allowed Mary to help out doing services on weekends. It was an extraordinary experience.
What became clear later on after it was all over was that prison was symbolic for Mary. She had felt imprisoned most of her married life. She was stuck in her marriage and didn’t feel she had any way out. Oddly, enough the one course in her master’s program that highlighted this metaphor was a course on Genesis she had taken.
At the time the professor expected the students to focus on one patriarch from their readings and do a skit on it. Mary was enamoured with the story of Joseph and his imprisonment and release. At the time of this course Mary and her husband split up. Mary recognized her own life had been one of confinement. She had lived in fear for years of this man but after 7 years of university Mary’s self-esteem had grown. In one moment of anger Mary had ended 22 years of abuse.
Doing the small drama on Joseph, Mary played the starring role. However, Mary had done more than play the main character. She had written all the lines for the other cast members, come up with the idea for the costumes and in the end had been awarded. Her professor had asked each student which person in their group had done the most work. Mary could only guess that they all had indicated that she had been responsible for exerting the most effort because the professor gave Mary an A+ for this course which was unheard of. A+’s were just not handed out at this level.
Those seven years of school not only set Mary free from the lies told her of her intelligence but also from a marriage and man who reinforced those lies. Mary had been set free. A new life began.
In 1992 after Bobbie’s death she decided to close her gift shop and tea room. She hadn’t been sure initially what she would do until her long time friend Cheryl reminded Mary that she had always wanted to go to university. Cheryl had always been a greater supporter of Mary and was no different this time than any other. “Mary”, said Cheryl, “you are so smart, so much smarter than me and most people. You need to do this for yourself”.
Mary never realized anyone thought she was smart; after all she had been called stupid for most of her married life and had failed kindergarten! Perhaps going back to school would somehow help Mary with her handicap and insecurities. Mary was blessed. She realized that now as she thought of her friends words. It had been that encouragement and the reminder of the unfulfilled dream that helped Mary make the decision to close her business.
As Mary assessed the past she recognized her husband, Peter, was also supportive at the time. He not only helped her have a closing sale, but stayed behind after the store was dismantled to sell off anything that was not sold. There had been quite a bit of merchandise taking up dead air. As Mary continued her reflections she was also grateful that somehow during the 11 years of her business her husband had managed to put away money from her company. She wasn’t sure how but his foresight and wise money management enabled her to have finances for the next four years while she completed her first degree, her Bachelor of Arts.
Mary recalled the first day at York University where she did her undergraduate studies. It was a bit overwhelming and oddly enough her biggest fear was not about doing well but of getting lost! York was a huge campus with many small colleges scattered along green areas, ponds, and many cement paths! Mary was delighted to have chosen Stong College and though she didn’t spend much time there it had a lovely homey feel about it. Most of her classes took Mary all over campus and sometimes it took her 10 minutes to walk to a class!
Within a few weeks Mary found the local hang outs and study spots that most serious students locate in their desire for privacy. The first year Mary spent most of her spare time in the library trying to figure out the system. She photocopied half the documents in there along with purchasing all the required books on the syllabus.
Because of her many books Mary carried a huge backpack to transport them in. All her courses were full year semesters which were good in a way because she got to know her professors. Among her teachers she recalled an English professor the first year who was kind to her possibly because Mary was 39 when she went back to school. Mary had decided to major in English as she wanted to get into the journalism program but first she had to spend a year creating a portfolio of writings and poetry. These would be submitted at the end of this year and her work would be perused. However, though it was a dream for Mary to write someday it wasn’t going to happen because of the success she had at York. Rather, at the end of the year, because Mary was true to herself and wouldn’t be moulded into their writing style she was not accepted into their journalism program
At the time Mary was devastated and thought to herself: “What now”? Looking back Mary now Mary saw the hand of God at work in her life at the time. Mary had also taken a humanities course which she had done really well in. Her professor, Professor Ford, was studious and a hard marker. This just pushed Mary harder and she felt she had done well in his class. She had felt bad for this man for during the semester his son had died. Being older and more compassionate than the other students Mary had given him a sympathy card with her condolences. I don’t think Professor Ford expected this but somehow it softened his heart towards her. They actually got on speaking terms.
And so it was on that fatal day at the end of the year when she got the bad news about journalism that she happened to meet Professor Ford. As they walked and Mary shared her disappointment she was surprised to find him giving her encouragement and direction when she needed it most.
Professor Ford turned to her as they walked along the path from one college to another: “Mary, you shouldn’t be in Journalism at all. From what I see your gifted area is religion. I recognize it from your work in the humanities course you took with me. I think you should change your major to religion.”
With these words the hand of God directed Mary into the field that would ultimately lead her to do a Master of Divinity. The first year of her BA had been the most difficult, Mary realized now, because she had struggled with the writing program and getting back into the grind. Eventually she got the hang of it and became the best of students.
It was the second year where she excelled. Mary did very well with the introductory course in religion where once again she was under the tutelage of Professor Ford. She got an A+ in that course and most of her other course she managed to get A’s. While doing her second year she took another course in religion with a Professor Schneider. He had long thick wiry grey and black hair that flew everywhere and Jesus sandals which always showed his big toes that pierced through the tips of his socks. It was almost Christmas and this professor had managed to miss so many classes that he had to have all his students come in for a full day and make up for what they missed. Mary had found out by this time that the Professor had a household of children and a sick wife. At the time Mary decided to get him a gift for Christmas. Yes, you guessed it, socks. She had given a card with the package of socks with the inscription: to the holy man with holey feet! Somehow the gesture must have endeared Mary to this professor for he gave her an A in a course which she had struggled so hard in.
It was beginning to become more difficult for Mary to call herself stupid when she received bursaries, was inscribed on the dean’s list, and attained letters of congratulations on being amongst those with the highest grades. Through it all Mary realized how God’s hand of favour was upon her. They were difficult years but years of triumph culminating in her first nicely framed diploma that she is still proud of today. After all, it symbolized her victory over the lies Satan attacked her with throughout her life. She was not stupid after all!
It was after four years of undergraduate studies that Mary decided to go on to do Her Master of Divinity. An older rabbi directed the religious major students at York. He, in his kind and gentle way, wisely pointed Mary towards chaplaincy. The decision to do another degree was not so graciously accepted by Mary’s husband Peter because of the additional years of studying it would entail. There was also the specific focus Mary wished to devote her attentions to that scared her husband. Peter felt he couldn’t be there to protect Mary if she went ahead and started to work in Corrections.
However, Mary was drawn to this field because she was curious. Her father had spent years of his life in jails across Canada and his father before him. Within weeks of her decision she had already gone to see the chaplain at Mimico Corrections. Elizabeth, an intelligent and witty reverend was filled with all kinds of insights into those she prayed with and counselled. Mary liked her immediately and the chaplain was glad to have another volunteer to visit the inmates during the week.
Mary’s first visit had been quite frightening. When the doors locked behind her Mary wondered if she would ever get out! The guards were all business and very stern. There was no funning with them! However, after a few visits she got used to their ways, the noise of the doors shutting became familiar, and even the inmates were just men who had been caught in many of the acts people do regularly.
Those first few years of volunteering she learned she had many stereotypes of the incarcerated. In fact, she found out anyone and everyone whether educated or not could get themselves in trouble. She met men of many different social backgrounds, professions, and denominations. All of them treated her kindly and with respect. They didn’t get that many visitors!
Mary never knew exactly which cell her father had been incarcerated in. But she visualized what it might have been like for him. One thing became clear: often times these men were more educated when they got out than when they came in and that was not in a good thing. There were some very tough individuals and others that were not so tough. Mary felt sorry for them.
Eventually, as Mary continued in her education and had volunteered for a number of years Elizabeth allowed Mary to help out doing services on weekends. It was an extraordinary experience.
What became clear later on after it was all over was that prison was symbolic for Mary. She had felt imprisoned most of her married life. She was stuck in her marriage and didn’t feel she had any way out. Oddly, enough the one course in her master’s program that highlighted this metaphor was a course on Genesis she had taken.
At the time the professor expected the students to focus on one patriarch from their readings and do a skit on it. Mary was enamoured with the story of Joseph and his imprisonment and release. At the time of this course Mary and her husband split up. Mary recognized her own life had been one of confinement. She had lived in fear for years of this man but after 7 years of university Mary’s self-esteem had grown. In one moment of anger Mary had ended 22 years of abuse.
Doing the small drama on Joseph, Mary played the starring role. However, Mary had done more than play the main character. She had written all the lines for the other cast members, come up with the idea for the costumes and in the end had been awarded. Her professor had asked each student which person in their group had done the most work. Mary could only guess that they all had indicated that she had been responsible for exerting the most effort because the professor gave Mary an A+ for this course which was unheard of. A+’s were just not handed out at this level.
Those seven years of school not only set Mary free from the lies told her of her intelligence but also from a marriage and man who reinforced those lies. Mary had been set free. A new life began.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Confirmation
Mary had gone through an up and down cycle of emotion the very same day as she began to process just what it meant to her to have grieved all those years and not lived in the now enjoying where she was, who she was, and all she had accomplished. But as she read step three in the third chapter Mary realized she needed to be grateful. This she did. She began to thank God for all she had, all she was and all God had favoured her with. It was time to let go and bury the past. It was time to live in the moment and stop being a victim. She would take responsibility for herself as she worked with God and as He led her. Everything would be okay.
Later that day as Mary drove to Windsor to pick up her husband from work she listened to the Christian radio station as she always did. Today some minister was quoting a chapter and verse from Isaiah she had never heard before but was definitely meant for her to hear today! Mary heard the announcer loudly and clearly state Isaiah 1:26 “I will restore your judges as in days of old, your counsellors as at the beginning. Afterward you will be called the City of Righteousness, the Faithful City”. It was that key phrase that God would restore the counsellors that made Mary cry with delight. That was what she thought of when she thought of chaplaincy – counselling. Though she had established herself in the small town she lived in she felt somehow it was not enough. God was confirming what she had received while reading that book on co-dependency. She would be restored! That made her day and buffered the pain that came with the realization of how much time she wasted grieving what happened to her so long ago.
With this fresh word Mary continued her ride determined more than ever to begin journaling that past experience so long ago and ritually say goodbye to it and focus on living today. She smiled to herself as she drove along watching the wheat being collected and yellow clouds of chaff billowing up like some desert windstorm. It was an awesome sight and Mary felt her life was in the same process right now – a harvest was coming. At the moment she was separating the good from the bad. Hopefully, when she was all done Mary would have discarded what was robbing her of today and live a little more fully; thankful and grateful for whom she was now. Excitement rose up within her as she contemplated letting go of those memories. Soon, very soon she would get it all on paper and let it all go.
However, despite her best wishes she had to drive home before she could even consider getting started so Mary continued her drive enjoying the scenery and thanking God as she went for things she had long ignored or appreciated in her life. She was being restored even in this moment, she realized. It was so healthy to thank and praise God and it had always opened heavens gates. Singing a little ditty of praise Mary went on her way confirmed in His love feeling freer of the past than she had ever felt before.
Later that day as Mary drove to Windsor to pick up her husband from work she listened to the Christian radio station as she always did. Today some minister was quoting a chapter and verse from Isaiah she had never heard before but was definitely meant for her to hear today! Mary heard the announcer loudly and clearly state Isaiah 1:26 “I will restore your judges as in days of old, your counsellors as at the beginning. Afterward you will be called the City of Righteousness, the Faithful City”. It was that key phrase that God would restore the counsellors that made Mary cry with delight. That was what she thought of when she thought of chaplaincy – counselling. Though she had established herself in the small town she lived in she felt somehow it was not enough. God was confirming what she had received while reading that book on co-dependency. She would be restored! That made her day and buffered the pain that came with the realization of how much time she wasted grieving what happened to her so long ago.
With this fresh word Mary continued her ride determined more than ever to begin journaling that past experience so long ago and ritually say goodbye to it and focus on living today. She smiled to herself as she drove along watching the wheat being collected and yellow clouds of chaff billowing up like some desert windstorm. It was an awesome sight and Mary felt her life was in the same process right now – a harvest was coming. At the moment she was separating the good from the bad. Hopefully, when she was all done Mary would have discarded what was robbing her of today and live a little more fully; thankful and grateful for whom she was now. Excitement rose up within her as she contemplated letting go of those memories. Soon, very soon she would get it all on paper and let it all go.
However, despite her best wishes she had to drive home before she could even consider getting started so Mary continued her drive enjoying the scenery and thanking God as she went for things she had long ignored or appreciated in her life. She was being restored even in this moment, she realized. It was so healthy to thank and praise God and it had always opened heavens gates. Singing a little ditty of praise Mary went on her way confirmed in His love feeling freer of the past than she had ever felt before.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Closed Chapter
A lovely ride to work the next morning with Robin included a conversation over the word from God and the truths from the book Mary had been reading. Robin had listened intently as Mary shared her experience. He nodded his head as he listened and said nothing.
However, after much thought he opened up to reveal that he felt the past was the past and was a closed chapter. Robin questioned Mary “It was over 10 years ago. When will you stop grieving?” Robin had brought up something that was true, of course, and it confirmed something God had shown her while she had been out on her morning walk earlier in the day. God had allowed Mary to see that she was indeed a chaplain now, ministering to many people through counselling, through friends, and all those who crossed her path. She had healed many, evicted some demons from the souls of the distressed, and had spread the gospel to those she met.
Mary realized something; her chaplaincy didn’t look like she initially thought it should appear. But she was doing God’s work. She needed to put closure on the past and get on with it. Did this mean she hadn’t heard from God? No, in fact Mary knew God had spoken. But Mary realized how God would work and restore things was beyond her comprehension.
Another revelation occurred to Mary: she had been grieving for 10 years over her past. She had been powerless on her own to let it go. Mary realized the area of her powerlessness was greater than just the ability to help herself deal with being restored. Mary needed God’s grace and power to deal with this grief, an area of unmanageability, Beattie’s book spoke on. Her grief had become unmanageable. It was always there reminding her of what she lost. But then she didn’t focus on what she had and all the blessings of her life right now.
As Mary pondered all that had happened she watched the landscape green with ripeness. The harvest was near, the wheat was already being gathered, and all around her life thrived. To her right she viewed horses and colts that filled a large acreage of land with a pond where many ducks and geese gathered to dip their feathers. Herons flew overhead and a rabbit almost got itself run over as Mary’s distractions changed her focus. At the last minute the puffy white tailed bunny skipped back into the bushy ditch and Mary breathed a sigh of relief.
She drew another breath realizing she had surrendered her life yesterday and admitted her powerlessness. This relinquishment of grieving the past was just another area she needed to let God deal with because she knew she needed his help.
Perhaps, Mary thought to herself, the best way to deal with it was to recall it to mind, write it down, and bury it or burn it. The latter would help to put closure on that period. She needed to do it and knew somehow that facing what happened once again might help her finally let it go – with God’s help, of course. With that thought in mind Mary continued her journey and soon found herself pulling into her driveway at home.
Mary would have to do a few things first to free up time to journal; like make a salad for dinner, see a client that was coming and perhaps do a bit of shopping later on. Of course there was the book she was reading and she didn’t want to ignore it. She realized as she spoke she might be looking for excuses to avoid dealing with this issue. But Mary knew she must be kind to herself, as well.
She would close this chapter in due time but it would be by the power and grace of God. Mary thanked her saviour as she put her keys and purse away. She would get on with her day and see where God took her. It would be a good day and His wonders He would unfold. He who opened doors would also close them. With that assurance Mary went on with her day.
However, after much thought he opened up to reveal that he felt the past was the past and was a closed chapter. Robin questioned Mary “It was over 10 years ago. When will you stop grieving?” Robin had brought up something that was true, of course, and it confirmed something God had shown her while she had been out on her morning walk earlier in the day. God had allowed Mary to see that she was indeed a chaplain now, ministering to many people through counselling, through friends, and all those who crossed her path. She had healed many, evicted some demons from the souls of the distressed, and had spread the gospel to those she met.
Mary realized something; her chaplaincy didn’t look like she initially thought it should appear. But she was doing God’s work. She needed to put closure on the past and get on with it. Did this mean she hadn’t heard from God? No, in fact Mary knew God had spoken. But Mary realized how God would work and restore things was beyond her comprehension.
Another revelation occurred to Mary: she had been grieving for 10 years over her past. She had been powerless on her own to let it go. Mary realized the area of her powerlessness was greater than just the ability to help herself deal with being restored. Mary needed God’s grace and power to deal with this grief, an area of unmanageability, Beattie’s book spoke on. Her grief had become unmanageable. It was always there reminding her of what she lost. But then she didn’t focus on what she had and all the blessings of her life right now.
As Mary pondered all that had happened she watched the landscape green with ripeness. The harvest was near, the wheat was already being gathered, and all around her life thrived. To her right she viewed horses and colts that filled a large acreage of land with a pond where many ducks and geese gathered to dip their feathers. Herons flew overhead and a rabbit almost got itself run over as Mary’s distractions changed her focus. At the last minute the puffy white tailed bunny skipped back into the bushy ditch and Mary breathed a sigh of relief.
She drew another breath realizing she had surrendered her life yesterday and admitted her powerlessness. This relinquishment of grieving the past was just another area she needed to let God deal with because she knew she needed his help.
Perhaps, Mary thought to herself, the best way to deal with it was to recall it to mind, write it down, and bury it or burn it. The latter would help to put closure on that period. She needed to do it and knew somehow that facing what happened once again might help her finally let it go – with God’s help, of course. With that thought in mind Mary continued her journey and soon found herself pulling into her driveway at home.
Mary would have to do a few things first to free up time to journal; like make a salad for dinner, see a client that was coming and perhaps do a bit of shopping later on. Of course there was the book she was reading and she didn’t want to ignore it. She realized as she spoke she might be looking for excuses to avoid dealing with this issue. But Mary knew she must be kind to herself, as well.
She would close this chapter in due time but it would be by the power and grace of God. Mary thanked her saviour as she put her keys and purse away. She would get on with her day and see where God took her. It would be a good day and His wonders He would unfold. He who opened doors would also close them. With that assurance Mary went on with her day.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
God Restores the Years of the Locust
Mary had another breakthrough. It came weeks after the incident at the food bank and the realization she needed to respect herself more. She had begun to read Melody Beattie’s Codependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps. She had come across it nonchalantly, as grace experiences often do, while out on the July 1st holiday. She and her husband Robin had gone for a pleasant walk to historical Fort Malden in Amherstburg. While on their excursion they had come across a newly opened book store. It was small inside and had a nice cross selection of all the relevant books in many categories. They even had a nice used book section. It was one paperback on a table of books outside that caught her eye; good deals often did.
She had passed it by initially when she saw it on the clearance table outside and had gone inside the store to see what they offered. She was actually going to walk away without buying it but something inspired her to purchase it.
The book was meat to her soul. Mary had to resist devouring it in one day. She wanted to take it in slowly. She had done enough of that kind of speed reading in university. She wanted to savour this one and get what was important from it and not miss something God might have for her.
Mary prayed as she began to read asking God to give her wisdom and revelation into His knowledge and will. She had read through the first chapter and was almost through the second when she suddenly comprehended what the message was. It came to Mary, through the words and thoughts of the writer, that she was living a life that had become unmanageable and she had tried everything to fix things, working harder and harder and getting nowhere.
In a nut shell it appeared to Mary that the solution seemed to be to admit it, admit her powerlessness and admit who God was and have faith in Him and what He could do. However, it was more than this. It was the word “restore” that occurred over and over again in the second chapter that kept ringing a note of clarity.
It dawned on Mary that her life had been restored as far as a mate went. God had restored the years the locust had stolen and given her an awesome partner, Robin, in place of her former husband. Robin was everything Peter hadn’t been. From day one Mary had known the blessing Robin was and that he was the fulfilment of this promise of the book of Joel.
But now God seemed to speak to Mary’s heart where the ache and pain had been all these years since chaplaincy had turned out to be robbed from her. She knew that part of that loss was her own doing but she knew also that when God restored the past losses it didn’t matter who was at fault. Mary felt God was showing her that she must surrender this area of grief and hurt over to Him. She must have faith in God. God was going to restore her position and financial lost. In fact, as she sat on the couch praying and surrendering she was sure she heard God say that He was angry at her loss because He had chosen her. He, too, had been robbed when she had been robbed. But now He seemed to be saying that no longer would she be overlooked, the day was coming when those requiring her services would be in competition for her talents. She would have the delight of having a choice! The nice thing was that if she let God, He would fight for her and all she had to do was hold her peace!
Mary cried and cried as she listened to the voice speaking. Though she was a little unsure of it she knew she had to have faith and trust God. If He spoke then He would bring it all to fruition. Mary was comforted at God’s words that He had been just as angry as Mary had been at her robbery and that He had been robbed as well. She felt loved and reassured. She was on the right track and the book was a blessing already after only two chapters. She would continue and see what else God would reveal through the book.
Mary was more excited than she had been in a long time. However, her spirits were dampened by the nagging fear of what the future would hold and the responsibilities all this might entail. Yet, Mary knew that God was in charge. She had given her life anew again for the umpteenth time today. It felt good to renew her trust in Him. God had held her up in many difficulties; He had brought great things to past. How could she forget all God had done? He was still the same. In fact, He was the same yesterday, today and forever. Her hope was in Him and that is where she would keep her focus as He carried out His plans for her life.
She would think no more of it. Mary swished aware her fears with thoughts of all God had already done for her. He had restored her in one area and would restore her in this arena, Mary was sure. With that Mary picked up her book and absorbed herself within the pages of Chapter three. She couldn't wait to see what God would say next.
She had passed it by initially when she saw it on the clearance table outside and had gone inside the store to see what they offered. She was actually going to walk away without buying it but something inspired her to purchase it.
The book was meat to her soul. Mary had to resist devouring it in one day. She wanted to take it in slowly. She had done enough of that kind of speed reading in university. She wanted to savour this one and get what was important from it and not miss something God might have for her.
Mary prayed as she began to read asking God to give her wisdom and revelation into His knowledge and will. She had read through the first chapter and was almost through the second when she suddenly comprehended what the message was. It came to Mary, through the words and thoughts of the writer, that she was living a life that had become unmanageable and she had tried everything to fix things, working harder and harder and getting nowhere.
In a nut shell it appeared to Mary that the solution seemed to be to admit it, admit her powerlessness and admit who God was and have faith in Him and what He could do. However, it was more than this. It was the word “restore” that occurred over and over again in the second chapter that kept ringing a note of clarity.
It dawned on Mary that her life had been restored as far as a mate went. God had restored the years the locust had stolen and given her an awesome partner, Robin, in place of her former husband. Robin was everything Peter hadn’t been. From day one Mary had known the blessing Robin was and that he was the fulfilment of this promise of the book of Joel.
But now God seemed to speak to Mary’s heart where the ache and pain had been all these years since chaplaincy had turned out to be robbed from her. She knew that part of that loss was her own doing but she knew also that when God restored the past losses it didn’t matter who was at fault. Mary felt God was showing her that she must surrender this area of grief and hurt over to Him. She must have faith in God. God was going to restore her position and financial lost. In fact, as she sat on the couch praying and surrendering she was sure she heard God say that He was angry at her loss because He had chosen her. He, too, had been robbed when she had been robbed. But now He seemed to be saying that no longer would she be overlooked, the day was coming when those requiring her services would be in competition for her talents. She would have the delight of having a choice! The nice thing was that if she let God, He would fight for her and all she had to do was hold her peace!
Mary cried and cried as she listened to the voice speaking. Though she was a little unsure of it she knew she had to have faith and trust God. If He spoke then He would bring it all to fruition. Mary was comforted at God’s words that He had been just as angry as Mary had been at her robbery and that He had been robbed as well. She felt loved and reassured. She was on the right track and the book was a blessing already after only two chapters. She would continue and see what else God would reveal through the book.
Mary was more excited than she had been in a long time. However, her spirits were dampened by the nagging fear of what the future would hold and the responsibilities all this might entail. Yet, Mary knew that God was in charge. She had given her life anew again for the umpteenth time today. It felt good to renew her trust in Him. God had held her up in many difficulties; He had brought great things to past. How could she forget all God had done? He was still the same. In fact, He was the same yesterday, today and forever. Her hope was in Him and that is where she would keep her focus as He carried out His plans for her life.
She would think no more of it. Mary swished aware her fears with thoughts of all God had already done for her. He had restored her in one area and would restore her in this arena, Mary was sure. With that Mary picked up her book and absorbed herself within the pages of Chapter three. She couldn't wait to see what God would say next.
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