Peeking Through a Closing Door

One of the annoying things Mary was dealing with was an incessant nagging feeling inside her. Regarding the past chaplaincy situation Mary had beat herself up over and over for her mistakes. What was worst was none of the self abuse changed what happened and the doors to any career in that field dried up. Now Mary feared a repetition of this with the sale of her home. Would her failure to listen to Robin’s advice to bring in a lower counter offer be the demise of her dream to sell this place and buy the cottage?
Mary believed that the doors closed on chaplaincy because of her past behaviour and that she was bearing the fruit of her mistakes. At first she had been angry at the supervisor whose authority she was working under. Later Mary was able to recognize her part in the ordeal, write to the chaplain, and ask forgiveness. But it was only after much, much time and God’s grace that Mary was able to take responsibility for her actions. What actions, you might ask?
Well it all started while Mary was doing a three month training period along with 6 other students at a woman’s Correction facility. Mary had been supervised by a chaplain named Joyce at the time. There was nothing out of the ordinary in this relationship. In fact, Mary and Joyce seemed to get along well as Mary smoked at the time and so did the chaplain. They would often discuss any difficulties outside the units while they imbibed.
It was at the end of this time that Joyce took Mary aside and asked her if she wanted a job. It would only be for three months replacing another chaplain who was going into the hospital for surgery. Mary was at the end of her schooling and training, as far as she wanted to go, at least, and so felt this was direction from God.
Oddly enough a blessing had come at this time from Mary’s sister Martha. Martha was moving her office job into her home and decided she didn’t need all her dress up clothes. Martha had driven up to Toronto at about this time with this huge box of beautiful clothes for Mary. Mary was delighted because she had nothing to wear other than blue jeans and sweatshirts after 7 years of university.
So God handed this job to Mary and provided the most beautiful clothes to wear there. The position was within Corrections in a men’s treatment facility right next door to the women’s institution where Mary interned under Joyce. The condition of Mary’s interment involved Joyce’s supervision which included periodical visits. This gave Mary the opportunity to voice any problems she was having. It all seemed wonderful to Mary. She had got along well with Joyce and didn’t foresee any problems.
Now as Mary looked back she smiled sadly at that. It had begun on good footing with the two women meeting each week usually for a cigarette in one of the men’s units. They had private smoking rooms and this availed the two women the opportunity to share and have a break together.
Among Mary’s duties were counselling the men in her office and in their units, having services in the chapel and looking after the requests of the men. As well, during this period Mary ran a course for the men and led a sing song. After a couple months of working Mary got to know the men and the place quite well. It was now getting close to Christmas. With the help of some inmates Mary dug around in the chapel’s store rooms to see if she could find some festive banners to put up in the chapel for Christmas. There was some old tattered material that was worn out with age. Mary thought it would be nice to design and make some new banners. After all, she had all this available man power to help her. Why not take advantage of it. Why not? She didn’t know why not at the time. It wasn’t until years later a wise woman shared with Mary that you should never go in where someone worked and tried to change the way they ran things.
So Mary in her blissful ignorance coordinated a team of men to work on a project to make some new banners for the chapel. Jake was one of the younger men there at the prison. He was very artistic. Between Mary and Jake they created a new design for the banner in the sanctuary. They would be of two angels holding up harps.
The banners were almost complete. Because of the large size of these angelic streamers Jake and a few guys were working on the outlines of them on the floor outside the chapel. Mary was watching them work away when Joyce happened to come over to the chapel for a visit.
One look told Mary that Joyce was not too pleased. So over a cigarette Joyce informed Mary that she was not happy with new banners. They didn’t need them. Joyce also told Mary that it was not a good idea to promote the concept of angels holding harps because no one really knew if there such a thing in heaven!. Mary had been very upset and every store she went into during this festive season she had seen angels and harps. But to pacify the chaplain Mary had changed the design. The harp became a scroll with the words “The Good News of Jesus Christ” printed on them.
This incident began a rift between the two women. Afterwards, Mary saw her own resistance to authority as the problem. She had gotten all puffed up with pride and should have asked Joyce if it was alright to make these banners. But Mary had not.
The strain in the two women’s relationship was exacerbated soon afterwards when Mary encouraged, by a few of the men, decided to start a choir in the chapel. The men told her there had been one in the past and so Mary didn’t see anything wrong in this. However, once again Mary did not advise Joyce on this. When Joyce did find out all hell broke loose. Joyce insisted there had never been a choir there though one inmate showed Mary proof that there was.
When all was said and done Mary left on anything but amicable grounds with Joyce. Mary had ended staying for five months because of complications with the other chaplain’s surgery but Mary didn’t get a great send off by Joyce.
When the day came to say goodbye Joyce told Mary they would be holding another period of training at this prison. Joyce added that Mary should take the opportunity and do another internship. However, at the time Mary felt she had just worked in this facility as a chaplain. She told Joyce she would feel uncomfortable going back here as a student. It would just feel weird and a little embarrassing.
Mary was tired of taking classes anyways. She just wanted to get to work in the field. She could use the money, as well. When she left Mary knew that things didn’t end so great. Worse, was when she sent in applications and resumes into the head office regarding available chaplaincy positions. Mary never got any return to her inquiries. When one application failed to receive any response she mailed another one in. The lack of responses crippled Mary emotionally.
What was one going to do with seven years of religious training in any other field besides the one she was in? Nothing. There was nowhere to go and no one to help her. Joyce had encouraged her to take more training but Mary had felt beat and worn out from giving her all to those years of study. She didn’t have it in her.
So the door to chaplaincy had closed but Mary had kept the grief of it in her heart all these years looking back but never able to do anything about it but beat herself up. She had looked at the failures from every angle and over the years the pain of it had grown a little less but always her failures faced her. “If only if I would have done this or had done that”, she would often, mentally say to herself.
But somewhere in her heart Mary knew her ignorance of what was protocol prevented her at the time from doing anything any different than she did. As well, being weary from studying prevented her from having any desire in continuing with her academics. At the time Mary assumed, though wrongly, that all that training and 5 months work experience would count for something but it didn’t.
And, now? Well now Mary felt the same nagging fear that she experienced back then. She dreaded the possibility that she had done the same thing all over again. She had made a mistake, failed, and now she feared the dream of her cottage would dissipate like a vapour just as her dream of chaplaincy had dissolved. Mary could only dry her tears as they came flooding down on her way to services that Sunday morning.
Prior to leaving for church Mary had written a check for their tithe. Mary considered adding a little extra money she made from the sale of two paintings that weekend. She had been inspired to have a sale during the Art in the Park sale in town. She didn’t have the money to buy a spot there but could set up her paintings outside her home.
It was a couple with a cottage, ironically, who bought two of them for next to nothing. Mary was glad anyways. However, when it came time to put some of her earnings in her envelope for the church she decided on not giving the whole thing as she had initially planned. They had too many bills and not enough money.
However, when she got to church and heard the sermon preached on forgiveness and bitterness Mary felt the desire to give the rest of her earnings because the Pastor said sometimes lack of blessings and financial problems arise out of un-forgiveness. So it was with great delight when a second, unexpected collection was called that Mary decided to give all the money she had made. She was glad God gave her a second chance.
It was good too, because Mary hoped that giving her all would bear fruit inside of her: a peace beyond all understanding and grace to finally let go of this past wound. It wasn’t so much anymore that she had to forgive anyone else. Rather, Mary recognized it was herself she needed to forgive for her mistakes.
This she did. Did the peace the pastor spoke of come as a result? No, she still felt sad. There was such heaviness in her heart. Was it grief or what? She didn’t know. All she did know was that it didn’t feel like the Shalom the pastor had promised.
But the day was young and despite Mary’s feelings of being unsettled she knew God was at work. After all, her faith taught her not to depend on her feelings she was experiencing. So Mary decided to trust God, believe the best, and close the door on chaplaincy. Mary visualized herself turning the key in the lock to that chapter of her life. She took the key and threw it in the air way behind her and never looked back. Mary had now done everything she could to let go of the past. It was done. “No more peeking”, Mary told herself. It is done. As for the cottage: well Mary was going to show herself mercy and forgive herself. Her hope, after all, was in the Lord, and not what she did or didn’t do. Mary smiled to herself. Tomorrow was another day and today had enough worries of its own. She would rest in that fact that she couldn’t do anything about a day that wasn’t even here yet. And Mary echoed the song in her head “Tomorrow, tomorrow, there’s always tomorrow. It is only a day away”.
P.S. Later that night God reminded Mary to read from Isaiah 43. As she did she read this:
Isa 43:18-19

"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland

.
NIV

No Deal

There was a battle going on. Two opposing sides had taken position. One side attacked Mary vehemently arguing their point that she had failed and so she would never sell the house now. The other camp cheered Mary on encouraging her to trust God: all things worked together for good for those who loved God.
The war erupted when the deal with the potential buyer had fallen through. Everything had looked so promising. The agent had shown the woman through Mary’s house not once but twice and the second time reassured Mary that an offer was coming.
It seemed right from day one. The agent who appeared at Mary’s door was familiar. Recently, she had seen him all over the place and Mary saw this as a good sign. Another good omen was the fact the speed with which everything happened but maybe it was too fast.
However, when it came down to an offer the woman wanted to give them $12,000 less than they asked. As well, she wanted to be in their house in 5 weeks! Robin and Mary could not go for either of these conditions as they needed time to fix up the new place and they needed money to do it with! After all, it needed a furnace, insulation and dry wall – and that was just upstairs! Therefore in their counter offer Mary and Robin came back with a bid only $2,000 less than their asking price raised the price and they asked for another month for the closing date. Mary and Robin’s never expected the woman’s response. They both assumed she would come back with more money and that they would counter offer again. They figured there would be more haggling but that eventually they would come to an agreement.
They waited that whole day until the closing time of 9pm when the deal was null and void. Maxine, their agent never phoned back that night. She called the next morning. It was melodramatic. Mary was already deflated and feeling grief. It turned out that the buyer thought Mary and Robin’s counter offer was too high and that they weren’t going to come down much. She decided not to pursue it and was going to look for another place even though her agent encouraged her to put in another bid.
It had been days since that disappointment. Mary had beaten herself up until there wasn’t much left. She had analyzed her actions and apologized to both Robin and God for perhaps asking too much money, for in fact it was her idea. Mary felt they couldn’t go too low in their offer because she wanted to make sure they got what they needed to do some work on the cottage. Robin had wanted to take less. She wished she had listened to him.
Mary felt it was all over and was thinking the worst. She was done in by the whole ordeal. She talked to Carolynn about it later after another couple came to look at the house. Mary had no feelings about these people at all and felt indifferent, in fact. Carolynn reminded Mary how she had responded to the first couple assuming they were going to buy. “You never know, Mary” Carolyn said. “Perhaps this will end out differently than you think.”
But Mary was still reeling from the sudden decision of the first client to back out of the deal. She had become so negative and had to ask herself why. It was a little later in the day it dawned on Mary that the feelings around this incident reminded her of the time when a future in chaplaincy seemed to slip through her fingers.
Mary’s thoughts resisted looking back at that painful period that she was trying to close the chapter on. She had held on to it for 10 years: the memories, the regrets, and all the what if’s and should haves of that period. She just wanted to forget the past as she had gotten rid of all her books, cancelled the advertising for her counselling and was eager to move on. Perhaps before she did Mary would have to reminisce one more time. But it was for a good reason: to try to understand why she was feeling so negative about the present situation.
Maybe one final thing she needed to do as she closed the chapter on chaplaincy was consider the incident that led to the stress these last 10 years. “Yes”, Mary said to herself, she would. She had to as she didn’t have any other recourse. She wanted to end this blackness of shame and regret that hovered around her. This present weight might be lifted if she looked at the past and asked God in to reveal the truth and really close the door on that past. “Okay” , Mary said to herself: “You can do this one more time. Just do it, girl, do it!” With that encouragement Mary settled back to reflect.

The Reunion

During all the excitement of buying a cottage and preparing the house for sale Mary received a surprise phone call. Actually, the call was secondary to the earlier development that came. The interesting thing about this was that everything occurred nonchalantly. There was no build up, no planning, and preparation.
One day a few weeks back Mary’s sister, Martha emailed her that she had found their cousins! At the time Mary found it quite amusing. She was in shock. What was happening wasn’t sinking in even though eventually she saw three of her cousins on Face book. The canny resemblance was un-deniable. However, despite this the reality of their existence did not penetrate Mary’s soul until the phone call.
It came as she was preparing for Robins’ dinner. It was as casual as Martha’s news that she had discovered their long lost family. In fact, the person on the other end of the phone was one of them; a cousin named Larry!.
The whole discussion was a blur to Mary. What were not so vague were the emotions the conversation stirred up. Larry was not only very kind but supportive but why? Mary felt a total stranger that shared “if you ever need anything, let us know” must be up to something. She was suspicious initially but the more they talked the more Mary relaxed and laughed. This guy was for real so much so that Mary let her guard down and shared her fears that her cousins might end up being like her father.
Mary shared that her father had been very abusive and frightening. As the conversation continued Mary found herself crying. She became overwhelmed with joy and sadness. Joy that what was lost was now found and sadness at the distance that separated them all. And there were many of them and mostly men! It was funny to feel so many mixed emotions at once.
Mary had to excuse herself and end the conversation as she had to go and pick up Robin but her cousin Larry promised there would be more calls and that though Mary’s father had abandoned them her new family would not.
The drive to Windsor was very tearful for Mary and after much crying she got to the church no worse for the wear but definitely exhausted. Robin who always had insight found this whole new discovery quite mind blowing because Mary had wanted to have a reunion of her family at the beginning of the year. The idea had sort of dissolved because of the lack of enthusiasm and obstacles to everyone getting together. Now here was a reunion that Mary had nothing to do with!
It hit Mary that this was all in God’s hands and his doing. Though God had used Martha, it came to Mary that perhaps this was not only a reunion but another restoration. God was restoring her to a family she never knew. It was yet another avenue God was restoring the years the locust had stolen.
Mary wondered in her heart of hearts if her own father might have ached for his children to know his family. They had never had that opportunity. When he left disgraced and had gone to prison Mary and her siblings were told to share with anyone who asked that their father was dead.
Mary could recall being a young girl and fabricating this imaginary story of her father entailing a heroic death. It became so real to Mary having told it so many times that when she did finally meet her father in her early 30’s she was as overwhelmed as if he had rose from the dead!
As Mary reflected back to that time more tears came to her eyes. Recently, as she was going through her journals to dispose of them, she had found all her father’s letters he had written to her. They dated back to those few years she had corresponded with him and visited him. Unfortunately, there visits grew less and less frequent when his alcoholic thinking became demented. He began believing all kinds of lies about Mary that grew out his addicted brain.
The culmination of these visits came when he began to make Mary sit behind him. She was forced to look at the back of his head while he looked at her through a mirror. It was the most painful and ugly feeling she ever felt. Mary felt so helpless for how could you defend yourself against such crazy thinking? When Mary’s father died she got a call in the night from the hospital. She felt nothing, nothing at all. The next few days during the funeral and mass held in his honour Mary shed not a tear although she could hear her siblings beside her silently weeping.
She never cried for her father.
His death had ended a torturous period for her; a failure on her part to reconcile, as she saw it. You see, Mary had made the attempt to go and see him after discovering where he lived in downtown Toronto. At that time Mary wasn’t use to too many failures, until later. Perhaps she had gone for all the wrong reasons wanting to do the “good Christian” thing. She was curious though. But curiosity killed the cat.
It had dealt a mortal blow to Mary’s soul. Mary had not allowed herself to feel – at least about her father. Though she had tried to remain indifferent at the end of the call from her cousin Mary’s soul had been awakened to the grief that had been left undealt with.
Vivid memories of her father’s alcoholic outbursts, his verbal diatribes, and physical abuses upon her mother all came to bear on Mary’s heart at that moment. Eventually, this unfinished business with her father led Mary to marry a man much like her father in many ways. Mary’s mother said so. Ironically, momma was very fond of Mary’s husband.
Now as Mary sat reflecting she realized she had to get control of herself and focus. Why, you might ask? The agent had phoned and said an offer for the house was coming tonight. Arrangements had been made to meet at 8pm; that was only an hour away. Mary had so many emotions going on at this point between what entailed excitement over the potential sale of the house, joy at hearing from family and fear at what could happen.
All these questions began to come at her: what if the cousins are like their father and want to hurt them? What if they want to steal from them? So many questions came with no answers that Mary had to stop herself. She needed to cast down these imaginations and remind herself of the promise that every good gift came from the father of the heavenly luminaries as it said in scripture. As well, if this was a promise of restoration by God then she must trust Him. Wasn’t trust what God had been asking of Mary lately? Yes, she knew this in her heart. She would take one step at a time. For now she would prepare for the agent coming with his offer. She made a silent prayer for wisdom as to how to proceed and left thoughts of her father and his family to a later time. This moment’s troubles were enough for now. She wouldn’t worry but trust because every good and perfect gift came down from her true Father in heaven. And so she would trust, and trust she did.

Ant Hills, Drowned Rats, and Giving Thanks

It was only Tuesday and already Mary was tired. Yet she was excited. On Saturday in the middle of them moving three rooms around the agent phoned to say they had someone that wanted to look at the house that afternoon at 2.30pm. Internally, Mary was in hysterics realizing the absurdities of the situation. Mary discussed the timing with Robin who didn’t seem to have a problem with it. However, Mary explained the situation to the realtor who phoned the other agent. He graciously offered to come later between 3.30 and 4pm.
If you have ever watched an ant hill when someone has come along to disturb it you can visual the scene that took place on this pretty little street in Amherstburg. Mary and Robin worked diligently running back and forth to their nest, lifting and moving stuff much bigger than themselves, and stepping on each other in the process. But exactly at 4pm when the second bed was put into place and made up in the room that had been Robin’s office there came a knock on the door! It had been God’s perfect timing.
Mary answered the door and to her surprise was this agent she had begun to see all over the place whether in the newspaper, on billboards, or wherever she went. This was a good sign to Mary as she had never recognized how much she had seen him around until she saw him in person. She had remarked to herself many times how much she thought he looked like Windsor’s mayor. Now here he stood in front of her smiling away and as sweet as could be. With him was a woman in her 40’s and a young teenager.
Mary smiled at the three of them. “Hi, there”, she said. As she did Mary handed him a piece of paper with her cell phone on it. Then she explained: “My husband and I will take the dogs for a walk to the park so you can phone us there. Just give me a second to get out the back door and come on in. We have an excitable Jack Russell”. That was all she said knowing that when you mentioned that breed of dog most people immediately realized the personality and temperament of them!
“We’ll try not to be too long”, said the agent. “It is raining”. Mary smiled again, “that’s alright. It is a nice warm day and it shouldn’t be too bad.” With that Mary started walking towards the back of the house throwing over her shoulder, “Come on in”.
Mary and Robin left in a hurry but found there walk was so pleasant despite the rain that they slowed down to a relaxed pace. The” look through” by the agent might be very brief and they may be back shortly so Mary and Robin meandered their way down to the park in the drizzle. There was no one there, not surprisingly. This was a good thing because there was also no one their dogs could bark at so it was quite a lovely and quiet walk.
It was over a half hour and they still hadn’t heard anything from the agent and Mary piped up, “Let’s start walking back. We can always stop at Carolynn’s house and wait there if we see the realtor’s vehicle is still at our place.” Robin seemed to like this idea especially the idea of getting some shelter somewhere. It was now getting beyond enjoyable as all four of them looked like drowned rats.
As they walked down their street Mary remarked, “Gee, they are still at the house. Well, I guess we might as well see if Carolynn is home.” Carolynn’s house was just up the side street and they could actually see if the realtor’s car went by from her veranda.
After a rap on her door Carolynn came to the door. “Hi Carolynn, said Mary. Can we sit here on your porch? An agent is showing the house. They have been in there more than a half hour.”
“Oh, said Carolynn excitedly, that is a good thing”.
“That’s for sure”, said Mary. Both knew that the longer an agent and his client were there meant only one thing: they liked the place. The discussion over the house was beginning to turn into idle chatter when they saw the agent’s car go by. At the same time the call came from him that they were finished in the house. He expressed his thanks and remarked how beautifully the house was decorated and how well it “showed”.
Mary smiled a big smile when she got off the phone and shared the news. It was good and encouraging to hear this report. But Mary and Robin were too tired and wet to stay and talk anymore. They hurried home with the dogs where they dried them off, turned off all the lights in the house, and sat down for a quiet evening.
Sunday was more of the same: quiet and restful. Both Mary and Robin were too tired to go to church so they slept in and relaxed. No news came from the agent that day.
Monday morning came around and it was back to work for Robin. On the drive in Mary and Robin prayed as usual. Mary and Robin were down to their last couple of dollars before Tuesday when they could cash Robin’s small check he got for some extra work he did. In Mary’s prayer was the request for some cold hard cash to buy cat food. They were right out of it and with five cats you didn’t want to run out of that!
Robin suggested Mary take the postdated check and deposit it in the bank machine indicating that if probably wouldn’t go through until the next day as it had to go all the way to Toronto to be processed. This was news to Mary who argued she thought they had people working right there all night to process any checks. Mary would have to check this out with the teller at the bank later because they could sure use the money right now.
On her return home Mary sat down and wrote a note to a local pastor she needed to tie up loose ends with. Along with her note she planned to give him a present of one of her paintings on glass. Once the note was finished Mary trudged out to the car with her large piece of artwork with the lighthouse design on it.
When Mary got to the church there wasn’t anyone there so she left her card and gift with two locals who she knew attended that parish. After giving them a hug and kiss she embarked to her friend Barbara’s house to drop off some Christian Cds and books she had saved for her when she cleaned out her office. She was a new Christian and Mary knew Barbara had little in the way of Christian influence in her library.
That visit took a little longer than Mary expected as Barbara wasn’t doing too well. The woman had cancer and some days were like that. You never knew with cancer how you would feel. This was one of those bad days for Barbara. So instead of just dropping off the books Mary stayed and chitchatted with her friend for a while and then went and picked her up three banana nut muffins from Tim Horton’s. It was the only thing Barbara felt like eating. Cancer did that to a person. Mary was grateful she had gone to cheer this woman up as she needed it this day. Later in the afternoon, after Barbara had time to go through the stuff Mary gave her, she phoned Mary back to thank her. It was nice someone appreciated her gifts. Gratitude is so nice, thought Mary.
With that she began to give thanks to God for all the things he had done that day. The first thing was Mary’s gratitude for the news from the teller at the bank. She had said, that yes, they could deposit the money in the machine today and withdraw it also as the Brink truck would take it to Toronto tonight and it wouldn’t be processed until tomorrow, just as Robin had said.
Mary then thanked God that the agent had phoned and said the people who looked at the house on Saturday wanted another viewing! She also praised God for the coffee pot that she got at St. Vincent de Paul. Theirs had broken. When Mary had gone to the second hand shop that day she was delighted to find out that the “miscellaneous” items which included coffee pots were on half price. There was one there that was perfect. Mary ended up paying $2.49 for her little treasure!
Mary’s litany of praise and thanks went on as she viewed her email and saw two individuals were interested in buying her old steam trunk and her old TV set they had sitting around. That meant money in her pocket.
Later that night, after a lengthy return visit by the agent and clients, Mary found herself thanking God as she took the money for the old TV set. The buyer had met Mary at the house despite the agent still being there. Mary had come back to the house early and left Robin walking the dogs. She had told the party interested in the television that she didn’t think it would be much longer than an hour that she would have to wait to get back into the house. She had been wrong. Albeit, though the buyers weren’t gone, they were on their way outside to look at the yard and so Mary was able to take her customer in and sell him the TV.
As Mary went up to bed that night there were many things on her mind but her gratitude to God was most prominent. The last few days had been full and in one incident after another she saw God’s handy work and answers to prayer. Now as she lay down her head for a much needed rest she smiled once more and thanked her God and soon was sound asleep.

DeCluttering

Friday started with a commitment to rid her library of all those books that represented that big chapter of her life containing counselling and chaplaincy. As Mary began to go through everything she recognized she was closing the door on more than an isolated moment in time. As she worked through what she had accumulated awareness grew that she was letting go of much of her past. It was something that could have been overwhelming and a daunting task if she had of realized this from the beginning.
Mary began to box up the books from chaplaincy. As she did she saw some books that she never opened that just seemed unnecessary. These she stacked into one pile. Another pile soon arose of books that were all pertaining to the Catholic Church: books on the sacraments, divorce, homosexuality, the saints and you have it. She ended taking these to the St. Vincent de Paul. It seemed fitting because this was a catholic organization.
By the time Mary was through she had six boxes of books; two of them she had decided would go to a woman at the church who counselled. Some she would let her friends dig through and others would go to the second hand store. Relieved at the finished job Mary decided to take a break.
However, as she went outside to the garbage can to get rid of unviersity lecture notes and the like, Mary realized her job was not finished at all. First off, the sadness she thought she was getting rid of seemed to be increased as she went through this process! Secondly, Mary recognized she might need to get rid of 30 years of journals that contained her past experiences. Could she let them go? Would she? She always thought she needed them to write the book that was in her. While she was outside contemplating this the butterfly that had appeared a few days ago fluttered by!
Yes, that beautiful black creature with blue spots on his back flittered around her as she stood there. Mary was pleased and spoke to the little thing, “So nice to see you again, my friend. “ Mary smiled a big smile delighted that God had shown up. It came to Mary at that moment the only other time she had seen a butterfly like this one was up at her first cottage! Now here it was back in the present as she put closure on her past life preparing for her new life at the new cottage! “Wow”, thought Mary:” God, this is your way of encouraging me, isn’t it?”
Mary felt God was not only restoring the cottage that life took from her but was supporting her in a decision to get rid of the years of grief and pain that lay hid in the” hope” chest. Mary laughed at the irony of it especially when she considered that the hope chest was an old black steamer trunk. This was a more apt name as her journals contained much blackness and lots of blown off steam. Mary shook her head laughing and went back inside the house.
A knock on the door interrupted Mary’s work. It was Carolyn come to look through her books. Mary shared with Carolyn the recent inspiration to divest herself of all the writings of her past. Carolyn was all for the idea of getting rid of any darkness. It was decided then. Mary would get rid of her diaries. As Mary and Carolyn put the boxes of books into the car the black and blue butterfly appeared again. His appearance seemed to confirm everything that was said and was going to be done. How happy this made Mary!
The disposal of 28 years of journals, notebooks, and loose leaf paper ended up filling over 8 garbage bags. Mary had waited until after Robin came home to do this. He had been with her the last seven years in this house as she had tried to put closure on that grief anyways. It was right that he was the one who helped Mary dispose of them. As Mary dumped much of her past into black bags she recognized how all encompassing this process had become. It was good to get rid of this darkness that sat in her office. Mary thought to herself: “Perhaps the weight of it will come off of my body, as well!” It wasn’t like she hadn’t tried every diet under the sun; all those books were going too! It dawned on Mary at that precise moment that perhaps holding on to all those books and journals was also retaining within her a burden of grief stored as fat! Mary shook her head in amazement at that possibility.
The work done for the day Mary sat down with Robin for a well deserved break. She had cleared out half of her books and now had room for Robins DVDs, videos, Cds and the like. Tomorrow they would attempt to amass everything into one office so they could prepare Robin’s room as a bedroom. It was a huge task but it would get done.
The next morning Mary got up early before Robin. She walked down the stairs, let in two of her cats, and made herself a coffee. She opened the door to her office and something hit her. Her office seemed bigger and lighter. The old trunk now empty was still there but the air had lost its cluttered heavy feeling. Mary pondered this for the moment and realized that letting go of this stuff somehow uncluttered this room. Delighted, Mary sat down, sipped her coffee, and prayed for a good day. It already was, she thought, it already was!

An Answer to Prayer

Monday morning presented beautiful weather to drive into work. The air was fresh and breathable. The corn and soybean were green beyond imagination. The corn stalks stood at least five feet tall and the view was breathtaking. It would be a good harvest.
As Mary and Robin travelled along conversing about the view they prayed as usual for their individual concerns. On Mary’s list was the desire to know God’s will for her starting a course on co-dependency. She was unsure if she should go forward with it as they may be in the middle of a move if they sold their house. Mary was glad to give it over to God because she was tired of trying to figure it out herself.
Later at home she felt the desire to clean out her studio and pack her paints. She felt it was a good time to store away all her supplies she had collected for her paintings on glass. She felt God urge her to do this. Lately, she had been taking one step at a time as to what to clean, what to go through, what to get rid of for the prepared move. Today she had decided the studio must be cleaned out.
She packed three large Rubbermaids full of stuff, took four bags of goodies to the St. Vincent de Paul and threw out some paint bottles that were almost empty anyways. She then took pictures of the white knock down cupboards and put them on Kijiji hoping someone might buy them. In the back of her mind was the thought that if she did run the course she could use the studio if her table was the only piece of furniture in the room. Selling the cupboards would free up a lot of sitting room, that’s for sure.
The day continued with nothing more out of the ordinary transpiring. Despite listening to several scriptural chapters from John and listening to three or four speakers on the radio while she packed Mary didn’t get any immediate reply from God.
The last thing Mary did before her trek into Windsor was read the end of the 9th chapter on The Co-dependents’ Guide to the Twelve Steps. As she finished up she shed a few tears recognizing that the person she had harmed the most and needed to forgive the most was herself. She had never trusted herself or God and would have to put forth a great effort to do this.
As she thought about her inability to trust herself she recognized perhaps she was exhibiting this attitude right now as she had begun to second guess herself once again. You see, there had been no response from any potential buyers for the house. As a result, Mary thought all the worst things about herself and even God; maybe she hadn’t heard from God, may she wasn’t following him and on and on it went. This was not good. She believed she trusted and followed God daily so at this point she must have faith that she heard from him and that he was leading her.
As a result, on the way in to church to pick up Robin at 4pm Mary felt a desire to thank and praise God. She wanted to show her faith in God and herself and praising God seemed the fit thing to do. She just felt grateful for what God was doing. She thanked him for the cottage and the sale of the house. Oh, yes, she knew it wasn’t sold yet but believed in faith that it was a done deal.
By the time Mary got to the church she felt light hearted and happy. Joy filled her to the brim. Robin had a good day himself and so the ride home was delightful. The whole day seemed to be ending on a wonderful note despite Mary not hearing from God.
It was while she was sitting on the couch mindlessly watching some Second World War documentary that Mary felt God’s presence. It wasn’t in an audible voice nor anything said on TV. Rather it was just an awareness. Mary realized that months ago Robin had suggested she close the door on chaplaincy. At the time she felt he was right and she had to let go of the burden of the loss of that ministry. However, as she sat there she recognized that perhaps it was time to let go of having a course and perhaps even doing counselling in her home. After all, that would be putting closure on it for good, wouldn’t it? Further, there would be no room in their new home for an office. The new cottage represented new beginnings in more than one way!
As Mary sat on the couch she felt a quiet peace inside. She must let it all go. Anyone else might not see this as making much sense especially if they knew that God had told Mary that he would restore her as a counsellor. But it made all the sense in the world to Mary. She knew in the past she had let go of things completely and only then could God work.
Mary had been in charge these last years with trying to create a career for herself. She hadn’t made a whole lot of money but it gave her a sense of some importance if only a little. Perhaps it was time to let go of this control and let God. Hadn’t God been showing her through the book that she didn’t trust him to provide for her? Perhaps this was all about that provision. At any rate Mary felt a great peace within herself that it was time to close up shop. That meant she had her answer to prayer: she was not to run the course. She would let go of the counselling, as well.

It was a new day with new beginnings. She was a new creation, old things had passed away and all things were new. There was a tinge of sadness at the thought of letting go yet relief. She felt she had been playing a futile game with herself as the only player! Mary didn’t know how this would work out. However, despite the sadness was a relief to put aside all her efforts. She had to. She had to close this chapter. A new one could never begin until she did.

Tomorrow Mary would have to phone the newspaper and discontinue her advertisement for counselling. She felt scared at this thought as it was frightening to let go. Deciding to trust God was not an easy thing, she realized. But she would take one step at a time and one day at a time. She had received her answer to prayer and so would work at this closure business as each opportunity presented itself. For now, she was thankful that God had shown up.

“Thank you, Lord” she sighed. “You are a good God and I will trust you and your promise to always do good for me.” Finally after another moments thought she whispered : “And Lord, I will trust myself that I have heard you too! Night, Lord!” With that Mary left her prayers and wandered off to bed.

Postscript: later that day Mary sold all the cupboards from the studio which she had emptied of her paints supplies! As well, the agent phoned and said they wanted to have a showing on Wednesday. Mary was delighted she had listened to the leading of the spirit and had cleaned the studio of everything but a pretty sitting area!

A Burden Is Lifted

It had been a long tedious week since Robin and Mary had put the house up for sale. Robin had gone back to work and Mary faced the daily tasks of cleaning in areas you normally didn’t see. She had cleaned the lazy Susan. She had emptied cupboards; some items went to the used clothes store, some things went into the garbage and others were packed away for an upcoming garage sale.
As life was readjusting to some normalcy while they waited for some interested buyer for their home Mary returned to reading her book on co-dependency. She was on the chapters dealing with forgiveness. It took Mary a couple of days to get re-interested in the topic not only because it had been a while but because she wasn’t eager to deal with making amends. However, as she began to read again, handing over to God those she might need to deal with, Mary began to feel it was time to let go of some of her burden.
For you see, a burden it had become, weighing upon her heart. This weight had not been healthy for her physically, especially with the rift between her and a cell group leader. Her church had encouraged the congregation to meet with other members as they did in the early church. Mary had gone to one not too far from her for a short period. However, because of the conflict with the leader Mary had walked away from it. She had always felt bad about leaving without giving some sort of explanation why. Mary had a bad habit of doing that because she was not good with confrontation.
She wrestled with phoning Helen, the cell group leader, for a couple of days then found herself obliged to do it the morning she confronted Robin about his issues. Mary had spoken to Robin about some un-forgiveness she saw in his life. As she walked away from sharing with him she realized that she shouldn’t judge so quickly if she wasn’t going to deal with her own baggage!
After dropping Robin off that Friday morning Mary came home and phoned Helen and asked if she could meet her for coffee. A time was set for 12.30pm. Mary was glad for this for it gave her the occasion to sit down and write down beforehand what she wanted to say in person to Helen. It was a gruelling task but the process was good because it enabled her to see the real truth that had been slowly coming to her.
That truth had surfaced as she read the book on codependency. The writer had helped Mary recognize the the person she really needed to forgive the most was herself! Mary recognized she had not trusted herself, valued herself or her own opinion. Over and over again Mary saw in past difficult relationships that she hadn’t been honest, nor did she speak up when she felt wronged. Mary didn’t want to be co-dependent nor did she want to be a victim anymore – even by her own handiwork! She wanted to be responsible for her life. It would be a long hard task and writing this letter and sharing its contents with Helen was only a small part of growing up. But it was a start. After much reflection Mary began to write:

Dear Helen
I am writing to you because sometimes it is easier for me to explain myself on paper rather than in person. I came to Amherstburg 7 years ago and had gone through a divorce, a loss of a mother, loss of a best friend and loss of a job in chaplaincy. I was hurting; not only from all these changes but from years of abuse.
As a result, I was ill prepared for dealing with new relationships when the old had broken me so. I came from a past childhood where abusive authorities taught me to be seen and not heard. The outcome of this was even after I grew up and got married I thought I should be seen and not heard. This led to more abuse. Consequentially, through it all I learned to shut up and never confront. It was the fear and flight syndrome. I seldom was honest with people and didn’t feel confident enough in myself or what I believed or had been taught after 7 years of university to trust myself.
Recently, I have been reading about co-dependency and taking some steps to being healthy. One of them is dealing with people I harmed and/or who have harmed me. You were one of them. You seemed to be one of the people on both my lists! I knew I had hurt you by walking away from your cell group without explanation. You were also one who had hurt me, at least that is what I thought until God revealed to me that each person he brings into our life is a gift. So how could you be a gift and have hurt me too?
I had to take a second look at what happened and begin to look at myself. I see now that being self-aware means to recognize why we do things and why we react to people the way we do. I didn’t know myself well enough because I didn’t like myself very much! I had never been taught either that God loved me or that I should love myself. It was more about dos and don’ts intermixed with that the old voice whispering “be seen and not heard”.
Instead of confronting you about an issue in cell group I let you believe you were right many times because you sat in a place of authority. One particular time comes to mind when you played that movie “Esther” for us. We had a discussion afterwards. During that talk I queried if you had ever heard of a translation that suggested that Esther was asked to display herself naked before the king’s friends. You were sure there was none. I said nothing because I was to be seen and not heard and never confront. So I was angry at you at the time for thinking you knew so much.
I went home that night and looked up what I already knew to be true: that the Jewish Targum translation indicates that Esther was to be paraded nude. I never phoned or shared this. What did I know? You knew better. You were the authority. I found myself very angry and I thought it was at you.
But if I was to commence to do what God was asking me to do, “to see every person as a gift” then I had to see you were a gift to me. As I did that I began to see that the real person I was angry at was me! I reflected on how many times I had let those in authority get away with things because of my low self-esteem despite 7 years of university! I had been taught by rabbis and religious leaders and yet I didn’t trust that or trust myself! It was quite a mixed bag, wasn’t it Helen: I was to be seen and not heard and this was mixed with low self-esteem. But in this bag of tricks was the reality that God had shown me that I wasn’t stupid, had been delivered from an abusive marriage (which I now have to take responsibility for) and gone to U of T and proved myself. I had become a chaplain; even worked in Corrections for a while but when I came here I felt looked down upon. I realize now I didn’t present myself well, I suppose. However, as I am learning to respect myself more and love who God created I am changing.
So you are a gift from him. You forced me to start to look at myself and see the worth that is in me, who I have become, and to stand up for myself. I wasn’t angry at you with the Esther situation but myself!
I should have confronted and spoken up what I knew to be true but the old issues of being seen and not heard and not regarding myself highly enough intervened. So I have to forgive myself for a lot of times in my recent history for not speaking up when I should have. Of course, taking the Undercover course didn’t help but added to being seen and not heard. I have major issues with that course because I have stepped on others toes and have had my toes stepped on as well in trying to be almost subservient to those above. But I see now I have to respect myself and my own authority and who God has generated out of all that has transpired in my life.
So this note has two functions, maybe three. First, I ask you to forgive me for walking away from the group without sharing why I left. I also realize I might have exhibited bizarre behaviour during some of your sessions. Please forgive me. But also forgive me for not being honest about what I knew to be true. I have a lot to offer but have held back because of “snags in my character” (smile).
Second, I choose to forgive you for not knowing everything and yet perhaps pretending you did. I recognize this flaw in myself so readily see it in others. You and I are a lot alike in that way. We both want to generate the respect given to us in a position and so often will pretend we know something we don’t. It is better sometimes to be humble and just say, “Well, I don’t know the answer to that” then to act as if we do. “Know it all’s” irritate people to no end! Believe me I know that is why I can forgive you because I must forgive myself for I am guilty of this fault. I am trying not to imagine I have to know everything. Believe me it’s a lot less of a burden on one’s self to say “I don’t know”. You are responsible before God for the authority he has put in your hands. So use it well and be humble!
Thirdly, I must forgive myself and ask you to forgive me for not confronting and speaking up at the time of the incidents which encouraged me to leave your group. I have not been true to myself or trusted myself but pray that God will give me the grace to speak up quicker without running off.
Finally, I just want to say you were a “hoot” at the last encounter when you did your little talk. You were very entertaining! You came down to the level of the audience and perhaps this was closer to the true Helen then the one who thinks she has to know everything. You don’t. You were being real at the Encounter even though it was because you were on show. I hope and pray you will always be authentic and humble as you grow in the Lord. I am trying! It is not easy!
God bless
Mary

As Mary signed her name to the letter she already felt better. She straightened up her body and stretched and stood up. She looked at the clock and realized she had little time to get ready and go and meet Helen. Printing out a copy of the note Mary tucked it into an envelope unsure if she would give the letter to Helen or not. She knew better now what she wanted to say to Helen. Writing the letter had been a good idea.
Mary had gone to the local Tim Horton’s and purchased an Iced Cappuccino while waiting for Helen. She didn’t have to wait long. Momentarily Mary found herself seated across from Helen sipping away on their drinks sharing the latest news including Mary’s impending move.
Helen was kind and nice and when Mary felt comfortable she shared with Helen what was on her mind. It was not exactly what she had written but she felt she got across to Helen what was important. Helen sat back listening and when Mary was finished said, “of course I forgive you. Can you forgive me?”
Mary felt this was unnecessary as she felt totally responsible for walking away from the group without sharing why. Mary felt glad that Helen had received her act of contrition mercifully and left her meeting with Helen feeling much lighter. Mary recognized why the author of the Co-dependent’s Guide to the Twelve Step encouraged this action of listing those she had harmed. Mary felt fantastic.
She spent the afternoon talking on the phone to friends she had neglected. They were on her list too. However, Mary felt she didn’t owe them an apology. A phone call would do!
Later when she saw Robin she shared her news. He already knew what she had been up to because Mary had text messaged him and asked for prayers before her meeting with Helen. Mary was sure they helped immensely! Mary and Robin’s drive home from work that night included conversation that was light and gay. Mary was hilariously happy! She couldn’t stop laughing even at the silliest things.
She knew the only thing that could explain her good mood was letting go the weight of that burden with Helen. She didn’t know who else God would add to the list but left it in His hands to show her. For now she would enjoy the weekend and the hopeful anticipation of selling the house.
Not only were there new beginnings in store for them in buying this house but Mary felt a closure was being made on relationships she had left up in the air. Mary was thinking about these changes while out in the backyard later that night when she saw the most gorgeous sight. It was either a colourful moth or the most beautiful butterfly she had ever seen.
All she could do as she watched this black winged and blue spotted beauty flirt from tree to tree was to thank God and cry. It was an awesome vision showing forth a bit of God’s glory. All Mary could think was:"If this is His creation how great a sight He must be!" The thought was too wonderful for Mary and she remained suspended in the glory of God’s presence presented there before her for a long time. Finally, Mary reluctantly turned and walked towards the house knowing God’s love, warm within her heart, filling it to capacity. Smiling to herself Mary turned one more time to see the beautiful winged creature do a fanciful turn before her eyes. Delighted Mary closed the door behind her feeling as free and unencumbered as what she had just seen!

Reparations

Here it was Friday night and Mary had spent most of the day cleaning out kitchen drawers and washing the cupboard doors. It was tedious work but the cupboards looked good. In the midst of this Mary had gone a half a dozen times to check to see if the house showed up on the real estate agent’s web site. It was later in the afternoon that Mary saw the listing and was delighted to see the pictures that Maxine, the realtor, had taken. The house looked wonderful.
Mary sat back and reflected on this home of hers that she moved into when she came from Toronto. Once they had been married Robin had moved in with Mary. Though it was a new life for the both of them the past came with Mary. As a result, the house had been a place Mary had done a lot of grieving. With the grieving came healing. It was only within the last months that Mary had decided to stop grieving. She made a choice to let it go. The reminder of this decision came as Robin was cleaning the top of the fridge. He pulled down from its hiding place some paper with Mary’s writing on it.
She had squiggled:

I am sewing my losses/ my grief on this day as a seed. God is going to give me a harvest. Therefore, I release the grief to Jesus.

She remembered that day she had decided to let go and release her grief to Jesus. She had to let it go. It was not helping her to look back at Peter or what happened. Mary could no longer hold on to the past life. It was over and done with. And now, as Mary, considered her decision to sew her losses as a seed she wondered if buying the cottage and selling this house was all a part of the harvest. It seemed a lot of things besides her ex sending her the money for the cottage way back in January may be showing forth their fruits right now.
Further, it seemed to Mary that Robin never felt that this house they lived in was really his because it came from Mary’s finances. However, since that time Robin had worked hard and invested himself and his livelihood into looking after Mary and this home. As they signed the papers for the cottage Mary realized this would be Robin and her home. This was a good thing. Robin was entitled to have his name on this deed. Someday either his descendants or Mary’s would inherit this place. It would be something they created together and would pass on. Mary was glad for this. Robin deserved the best because he was the best. God had restored the years the locust had stolen from her in a marriage partner; though Robin had his faults Mary knew she couldn’t do much better than she had.
Robin had put up with her these last seven years of her grieving. He had stood by her silently most of the time, holding her when she needed it and loving and supporting her through it all. Mary thanked God many times a day for this gift of her husband.
So Mary realized that as Robin was part of God’s restoration for her life so perhaps was this cottage. Eventually, the restoration as a counsellor would come too though at present it seemed Mary was moving further from that goal!
Why there was no room in the tiny cottage to start up a practise again. There might only be room enough for Robin and Mary to share one office never mind have a private one with a private entrance for her business. But it was alright. From day one Mary had been attracted like a magnet to this new domicile. All things were possible with God no matter what we see, thought Mary. Her faith rested in God’s ability and not her inability to see beyond the limitations of this new tiny home.
Mary sat back and smiled. It seemed that this time in her life was all about reparations. God had promised recompenses. It appeared His promises of restoration as a counsellor and this gift of a new dwelling tied in together somehow in that end to be compensated for the past losses. Mary didn’t know the how of it yet but she believed it. Life had thrown her a few fast balls, she had been struck down but not out!
She had got back up and started all over again. Making the relatively recent decision to sew the losses as a seed must be coming to fruition now. It was a good time, this harvest season. And it was a good God Mary served who had promised her a covenant with her to always do good for her. She delighted herself with this thought as she felt the warmth of His love encompass her, reassuring her of the reality of this truth. “Thank you”, she whispered, ‘thank you for keeping your word, thank you, thank you, thank you!”.

Preparing the Way

Mary and Robin had put in a couple counter offers before they and the sellers finally agreed on a price. The cottage was theirs! It was a bit of a relief but now they would have to sell their house. The agents wanted to list their home on Thursday and here it was Sunday. Worse they would be by on Wednesday to take pictures.
It was a blessing in disguise that Robin had taken this particular week off for holidays. They had planned to paint their bedroom anyways. Mary had just to buy the paint. She had picked up all the accessories on sale over the last year and had them stored in her closet. Little did she know she would be getting everything ready to sell the house!
Mary was exhausted by the end of Monday as that day had started with painting the wood French doors between the dining and living rooms that Robin had installed. After that job she had taken the ceiling fans’ blades down and painted them. She had painted the wooden frames and liners for the old Mexican pictures she had picked up at a yard sale. Between these jobs she cleaned and fussed and Robin focused on painting the actual bedroom.
It was almost done by Tuesday night except for putting up all the final touches that would sell this room. The next day around lunch hour Mary stepped back and took a breath. She was pleased. The dark and lighter cream colours on the walls and trim looked marvellous. Adding the red framed pictures, the lamp shades in red, and the other small red touches made the room pop.
By 4:24pm it had all come together and the agents would be here at 4.30pm to take pictures of the interior. Mary was pleased and knew even if the house didn’t sell that this room had needed a makeover badly. It now complimented the rest of the house’s interior decor. She was glad in a way that it happened so fast because if they would have had more time they might have taken the whole week to do the job and now they had a couple days to relax and enjoy their holiday. The house was cleaner than it had ever been even though the garage was packed to the brim with all the excess. Boy, they would have to have some big garage sale once this place sold.
It was now Thursday morning and the agents had come the day before taking measurements and pictures of the whole house. They came and went so quickly that Mary felt quite a letdown. All that work and it seemed that it was for such a brief moment. Mary knew this was not the case for today the listing would attract many buyers and the process had just begun.
The momentary feeling of despondency was followed by uneasiness and insecurity. All the doubts and concerns of leaving started to fill Mary’s heart: were they making the right decision, what would happen to the friendships she had made, and would she be alone out there? The house they were moving to was in such ill repair, this one was just so perfect right now, and maybe this wasn’t God and on and on went the angst.
During prayer the reassuring word came that all things work together for good to them that love God. Romans 8:28 restored Mary’s confidence that no matter what: God had always worked out and would continue to would work out things for her good no matter what!

Reflections

During the next few days counter offers flew back and forth between the buyer and the sellers. Mary was excited as an agreeable price was coming closer and closer. As Mary anxiously waited for the response to her and Robin’s counter offer she had time to reflect on how things seemed to be divinely transpiring.
One of the first things that Mary was reminded of occurred way back in January: Mary’s ex husband had sent her a generous gift. Her ex had promised her “way back when” that if he ever sold the cottage he would send her a small portion of money from the sale of it. Though Peter had not sold the cottage he had heard of her financial predicament from her accountant and sent her some money in advance. It was such a blessing. Mary and Robin had spent half of it on bills and little things and the other half they had given to the church.
Mary and Robin had sewn into the kingdom. Was this the fruits of their labour?
Mary was also reminded of a smaller but still significant thing: on her birthday her sister had sent her a gift certificate from a web site that sold books. Mary had purchased two “cottage” decorating books! She had just been looking at one the other day. She often would sit going over their pretty pages full of wonderful ideas. Oddly enough she had this desire these last months, as well, to paint everything white in her house.
Now she realized she would not be painting this house white but the cottage with all its dark tongue and groove walls. Mary just shook her head in amazement as these things all seemed to tie together as the moment was coming and they would own the cottage. Oh, they would still have to sell their home but that didn’t stop Mary from believing that this little English style house would soon be theirs.
Now on Sunday morning as Mary dressed for church she considered how amazing God was. She could not wait until tomorrow. The real estate agent wasn’t going to bring an offer in on Sunday but would be back on the holiday Monday with the counter offer. Mary watched Smokey already full of vim and vinegar playing at her feet unaware of the new environment that possibly awaited his future. Mary smiled. Soon they would all be moving on the next step in God’s journey for their life. Mary couldn’t wait. Yes, there was lots of money and a ton of work needed. Somehow Mary knew that this was really about neither but was more about trusting God and being in relationship with Him. Though that could be painful it was also very exciting to journey with God and get to know Him and His mighty power better. It would be another story worth telling. For now she had to get herself moving as she had to pick up Carolyn and get to church!
Dealing with telling her friend Carolyn had been a little more difficult than she thought and though Carolyn supported her Mary heard the sadness in her friend’s voice. Despite this Mary had to do what was before her. What Mary realized was that many times a momentous moment for one person whether it be a change of venue, a new job, or even a death was often just as significant for another person. Mary looked back to how Bobbie’s death had changed Mary’s life so much so that she closed her business of eleven years and went to university for 7 years! Mary didn’t know what was going to happen to Carolyn but knew it wasn’t in her hands. She must trust God to do what He was doing and follow where He led.
But for now and for today she was going to live in the moment, enjoy her friend’s company as they communed at church, and trust God to do what He was doing in all their lives. With that thought in mind Mary quickly got up because she still had not taken her two dogs for a walk. ”Up and at’im”, Mary said to herself, and off she went making a galloping motion with her hands as she went.