Mary believed that the doors closed on chaplaincy because of her past behaviour and that she was bearing the fruit of her mistakes. At first she had been angry at the supervisor whose authority she was working under. Later Mary was able to recognize her part in the ordeal, write to the chaplain, and ask forgiveness. But it was only after much, much time and God’s grace that Mary was able to take responsibility for her actions. What actions, you might ask?
Well it all started while Mary was doing a three month training period along with 6 other students at a woman’s Correction facility. Mary had been supervised by a chaplain named Joyce at the time. There was nothing out of the ordinary in this relationship. In fact, Mary and Joyce seemed to get along well as Mary smoked at the time and so did the chaplain. They would often discuss any difficulties outside the units while they imbibed.
It was at the end of this time that Joyce took Mary aside and asked her if she wanted a job. It would only be for three months replacing another chaplain who was going into the hospital for surgery. Mary was at the end of her schooling and training, as far as she wanted to go, at least, and so felt this was direction from God.
Oddly enough a blessing had come at this time from Mary’s sister Martha. Martha was moving her office job into her home and decided she didn’t need all her dress up clothes. Martha had driven up to Toronto at about this time with this huge box of beautiful clothes for Mary. Mary was delighted because she had nothing to wear other than blue jeans and sweatshirts after 7 years of university.
So God handed this job to Mary and provided the most beautiful clothes to wear there. The position was within Corrections in a men’s treatment facility right next door to the women’s institution where Mary interned under Joyce. The condition of Mary’s interment involved Joyce’s supervision which included periodical visits. This gave Mary the opportunity to voice any problems she was having. It all seemed wonderful to Mary. She had got along well with Joyce and didn’t foresee any problems.
Now as Mary looked back she smiled sadly at that. It had begun on good footing with the two women meeting each week usually for a cigarette in one of the men’s units. They had private smoking rooms and this availed the two women the opportunity to share and have a break together.
Among Mary’s duties were counselling the men in her office and in their units, having services in the chapel and looking after the requests of the men. As well, during this period Mary ran a course for the men and led a sing song. After a couple months of working Mary got to know the men and the place quite well. It was now getting close to Christmas. With the help of some inmates Mary dug around in the chapel’s store rooms to see if she could find some festive banners to put up in the chapel for Christmas. There was some old tattered material that was worn out with age. Mary thought it would be nice to design and make some new banners. After all, she had all this available man power to help her. Why not take advantage of it. Why not? She didn’t know why not at the time. It wasn’t until years later a wise woman shared with Mary that you should never go in where someone worked and tried to change the way they ran things.
So Mary in her blissful ignorance coordinated a team of men to work on a project to make some new banners for the chapel. Jake was one of the younger men there at the prison. He was very artistic. Between Mary and Jake they created a new design for the banner in the sanctuary. They would be of two angels holding up harps.
The banners were almost complete. Because of the large size of these angelic streamers Jake and a few guys were working on the outlines of them on the floor outside the chapel. Mary was watching them work away when Joyce happened to come over to the chapel for a visit.
One look told Mary that Joyce was not too pleased. So over a cigarette Joyce informed Mary that she was not happy with new banners. They didn’t need them. Joyce also told Mary that it was not a good idea to promote the concept of angels holding harps because no one really knew if there such a thing in heaven!. Mary had been very upset and every store she went into during this festive season she had seen angels and harps. But to pacify the chaplain Mary had changed the design. The harp became a scroll with the words “The Good News of Jesus Christ” printed on them.
This incident began a rift between the two women. Afterwards, Mary saw her own resistance to authority as the problem. She had gotten all puffed up with pride and should have asked Joyce if it was alright to make these banners. But Mary had not.
The strain in the two women’s relationship was exacerbated soon afterwards when Mary encouraged, by a few of the men, decided to start a choir in the chapel. The men told her there had been one in the past and so Mary didn’t see anything wrong in this. However, once again Mary did not advise Joyce on this. When Joyce did find out all hell broke loose. Joyce insisted there had never been a choir there though one inmate showed Mary proof that there was.
When all was said and done Mary left on anything but amicable grounds with Joyce. Mary had ended staying for five months because of complications with the other chaplain’s surgery but Mary didn’t get a great send off by Joyce.
When the day came to say goodbye Joyce told Mary they would be holding another period of training at this prison. Joyce added that Mary should take the opportunity and do another internship. However, at the time Mary felt she had just worked in this facility as a chaplain. She told Joyce she would feel uncomfortable going back here as a student. It would just feel weird and a little embarrassing.
Mary was tired of taking classes anyways. She just wanted to get to work in the field. She could use the money, as well. When she left Mary knew that things didn’t end so great. Worse, was when she sent in applications and resumes into the head office regarding available chaplaincy positions. Mary never got any return to her inquiries. When one application failed to receive any response she mailed another one in. The lack of responses crippled Mary emotionally.
What was one going to do with seven years of religious training in any other field besides the one she was in? Nothing. There was nowhere to go and no one to help her. Joyce had encouraged her to take more training but Mary had felt beat and worn out from giving her all to those years of study. She didn’t have it in her.
So the door to chaplaincy had closed but Mary had kept the grief of it in her heart all these years looking back but never able to do anything about it but beat herself up. She had looked at the failures from every angle and over the years the pain of it had grown a little less but always her failures faced her. “If only if I would have done this or had done that”, she would often, mentally say to herself.
But somewhere in her heart Mary knew her ignorance of what was protocol prevented her at the time from doing anything any different than she did. As well, being weary from studying prevented her from having any desire in continuing with her academics. At the time Mary assumed, though wrongly, that all that training and 5 months work experience would count for something but it didn’t.
And, now? Well now Mary felt the same nagging fear that she experienced back then. She dreaded the possibility that she had done the same thing all over again. She had made a mistake, failed, and now she feared the dream of her cottage would dissipate like a vapour just as her dream of chaplaincy had dissolved. Mary could only dry her tears as they came flooding down on her way to services that Sunday morning.
Prior to leaving for church Mary had written a check for their tithe. Mary considered adding a little extra money she made from the sale of two paintings that weekend. She had been inspired to have a sale during the Art in the Park sale in town. She didn’t have the money to buy a spot there but could set up her paintings outside her home.
It was a couple with a cottage, ironically, who bought two of them for next to nothing. Mary was glad anyways. However, when it came time to put some of her earnings in her envelope for the church she decided on not giving the whole thing as she had initially planned. They had too many bills and not enough money.
However, when she got to church and heard the sermon preached on forgiveness and bitterness Mary felt the desire to give the rest of her earnings because the Pastor said sometimes lack of blessings and financial problems arise out of un-forgiveness. So it was with great delight when a second, unexpected collection was called that Mary decided to give all the money she had made. She was glad God gave her a second chance.
It was good too, because Mary hoped that giving her all would bear fruit inside of her: a peace beyond all understanding and grace to finally let go of this past wound. It wasn’t so much anymore that she had to forgive anyone else. Rather, Mary recognized it was herself she needed to forgive for her mistakes.
This she did. Did the peace the pastor spoke of come as a result? No, she still felt sad. There was such heaviness in her heart. Was it grief or what? She didn’t know. All she did know was that it didn’t feel like the Shalom the pastor had promised.
But the day was young and despite Mary’s feelings of being unsettled she knew God was at work. After all, her faith taught her not to depend on her feelings she was experiencing. So Mary decided to trust God, believe the best, and close the door on chaplaincy. Mary visualized herself turning the key in the lock to that chapter of her life. She took the key and threw it in the air way behind her and never looked back. Mary had now done everything she could to let go of the past. It was done. “No more peeking”, Mary told herself. It is done. As for the cottage: well Mary was going to show herself mercy and forgive herself. Her hope, after all, was in the Lord, and not what she did or didn’t do. Mary smiled to herself. Tomorrow was another day and today had enough worries of its own. She would rest in that fact that she couldn’t do anything about a day that wasn’t even here yet. And Mary echoed the song in her head “Tomorrow, tomorrow, there’s always tomorrow. It is only a day away”.
P.S. Later that night God reminded Mary to read from Isaiah 43. As she did she read this:
Isa 43:18-19
."Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland
NIV
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