Old Fears and A New Hope

She came with bent and broken heart to the altar of God that morning grieving as she was about to give up the large two piece wooden cabinet she had used for books in her office all these years. It was to be sold. It was not the piece of furniture which wrenched her heart but it was what it represented. It gave finality to the closing up of her practise. Along with the shelf went some more binders and books for a course she had taught in prison and had taught in town here when she first came. Now they were going too: last threads to her identity as a counsellor.
It had been hard too. When Robin saw her woundedness he told Mary she didn’t have to get rid of the bookcases. However, Mary didn’t want to hold on to “things”. It would bring in money needed to help get down the visa bill which somehow had mounted up once again. Though they were back to budgeting little necessities had encouraged the use of the dreaded charge card.
On top of this heaviness of heart Mary had seen someone the previous day while out shopping. She had not seen this girl for a while. Mary had avoided her trying to remain on friendly terms without getting too close. She liked the girl a lot but found the relationship very co-dependent. Mary was looking for healthier friendships. When she saw the woman she had been kind and friendly laughing about the recent torrent of rain that had come down but left feeling the woman was holding hard feelings towards her. It could be, thought Mary, because I am not phoning her all the time and pursuing that relationship. She didn’t know what to do. Should she phone her and ask her forgiveness or accept this as the way it had to be as she drew away from close intimacy with her and anyone else that she found she had dysfunctional ties with?
Mary felt a tearing inside as a result of the day. She was lonely and needed a word from God. She felt bereft from the comfort of man. But then, no man could satisfy the desires of her heart; she knew that. Only God could.
So the next morning Mary sat down in prayer to seek the face of God. Her need was great for as she focused on the moment she recognized her grief was composed of more than what she was losing in a simple bookcase. It was all the uncertainties and fears and doubts that had crept in about her life right now. Were they doing the right thing? Were they ever going to sell this house? Maybe it was all going to fall apart and Mary would be stuck here with not even a practise to fall on. The thoughts and fears kept coming and coming.
It was in the midst of this that she reached out to God and read from Romans 8: what could separate her from the love of God? The question begged an answer that she knew by rote: “ Not trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.”
There was nothing that would separate her from the love of God in Christ Jesus. So the day had passed and then the next. The people for the cabinets had come, put down a deposit, and said they would be back to pick them up on Monday. That meant a couple more days looking at them sitting in her presence. Now that she had made the decision to get rid of them Mary just wanted them out of her sight!
Sunday morning shone brighter and cooler than the past day and was fresher and without the heavy pollution that had laden the air these last humid months. Mary was delighted because she and Robin had decided to go to the Harrow Fair that morning. They were leaving early as there was an open air church service prior to the day’s events. Mary had thought she would like to go and when Robin brought up the idea she agreed readily. The trip to Harrow was lovely and they got good parking because they were there so early.
There were the usual food vendors and carnival rides all as yet to be opened. Mary and Robin passed them by and found the central outdoor seating area where the ecumenical service was to be held. There were friendly older women from the United Church who sat next to them. They chattered away about the current events of the day and Mary and Robin listened and remarked when necessary.
The ecumenical service included a Baptist and Mennonite presence as well as the United Church congregation who did the opening song. The tune brought tears to Mary’s eyes and was a confirmation of what Mary had been saying to Robin on the way in. It was a familiar passage that of late Mary often quoted: that they who wait and hope in the Lord would renew their strength and mount up with wings like an eagle.
Afterwards the United Church women sitting next to Mary stroked their choir for their performance and Mary complimented them as well. The ladies were a little surprised, however, when Mary shared that the scripture passage from the song was what she had shared with her husband earlier. They looked at her strangely and a little embarrassed at this intimacy. Mary didn’t care what they thought. All she knew was she was at the right place at the right time to hear this.
God spoke into her heart during this song and the other parts of the service; Mary was to hope and wait on the Lord, she was not to be afraid, and she was to trust and not give up hope. It didn’t really matter what happened the rest of the day because the quiet, humble service had been the tool God used to speak to Mary and raise her spirits. And nothing did top that marvellous experience that day. God had come and stilled their hearts. The best part of the day was when Mary caught Robin out of the corner of her eye singing one of the old time hymns being sung. She smiled to herself and to God. When the service ended and they got up to leave one of the church people wished them some kind farewell remarks that, oddly enough, included a big “welcome”. Mary looked at Robin and told him excitedly that she felt that was another confirmation. They were being welcomed to their new home neighbourhood!
Later in the day over homemade fries and poutine Mary was honoured with the presence of another black butterfly with blue spots on his back. She couldn’t have been anymore delighted for this confirmation of new beginnings. By the time they left the fairgrounds that day all the darkness of Mary’s fears and doubts were gone. A new day was coming and her eagle’s wings gave her strength to go on, to run and not grow weary, and walk and not faint!