Peter

She heaved a great sigh having wept deep sobs from her depths that came up and lifted her chest up and down, over and over. It arose from her sorrowful soul, bled dry in the process, until she had nothing left over to cry. The episode began at church, of all places, but she was able to control it until she reached the privacy of home.
What instigated this bout of memory and release? What filled her soul with such heaviness that despite her rebuking spirits and demons she cried on and on? It had nothing to do with her husband and everything, in a way.
It was such a wonderful moment when the Pastor had singled out Robin and praised him for his growth. But the singleness of it was obvious; as if Robin existed alone without anyone who supported and loved him. Mary kept it all in during their visit to Michael’s where she picked up paint and even at the Lowe’s store where they went to browse and dream. Mary was amazed at herself and the control she showed to make it through lunch. However, the drive home proved to be a quiet one. This was easily maintained as all Mary had to do was saying nothing. Robin was not a big talker on the best of days and so Mary could consider all that had transpired at church. Then it suddenly came to her, the old memory, that was suddenly fresh out of her past as if it was yesterday!
Mary went back years and years ago to that day. It was the late 1980’s. She could visualize the room and setting. She could even smell the Cajun chicken cooking in the kitchen. Everything was so beautiful. After months of planning and decorating the new restaurant was complete. Her ex-husband’s tables and chairs were all set up with flowers on each table. The silverware shone and the linen was crisp in its pinks and sea foams. The occasion was opening night. Her husband, Peter, was standing there as proud as could be making a toast. He smiled a big charismatic smile that lit up the room and drew you into him.
Peter had the knack for charming the pants off anyone. His abilities and gifts were many. He was appealing in a million ways. Mary remembered the first night she fell in love with him. They had been dating for a short while and she had him up to her and her mom’s apartment. He was so considerate of her mother that instead of going out he voted for staying in to watch the hockey game. Of course, Mary knew he was killing two birds with one stone. He believed strongly in family but was also a sports nut having been a football and hockey player both.
So here they sat that night on her mom’s couch. Mary was getting a little bored and asked if he wanted a drink. Peter, distracted by the game, gave an affirmative nod. Mary left the room and wandered down the hall to the kitchen to get some Coke. When she came back there was no sign of Peter. This puzzled Mary until she looked out the big front window of the apartment.
There on the sidewalk below, Mary saw this new bow of hers talking to two guys who were arguing. Peter was breaking up a fight! Mary was quite impressed with this and felt warmth in her heart and a new respect for Peter. He came up the stairs and she met him at the door.
“What happened”, she asked. Peter was more interested in getting back to the game on TV then giving out information but muttered something about overhearing the two guys yelling. He just went down to “talk” to them. Mary was amazed at the bravado that must have taken. She would never be that bold!
Mary knew at that moment that she would never have to be afraid of intruders or other people when Peter was around. She needed the comfort and security of that as she had grown up in violence, witnessed it as a young child, until her mother took her and her three siblings out of the situation.
Mary was in love. It was with these loving adoring eyes that she recalled that moment in the restaurant back in the 80’s watching and listening to her ex-husband. He was laughing and smiling and suddenly it got quiet as he lifted his wine glass and began to make his toast. “I want to thank everyone here who has helped with the work that has gone into creating this business. I couldn’t have done it without you all. I especially want to thank one special lady for being here for me, standing behind me, supporting me and helping me out.”
Mary sat quietly, smiling, waiting until her name was mentioned and she could demurely stand up and receive his praise. But, in fact, it never happened. Out of his mouth he had spoken the most painful and ugly words Mary had ever heard: “my mother”.
It made no difference that after some coaching from some wise friends that he stood up and mentioned Mary as an afterthought. Why? The damage was done, was done in fact, long before this moment. It was years of Peter putting his mother and family first that only exacerbated this present moment and the pain that went with it.
Mary had said nothing. She would not allow herself to say anything out of fear. She buried it all deep inside, the hurt and pain. It was down there inside of her in some black hole and had come up like a giant knife piercing her heart once again with this present reminder.
No, the current problem wasn’t about Robin and yet it was all about Robin. For once again, Mary had given her all for a man and had stood behind him, supported him, cared and cooked for him and then what? When it came down to it Mary had given her life for two men. Now she felt what she did for them hadn’t amounted to anything. Mary felt truly bad that she had cried when she came home but didn’t seem to have any control over this deep wound that festered open once again after all these years.
It was now evening. Mary had cried herself to sleep that afternoon, gotten up, been sensible, eaten with her husband, and now sat trying to see how she would deal with it.
She gave it all over to God and in His great mercy, God for his part, was instilling some sense of peace. Yet the ache and emptiness of all Mary’s unappreciated attempts at love went unmet. Her life’s work seemed in vain. Mary had no idea how to handle this or what to do next. All she knew was that what she thought was over was not.
It was times like this that all her years with Peter showed themselves and took their toll on Mary’s life and prevented her for behaving normally. She had many bruises that the physical eye could not see. Yet in every relationship she lived through after Peter, Mary had to deal with this past rejection, his verbal abuse, and his loyalty to mother and family over her.
It was a long story covering a long life she had lived with him. Mary met Peter at 17years of age. She had spent five years dating Peter and was married to him for another twenty two years. When it was over Mary had an identity crisis because she did not know who she was without this man. Nor did she know how to operate without him. She was only use to being called names. Disrespect was the norm. When she met Robin she did not trust him for one second because he was kind and nice. Mary could now sit back in wonder and awe that this second husband had been consistent these last 7 years of marriage and was still as kind and wonderful as ever!
She could not compare him to her first husband. She knew Robin was a gift and praised him often. She was not afraid to share this praise with anyone. Mary was always blowing Robin’s horn. He was a gift from God and she knew it.
Sitting here now she realized it was not Robin’s fault that the Pastor praised him. Nor did the Pastor have any idea of the hurt Mary held deep within her. Despite this knowledge Mary was still reeling from the impact. It would not be settled now or perhaps even tomorrow.
Mary would wait on her God as she always did. He was faithful and in His perfect timing would heal Mary of this old wound that had erupted like a volcano heaving forth from her. She knew He would. He had healed her and held her over the years in His arms when she went to Him with all her little griefs.
Mary would wait, would hold on and pray. Morning was coming.