The Two Questions

As Mary lay amidst the bubbles in the bathtub watching her tummy protrude above the water she was reminded of one of the two questions that God had asked her this week. Obviously, the first question revolved around her weight which was steadily getting back up to where it was after only months of dieting. There had been such a brief reprise between her dieting and her compulsive behavior this time that Mary felt desperate.
It was in that desperation Mary heard God ask her “Are you willing to let me do whatever it will take to help you with this weight?” Mary had realized that the “whatever” in that question could be almost anything and was afraid what God might do if she said yes. So she was not willing, as yet, to say “amen” to that. The words kept coming at her each day though every time she looked at her body. Still she made no answer.
The second question seemed to be unrelated to the first but the more Mary thought of them together she realized they might have something to do to each other. For, you see, Mary became aware that weight problems usually have buried root causes. Mary had often wondered if her problems with her ex-husband which were rooted in her father’s abusive behavior had anything to do with her addiction. However, the only thing that prevented Mary from seeing a common relation between the two was the fact that she had done so well with her healing. In fact, she thought she was just fine until this recent explosion of grief and pain when the Pastor had complimented Mary’s husband Robin.
Mary had shared this experience with Diane her friend. Diane being older and wiser tried to tell Mary that she needed to speak out scriptures over the situation, rebuke Satan and tell him to leave, speak in tongues, etc., etc. Mary had left that visit a little miffed feeling she had tried to do all these things.
On her drive home from Diane’s that morning a woman’s words on the radio caught Mary’s attention. The woman had been raped 15 years earlier and still struggled to let it go until God asked her: “Do you want to be healed?” It hit Mary like a bolt of lightning that God may have been asking her the same question. Like the woman, Mary had struggled with anger and bitterness after her 22 years with her ex-husband. Diane and other people talked about being healed and never having a re-occurrence of old wounds. Mary had thought maybe these women hadn’t been as wounded as deeply as she had. She had thought she had done all the right things, gone to four different counselors over the years and that it was “normal” for old issues to come up now and then to cause complications as so recently had happened.
Did Mary want healing? Was she willing to let God do whatever it took for her healing? In Mary’s mind, suddenly it occurred to her these two questions were tied together. Her weight problem had lasted as long as she could remember and she had been crying out more and more especially when the periods between weight loss and weight gain were closer and closer together. Was Mary willing to be healed?
It would mean letting go of control for surely she was , wasn’t she, in her lack of discipline? Surely she was, wasn’t she, with the continued propensity to feel rejection, anger, and hurt with old memories of this first husband? Mary didn’t know but had felt shock inside herself when she thought that she might have been holding on to old wounds out of some self-pitying need. Mary felt a little disgusted at that idea she might still have old triggers to the past because she was unwilling to let go of old grief’s and hurts! Ugh!
Mary had not only recognized that the woman on the radio’s life included an emotional experience much like hers but that the husband God gave her to get through her trauma was a gift- just like Mary’s. For you see, Robin, had come along and walked these last 9 years with Mary holding her hand, calming her, loving her- all without judgment. He had given Mary the love she had never known. God had blessed her with this man.
However, now Mary must decide if she was willing to risk saying “Yes” to God doing whatever he wanted. Mary realized because she had delayed in a response to that question that God was now asking her if she wanted to be healed at all.
Mary got up out of the tub and began to dry herself off. A look in the big mirror reminded Mary of her recent disgust at herself. It was no longer just “looking good” that mattered. Mary was getting older and the weight was affecting her muscles and joints, her sugar levels, and everything Mary could think of. She tugged up the pants that were past the point of feeling comfortable anymore, tried to ignore the pain as she bent over doing it, and sighed a deep sigh.
She turned towards the heavens, lifted her voice, and quietly, in the silence of the early morning whispered, “Yes, I want healing. And yes, to whatever you need to do, Lord, whatever! “Mary did not want to think about the “whatever” part and would have to trust God. And she would. After all, hadn’t He been teaching her about how good He was lately? Hadn’t He been showing her the love of a real Father? As well, hadn’t Robin, in some sense, shown these characteristics in an ever present manner? Yes was the answer that came back. Yes, to all three. “Yes, Lord,” she mumbled, “yes, I will trust and yes, I will accept whatever you bring to make this all happen.”
With that Mary thumped down the stairs feeling so much lighter perhaps, not on her feet, but definitely within her heart!