The Car

Thoughts came tumbling back to Mary, triggered by a recent incident with her present husband, Robin. It was an odd thing how God had provided such a different life this time - one so opposite from her first marriage. Robin was gentle and kind. Mary’s first husband had a gentle side too but it was always hidden by this bear of a man possessed with his personal demons and ready to attack. Mary realized in this present life she felt like the big ogre she left behind. She felt crazed by the same fiend as her ex.
There were many present areas of her life that Mary felt like she was experiencing life on the “other side. For instance, the recent confrontation with Robin was familiar to Mary because in her previous marriage she had been walking in Robin’s shoes. Presently, the issue was over Robin driving a car again and the fears for both of them this entailed. Way back when Mary was in her mid 30’s the issue had been about her driving and buying a car. It was one thing to learn to drive but when it came to purchasing a vehicle the challenge was like going through torture. Mary realized now it was not only Peter, her ex, who was facing his demons but Mary who had to overcome her fears of her husband if she was ever to have any freedom whatsoever. At the time she didn’t realize she might be getting set free only that she had a license for over 10 years but had no car.
Mary had run a business for 7 years and had to depend on her ex to drive her around for all the store’s needs. It seemed that one day, out of the blue, she had got this weird notion in her head to get a vehicle. Mary couldn’t recall where the idea came from but she wanted a car.
When it all began Mary would have been happy with a piece of junk from the garbage dump. However, the more Peter fought her on it and delayed in supporting her in this issue the bigger her dream became. Her friend, Sharon, at that time walked with Mary through the agony of dealing with the attacks on her person. She was her biggest support and encouragement to continue on with what seemed an insane idea.
You know most people think physical abuse is so horrible because they can see the bruises but worse is the emotional scars left by verbal attacks. Over and over they are blown upon a soul yet the morning after no one sees the disfigurement. Verbal abuse leaves its toll. Once it is over, finally over, the wounded spirit comes away relieved and thinking they are free. Hardly. Dealing with these blows becomes a full time battle after one is freed from this captivity. One is never the same and the life after this death triggers responses daily because the individual no longer trusts, no longer believes, and always is concerned for their self-preservation.
Getting back to the episode at hand Mary‘s dream for a car grew began innocently enough with the hope of buying a car, any car but developed into a vision that God put within her. It was a view of a little white car. Mary’s vision wasn’t too clear as to the model or make. All she knew was that it was white and small. Then one day she saw it. It came after weeks of constant battle that moved Mary’s husband from granting her a wish for a car, per see, to a car that would cost $16,000.
It was not the car Mary envisioned though. It was the vehicle Peter was willing to purchase. When Mary finally saw the object of her desires it scared her to even mention it to her husband. She was right to be afraid. The price tag on this small white Volkswagen Cabriolet was $22,000! That was a lot for a car in 1988!
Mary would have settled for anything but she knew God had put this dream in Mary. She had been a Christian for 7 years by this time and her relationship with God had grown to the point that she knew when she heard God. She knew, too, what she had to do. She had to be obedient. How could she argue with the dream God put in her? Oh she was afraid, so very afraid. She had seen Peter angry before but when this car idea came into her “silly little head” he had become possessed. His eyes would bulge, his face grew red, and he would throw all the venom within him at her. Her names became familiar ones that stayed with her throughout the marriage. These “endearments” branded her subconscious and constantly were used by Satan to condemn her and remind her of her worthlessness. How dare she want a car? How dare she think she deserved anything?
Back then Mary was like a little seedling just peeping it’s pretty Christian head above the soil. She was like a little bird of unknown species. She had as yet to learn her class. She was frightened and insecure already as an individual and her ex’s words beat down upon the soil Mary was growing in. What would survive from this?
Mary did. Yes, she did, albeit, a different person then anyone would have imagined or she herself. She had fought the good fight, put up with his screaming matches though frozen in fear doing it – yet she never gave up her dream. So after a while, a very long while of the tirades he finally gave in and one fine day in the spring of 1988 they drove into a dealership out in east end of Toronto and came away with this small white dream.
Looking back now Mary reflected on the Pastor’s recent words to stop looking at what she did wrong in her past and look instead to what God did right. At the time Mary could only see she had triumphed and gotten her car. At the time she was too lost in the moment to realize the bigger picture of what God was doing. Mary was becoming a woman; a woman who could speak up for herself, who began to face her fears, and had not run. Now she could see, as well, how she had grown to trust God more and more through this experience. Psalm 91 came to mind and was a constant refuge for her back then. She realized she had been hidden in the shadow of the Almighty, protected by His wings, and rescued from all the terrors of the night!
Mary’s thought rested on what God had done right through the experience with purchasing that car. She smiled to herself for the story with the car didn’t end with its procurement. No, the car became a tool God used in the next 8 years to show Mary who God was and that “all things work together for good for those who trust God”. Mary smiled at this thought. The dream of the car and it's purchase were only half of the joyful ride Mary went on with God involving this little “bug”. But that dear reader is left for the next instalment in this saga.