Maturation

Mary reflected upon the present moment questioning herself and perhaps God in His silent listening: what had gone wrong in those 10 years since their mother’s death? Mary’s relationship with her sisters had somehow gone sour. The tough times had been braved together but by one way or another since their mother’s departure Mary’s affiliation with all three siblings was like the ebb and fro of a tidal wave! At present, the water was calm but hid the undercurrent of troubles that had come to separate them.
What was most surprising to Mary was the fact that she couldn’t put her finger on any one thing. It was the accumulation of small arguments and words spoken between them. Mary had grown up since her mother’s death. It had been leaving Toronto, starting a new life in the Windsor area, and marrying her present husband Robin that was the catalysts to this growth. Her maturation came from having to look after herself. She had sold her place in Toronto where she had lived most of her life, packed all her belongings, hired movers, and ventured out to this new land.
Once in her new home and married to Robin Mary found she was now in the driver’s seat. Her familiar role of being taken care of by her ex husband and her older siblings no longer had a hold on Mary. Distanced by time and space had created a soul a little hardened to holding on to family at all.
She was out here on her own. Mary’s mother and her ex husband (both ties that held her bound to a certain way of thinking and acting) were now gone and so were their two voices of authority. Seven years of university, as well, had aged her. The accumulated losses forced on Mary the realization that she was no longer the “baby” to be looked after. She was on her own. Oh, yes, her siblings were still there, albeit remotely. They did not seem to understand she could no longer play the role of the youngest – even if she wanted to. Her new role forced her to stand up for herself. She was making her own decisions and it hurt her greatly when family tried to keep her in the same dysfunctional position of the helpless one. In the process, she upset them.
Of course, breaking free from this past indictment came at a price to everyone. She had tried to cut the ties completely because she felt it would be less painful. However, as time passed her loneliness got the better of her and she reached out to them again. Unfortunately, Mary’s attempts at being received as an adult and making her own choices were not met with the greatest enthusiasm!
Mary didn’t have any solution. She could no longer fight back and stopped fighting for herself. She had let go. Both sisters had stopped communicating to her via email. It seemed to Mary that one was upset because Mary didn’t email enough. The other had stopped because Mary wanted to be respected and loved for her own opinion and decision making. Mary felt she was not. In each email that her sibling had written were advice and instruction. Mary felt partially guilty for this because she shared so much of herself in her emails. Like a teenager growing up Mary needed their support but really wanted to make her own decisions. However, she was not looking for advice just someone to love and accept her as she was but that was not what was happening.
The darkness of early morning was dissipating into the first light as Mary sat looking out. She was disappointed at life and the response it gave to her as she tried to walk in this role of womanhood. Life was not a bowl of cherries and she found out maturation had a cost; not everyone would like you for it. Breaking free of old familiar roles and creating boundaries came at a price. It had started that fatal day she said “no more” to her ex husband in her desire to be heard and respected. Not only had the marriage ended that day but so did the role of little girl who for so long had no voice. At least that was her perception.
Whatever her siblings and friends felt was not always clear. One thing was: Mary could not go back. She was who she was; a compilation of her childhood, her first marriage, and a drive to be set free. It saddened her, not who she had become but that she was not accepted for this person she was now. She admitted she had grown up in an angry home, lived through an angry marriage, and was now dealing with her own anger. Mary had learned a great truth in one of her courses in university: the abused becomes the abuser. Mary fought it with all she was worth. Every day was a struggle to live a balanced life of a mature adult and deafening the indignation that rose up in her against her past.
Mary realized her life would be far worse if not for the prayer and support of those around her, even this family who distanced themselves from her. God was a big part of her existence and each day He continued to rebuild the ancient ruins of Mary’s life. After all, He was faithful who promised, that she knew! As for her family, all things were possible with God and Mary knew God was at work despite what she saw!
Looking out at the rain that kept falling Mary knew that beneath that damp cold day lay a warm spring. It always came and God would too. He always showed up. She had called out to Him in her helplessness. Mary smiled at the irony of that thought; God was growing her up into a woman but she would always be His little girl reaching out to Him, her Abba, daddy in her needs. “So much for maturity” Mary laughed to herself and was amused even more when she thought of her two cabinets of tiny porcelain dolls. “How grown up was that!?” Mary said to no one in particular and perhaps only to the silent people peeking from behind the cabinet doors. This growing up was tough, Mary thought, real tough.