A Burden Is Lifted

It had been a long tedious week since Robin and Mary had put the house up for sale. Robin had gone back to work and Mary faced the daily tasks of cleaning in areas you normally didn’t see. She had cleaned the lazy Susan. She had emptied cupboards; some items went to the used clothes store, some things went into the garbage and others were packed away for an upcoming garage sale.
As life was readjusting to some normalcy while they waited for some interested buyer for their home Mary returned to reading her book on co-dependency. She was on the chapters dealing with forgiveness. It took Mary a couple of days to get re-interested in the topic not only because it had been a while but because she wasn’t eager to deal with making amends. However, as she began to read again, handing over to God those she might need to deal with, Mary began to feel it was time to let go of some of her burden.
For you see, a burden it had become, weighing upon her heart. This weight had not been healthy for her physically, especially with the rift between her and a cell group leader. Her church had encouraged the congregation to meet with other members as they did in the early church. Mary had gone to one not too far from her for a short period. However, because of the conflict with the leader Mary had walked away from it. She had always felt bad about leaving without giving some sort of explanation why. Mary had a bad habit of doing that because she was not good with confrontation.
She wrestled with phoning Helen, the cell group leader, for a couple of days then found herself obliged to do it the morning she confronted Robin about his issues. Mary had spoken to Robin about some un-forgiveness she saw in his life. As she walked away from sharing with him she realized that she shouldn’t judge so quickly if she wasn’t going to deal with her own baggage!
After dropping Robin off that Friday morning Mary came home and phoned Helen and asked if she could meet her for coffee. A time was set for 12.30pm. Mary was glad for this for it gave her the occasion to sit down and write down beforehand what she wanted to say in person to Helen. It was a gruelling task but the process was good because it enabled her to see the real truth that had been slowly coming to her.
That truth had surfaced as she read the book on codependency. The writer had helped Mary recognize the the person she really needed to forgive the most was herself! Mary recognized she had not trusted herself, valued herself or her own opinion. Over and over again Mary saw in past difficult relationships that she hadn’t been honest, nor did she speak up when she felt wronged. Mary didn’t want to be co-dependent nor did she want to be a victim anymore – even by her own handiwork! She wanted to be responsible for her life. It would be a long hard task and writing this letter and sharing its contents with Helen was only a small part of growing up. But it was a start. After much reflection Mary began to write:

Dear Helen
I am writing to you because sometimes it is easier for me to explain myself on paper rather than in person. I came to Amherstburg 7 years ago and had gone through a divorce, a loss of a mother, loss of a best friend and loss of a job in chaplaincy. I was hurting; not only from all these changes but from years of abuse.
As a result, I was ill prepared for dealing with new relationships when the old had broken me so. I came from a past childhood where abusive authorities taught me to be seen and not heard. The outcome of this was even after I grew up and got married I thought I should be seen and not heard. This led to more abuse. Consequentially, through it all I learned to shut up and never confront. It was the fear and flight syndrome. I seldom was honest with people and didn’t feel confident enough in myself or what I believed or had been taught after 7 years of university to trust myself.
Recently, I have been reading about co-dependency and taking some steps to being healthy. One of them is dealing with people I harmed and/or who have harmed me. You were one of them. You seemed to be one of the people on both my lists! I knew I had hurt you by walking away from your cell group without explanation. You were also one who had hurt me, at least that is what I thought until God revealed to me that each person he brings into our life is a gift. So how could you be a gift and have hurt me too?
I had to take a second look at what happened and begin to look at myself. I see now that being self-aware means to recognize why we do things and why we react to people the way we do. I didn’t know myself well enough because I didn’t like myself very much! I had never been taught either that God loved me or that I should love myself. It was more about dos and don’ts intermixed with that the old voice whispering “be seen and not heard”.
Instead of confronting you about an issue in cell group I let you believe you were right many times because you sat in a place of authority. One particular time comes to mind when you played that movie “Esther” for us. We had a discussion afterwards. During that talk I queried if you had ever heard of a translation that suggested that Esther was asked to display herself naked before the king’s friends. You were sure there was none. I said nothing because I was to be seen and not heard and never confront. So I was angry at you at the time for thinking you knew so much.
I went home that night and looked up what I already knew to be true: that the Jewish Targum translation indicates that Esther was to be paraded nude. I never phoned or shared this. What did I know? You knew better. You were the authority. I found myself very angry and I thought it was at you.
But if I was to commence to do what God was asking me to do, “to see every person as a gift” then I had to see you were a gift to me. As I did that I began to see that the real person I was angry at was me! I reflected on how many times I had let those in authority get away with things because of my low self-esteem despite 7 years of university! I had been taught by rabbis and religious leaders and yet I didn’t trust that or trust myself! It was quite a mixed bag, wasn’t it Helen: I was to be seen and not heard and this was mixed with low self-esteem. But in this bag of tricks was the reality that God had shown me that I wasn’t stupid, had been delivered from an abusive marriage (which I now have to take responsibility for) and gone to U of T and proved myself. I had become a chaplain; even worked in Corrections for a while but when I came here I felt looked down upon. I realize now I didn’t present myself well, I suppose. However, as I am learning to respect myself more and love who God created I am changing.
So you are a gift from him. You forced me to start to look at myself and see the worth that is in me, who I have become, and to stand up for myself. I wasn’t angry at you with the Esther situation but myself!
I should have confronted and spoken up what I knew to be true but the old issues of being seen and not heard and not regarding myself highly enough intervened. So I have to forgive myself for a lot of times in my recent history for not speaking up when I should have. Of course, taking the Undercover course didn’t help but added to being seen and not heard. I have major issues with that course because I have stepped on others toes and have had my toes stepped on as well in trying to be almost subservient to those above. But I see now I have to respect myself and my own authority and who God has generated out of all that has transpired in my life.
So this note has two functions, maybe three. First, I ask you to forgive me for walking away from the group without sharing why I left. I also realize I might have exhibited bizarre behaviour during some of your sessions. Please forgive me. But also forgive me for not being honest about what I knew to be true. I have a lot to offer but have held back because of “snags in my character” (smile).
Second, I choose to forgive you for not knowing everything and yet perhaps pretending you did. I recognize this flaw in myself so readily see it in others. You and I are a lot alike in that way. We both want to generate the respect given to us in a position and so often will pretend we know something we don’t. It is better sometimes to be humble and just say, “Well, I don’t know the answer to that” then to act as if we do. “Know it all’s” irritate people to no end! Believe me I know that is why I can forgive you because I must forgive myself for I am guilty of this fault. I am trying not to imagine I have to know everything. Believe me it’s a lot less of a burden on one’s self to say “I don’t know”. You are responsible before God for the authority he has put in your hands. So use it well and be humble!
Thirdly, I must forgive myself and ask you to forgive me for not confronting and speaking up at the time of the incidents which encouraged me to leave your group. I have not been true to myself or trusted myself but pray that God will give me the grace to speak up quicker without running off.
Finally, I just want to say you were a “hoot” at the last encounter when you did your little talk. You were very entertaining! You came down to the level of the audience and perhaps this was closer to the true Helen then the one who thinks she has to know everything. You don’t. You were being real at the Encounter even though it was because you were on show. I hope and pray you will always be authentic and humble as you grow in the Lord. I am trying! It is not easy!
God bless
Mary

As Mary signed her name to the letter she already felt better. She straightened up her body and stretched and stood up. She looked at the clock and realized she had little time to get ready and go and meet Helen. Printing out a copy of the note Mary tucked it into an envelope unsure if she would give the letter to Helen or not. She knew better now what she wanted to say to Helen. Writing the letter had been a good idea.
Mary had gone to the local Tim Horton’s and purchased an Iced Cappuccino while waiting for Helen. She didn’t have to wait long. Momentarily Mary found herself seated across from Helen sipping away on their drinks sharing the latest news including Mary’s impending move.
Helen was kind and nice and when Mary felt comfortable she shared with Helen what was on her mind. It was not exactly what she had written but she felt she got across to Helen what was important. Helen sat back listening and when Mary was finished said, “of course I forgive you. Can you forgive me?”
Mary felt this was unnecessary as she felt totally responsible for walking away from the group without sharing why. Mary felt glad that Helen had received her act of contrition mercifully and left her meeting with Helen feeling much lighter. Mary recognized why the author of the Co-dependent’s Guide to the Twelve Step encouraged this action of listing those she had harmed. Mary felt fantastic.
She spent the afternoon talking on the phone to friends she had neglected. They were on her list too. However, Mary felt she didn’t owe them an apology. A phone call would do!
Later when she saw Robin she shared her news. He already knew what she had been up to because Mary had text messaged him and asked for prayers before her meeting with Helen. Mary was sure they helped immensely! Mary and Robin’s drive home from work that night included conversation that was light and gay. Mary was hilariously happy! She couldn’t stop laughing even at the silliest things.
She knew the only thing that could explain her good mood was letting go the weight of that burden with Helen. She didn’t know who else God would add to the list but left it in His hands to show her. For now she would enjoy the weekend and the hopeful anticipation of selling the house.
Not only were there new beginnings in store for them in buying this house but Mary felt a closure was being made on relationships she had left up in the air. Mary was thinking about these changes while out in the backyard later that night when she saw the most gorgeous sight. It was either a colourful moth or the most beautiful butterfly she had ever seen.
All she could do as she watched this black winged and blue spotted beauty flirt from tree to tree was to thank God and cry. It was an awesome vision showing forth a bit of God’s glory. All Mary could think was:"If this is His creation how great a sight He must be!" The thought was too wonderful for Mary and she remained suspended in the glory of God’s presence presented there before her for a long time. Finally, Mary reluctantly turned and walked towards the house knowing God’s love, warm within her heart, filling it to capacity. Smiling to herself Mary turned one more time to see the beautiful winged creature do a fanciful turn before her eyes. Delighted Mary closed the door behind her feeling as free and unencumbered as what she had just seen!