Freedom

“Knowing you Jesus,” the song played, “there is no greater thing. You are my all, you are my best, my joy, my righteousness. And she cried. She cried and cried listening to the words of self-emptying. And in the back ground Robin Mark sang “knowing you, Jesus, there is no greater thing”. She had gotten on her knees crying out in repentance. The earlier song “Jesus, All for Jesus” helped her see that all her ambitions, hopes, and plans had not been for Jesus but for herself. The song ironically spoke into an area of rebellion in her life where the depths of discontent had settled in: “It’s only in your will that I am free”. The words were truth quelling a lie in her life that she was not free but stuck because of her circumstances. Now she had to look again and see if she was stuck or in God’s will. And if in the later than she needed to see that nothing else mattered even in bondage; for what was real freedom without being in her Lord’s will. And she looked back to her last marriage where all her pain originated. It was the pain she was quelling all these years with things, plans, and ambitions.
Oh the pain had to be quenched somehow. She had felt so confined, a prisoner in her marriage. However, a truth dawned this day. Mary realized along the way, when nothing could be changed, she had not so much as given up but given in to the fact that this was her life and the man she was living with, her husband, was “it”. This was it. So she had stayed and born it until her deliverance from her pharaoh.
Now in retrospect she realized she carried this pain forward into her second marriage and saw herself stuck again because she had to drive daily to work, she had no job, and nothing to be proud up. She lowered her head in shame and pain, her brow furrowed with the grief.
Today was a new day and she could choose to give it all up again for Jesus. She could choose to run to him for solace when the pain came and not run to things, houses and any form of escape. Mary bowed her heart in prayer: Lord, she prayed, please forgive me for these years I have wasted my time and talents and money on things to gratify my flesh and ease the pain.
Forgive me, Lord, and allow me your grace in this area for I am helpless alone to deal with what I see as confinement. I see it is only in your will that I am free. Dear Lord, forgive me for running from what You chose for my life. Forgive me for rebelling against Your will for me and forgive me for rebelling against those in authority.
Mary thought back to the priest in Toronto, so many years ago, who told her she had to stay in that marriage. She had angrily walked away from that encounter. Oh, she had done what he asked her to do and stayed another 19 years. She realized however, that she had been angry at this individual and every minister after that. She didn’t trust any one of them and questioned everything they said because of this one person. Now as she stood at the altar of her heart she cried out to God:
“Rip this rebellious heart from me so I can serve you and those you put above me, humbly. Dear Lord, only you can do this in me. Please Lord, please.
Have mercy and help me to count it all (all those years I wasted) as loss for the excellence of the knowledge of You. Yes, Lord It is only in You alone am I free. It is only in your will, Lord. Help me to see this and impress it on my heart. And yes, O Lord, heal my heart of all this pain that holds on. Go into my past and to its root and heal me. May the Joy of the Lord be my strength as I choose to follow Your will.
Mary heard her husband’s movements in the bedroom and knew it was time to get up from her meditations. She knew in her heart that God had shown her all of this to set her free to serve Him. Mary ended the morning’s supplications with a prayer of thanks:
Thank you, Father, for revealing my sin and showing me Your truth. Thank you that You are at work. Thank You that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Let your strength of resolve reside in me to walk humbly before You accepting this life you have given me, this church, this home – everything. In Jesus name, amen .
The day was young and the sun was just peeking its pink head up above the line of trees that shadowed its presence. Mary got up and hummed to herself “It’s only in Your will that I am free”. Mary decided this would become her new theme song. This new perspective was what would help her at this time. She was grateful for this. And she hummed it again. Rising up from her chair Mary found that joy rose in her heart as she realized that as long as she was in God’s will she was free – no matter what!